September 03, 2011

A BOX OF BOOKS

I discovered today while unpacking the bookcases that I have an entire box of books about how to get pregnant.  Wow.  That's a lot of info on a process that most people barely have to think about.


I set aside one of the books that CVG got me a few years ago that I'd never felt good enough to read.  I started it tonight, and all the feelings came crashing back.  Things I haven't thought about in a long time.  Things I'd forgotten.  Things that used to hurt so badly and that don't hurt anymore...until I remember how badly they hurt once.  It never really goes away.

And I am one of the lucky ones: I both figured out what caused my problem and managed a work-around.  I conquered my infertility, at least once.  I'd like to do it again, but I know how many people would give anything to do it just once.

Mostly, I remember the hope.  Death by hope.  Lying in bed after an IUI naming my triplets and imagining us all crossing the street holding hands.  I remember how badly it hurt to have that hope destroyed over and over again.  To feel it flame up every two weeks for years.  What a miserable way that was to live.

It's not over though.  I'd still like to conquer again.

But anything I feel today is nothing like how I felt in April 2009.  And I hate that there are others out there who live like that forever...

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August 18, 2011

THE LONGEST MONTH EVER

Moving on didn't come as soon as I expected.  The meds worked, in the sense that they expelled the majority of the "products of conception," as they're called in the biz.  But unfortunately the bleeding didn't stop, so I went back to the doctor.  An ultrasound revealed that there was a blood clot being directly fed by a vessel.  Conclusion: D&C.


Two days before the movers were coming.

So we spent a surprise day at the hospital.  I went surprisingly fast considering I didn't expect to have surgery that day.  But we missed a whole day of preparing for the move.  And I had a bad trip coming down from the anesthesia because I hopped right out of bed as soon as I woke up and raced home to retrieve BabyGrok from the babysitter and continue with moving plans.

But everything got done, as it always does, and we're packed out and gone.  We're at my folks' house for a week before we head to our new home on post.  We're excited.

But this last month has been ridiculous.

Worst.fetus.ever.

But best kiddo ever:


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July 29, 2011

MOVING ON

Just an update.  The second round of meds worked, and I immediately felt better.  Not morning sick anymore.  Still a little sore, but glad to be moving on now.


Now just stressed out that we're moving 1000 miles in two weeks.

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July 25, 2011

GONE BABY GONE

Without hesitation, this has been the most irritating pregnancy so far.  The raised expectations and the morning sickness, then the death dragged out for three weeks, then the continued morning sickness, and now...


I took the round of meds on Thursday and they didn't work.  The baby did not get the eviction notice and is still hanging around.  So now I have to start all over again tomorrow.  More meds.  And this time with no husband home on the weekend to help.

I just want this baby GONE.

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July 21, 2011

I THOUGHT I WAS DONE

What's been hardest to accept, I think, is the fact that I thought I was done.  I foolishly let myself get my hopes up this time that, because I felt so similar to how I felt while pregnant with BabyGrok, and because that one was a success, that we were having another baby.  And since we would be perfectly content to be a family of four, I thought we were done.  I even remarked to a friend that maybe we'd get off easy, maybe we'd get away with only having to be pregnant six times.


Only six times.  How sad is it that that's now what I consider having good luck...

I was done, in my head.  I counted the chicken before it hatched and let myself breathe a sigh of relief that I might never have to try to get pregnant again.  We were stepping off the rollercoaster and calling it a day.  We had "won."  We were successful.  We had completed our family at long last.

I am accustomed to losing babies.  I am accustomed to getting my hopes dashed.  But this one hit me hard because I had The End within my sight, right at my fingertips, and it got yanked away.

And now I don't see myself getting lucky the seventh time.  Now I start imagining that we might have to do it an eighth or ninth time...and could we stomach doing it a tenth?  How many is too many?

I thought six was the end.  Now I don't see any end in sight.

And now I have absolutely no criteria for feeling confident about future pregnancies.  Strong hormone levels?  Means nothing.  Morning sickness?  Had it in half the pregnancies.  A baby with a heartbeat?  #6 had a flicker and #2 had a full-on thump, and what good did it do?

There are no reliable indicators for success anymore.

The seventh time will be hard.

And it will be in a new city with a new doctor too...probably someone who will try to convince me that all the indicators mean something.

Ugh, I was done.  I thought I was done.  It hurts to have that taken away.

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July 16, 2011

CRAP SANDWICH

Horrible.  Just horrible.  I am still extremely morning sick.  But it's either that or take the meds and face excruciating pain.  Nice choice.  Can I have neither?  Nope, I get both.  So I get to be morning sick for one more week and then I get to have the big dose of pain.  What a crap sandwich.

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July 14, 2011

CRUEL SHOCK

I don't even know how to write this, or where to begin, or what witty angle to use to lay out the story of yet another dead baby.  I used to compose the blog post in the car on the way home.  I have been home for hours and still don't know what to say or think.


This one was a surprise.  A cruel shock.

The only other time I had doubling HCG levels and strong morning sickness was with BabyGrok.  I was craving the same things (pizza bread and white wine) and as exhausted as I was with her.  And even last week's WTF wasn't enough to deter me from thinking that we had just conceived late and everything was going fine.

Is it because it's happening today and it feels much more real, or is this really as I perceive it to be: the biggest blow of them all?  Because this time, more than any other time before, even BabyGrok, I was sure I was having a baby.

It just feels so cruel to have to be morning sick for a month for nothing.  And to still be morning sick because there's a dead baby inside of me pumping out hormones and tricking my body into thinking it's pregnant.

Ugh, I just can't say anything more about it anymore.  I am mad and hurt today.

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July 07, 2011

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

There's just one so far, but she's a pretty big one.



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I'M TIRED OF GUESSING WHETHER THE ATOM DECAYED OR NOT

OK, I'm trying to be zen, really I am, but life is really testing my limits.


The nurse originally wanted to schedule my ultrasound for back in June.  I resisted, saying that I wanted to wait until we'd be positive either way that we ought to see a heartbeat.  I thought July 7th was well far enough in advance to guarantee that no heart = dead and heart = alive.

But I went in today and the results were inconclusive.  There was the merest, tiniest flicker where the heart ought to grow, meaning that there could be a heartbeat within days...or not.

Ugh.

I just feel overwhelmed with frustration right now.  I tried so hard to avoid this scenario.  It felt like an eternity waiting until July 7, but I did it because I thought that uncertainty at home was better than uncertainty in front of the ultrasound screen.  Unfortunately, I got both.

And what I'd really like now is to talk to someone who gets it...but I don't know anyone.  I don't know anyone else who has repeatedly sat in limbo wondering if her baby is alive or dead.  I don't even know anyone who's done that once.  I know my friends are sympathetic, and as empathetic as they can be, but I just want solidarity.  I just want someone who groks.

So I wait another week, wondering if the flicker will turn into a heartbeat or just peter out.  Debating myself whether my morning sickness is real or psychosomatic.  Living in two alternate realities, one where the atom decays and kills Schroedinger's cat and the other where it doesn't.

I'm tired of doing this.

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July 01, 2011

ELEPHANT

Worth reading: Do you know how to eat an Elephant?

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June 23, 2011

HEAD'S UP

My hormone levels doubled like they ought to.  The only other time that's ever happened for me was with BabyGrok.  So maybe this is BabyGrok2.  It's looking like it might be...I feel icky and tired and hot.  (Caveat: it's 100 degrees here, so that could be a factor as well.)


Anyway, I have an ultrasound in two weeks to make sure, but I think we might have another head's-up penny here.

For the next two weeks, I am going to pretend I am having a baby.  When is it too early to wear maternity clothes?  Because I have a pot belly that could pass for pregnant already...

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WRETCHED CULTURE

My problem with Civil Affairs and, if I may speak for him, my husband's reason for leaving the branch:

So the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity is building schoolhouses in Afghanistan. Big deal. The problem, in Kandahar as in Kansas, is not the buildings but what’s being taught inside them — and we’ve no stomach for getting into that. So what’s the point of building better infrastructure for Afghanistan’s wretched tribal culture? What’s our interest in state-of-the-art backwardness?

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June 20, 2011

BECOMING ZEN

The nurse who used to "help" me at the fertility clinic is gone, and the new nurse is super nice.  Last pregnancy and this one, she's been really accommodating.  They've offered me the moon both times: as many blood-draws and ultrasounds as I want.  And the ironic thing is that, the more frequently you're pregnant, the less crucial it feels.  I have come to the zen state that either I will be pregnant for 9 months or for about 3 weeks, and it is what it is.  No amount of kangaroo pouch peeking will change anything.  So I thanked them but told them not to waste their resources.  I will get my blood checked twice this week and then an ultrasound later to look for a heartbeat.  I appreciate their attentiveness, but I have really embraced the weird idea that all my babies' lifespans are predetermined long before I even know they exist, and whether I know the lifespan or not doesn't change anything.


Aren't you impressed with how zen I've become?  I grok the miracle of life.

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June 19, 2011

SIXTH FLIP

Pregnant again.  Sixth time, for all of us who've lost track (I have to pause and count frequently.)  Fingers crossed that it's the happiest Father's Day gift ever.

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June 11, 2011

FROM HOPE TO WHALE

Via David, a great explanation of the unintended consequences of progressivism: When Government Jumps the Shark

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June 10, 2011

NOT LONELY

The difference in my life now vs my life then: Two Is Definitely Not Lonely

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May 30, 2011

IRON MIKE

Baby Grok waving and saying hi to Iron Mike today.  She's too young to know what today means, but we still took her.



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May 02, 2011

A HECK OF A WEEKEND

Last night was our last night with my husband in his hotel room.

OK, I haven't blogged in a while, I need to back up.

My husband changed functional areas again.  He just left for new training.  He'll be TDY for three months.  So BabyGrok and I drove with him and stayed a while in his temporary lodging.

And we made a detour for the Milblogs Conference.  BabyGrok was a real hit with SecDef Rumsfeld.



So anyway (man, there is a lot of backstory to gloss over when you only blog monthly), the whole family was sharing a hotel room.  We tried to be super quiet with BabyGrok in the room, so we'd shut off our cell phones when she went to bed.

This morning my husband left for PT at 4:45.  He woke me to say a final goodbye.  I looked at my phone to see the clock and noticed I had missed two phonecalls in the middle of the night, one from AWTM and one from my mother.

I can't tell you how my heart plummeted into my stomach.  I thought for sure one of the SpouseBUZZ authors was dead.  It seemed an eternity until I got to my voicemail.  First message was AWTM; all she said was, "Are you sleeping?  It's time to bake a cake!"  So I knew it was good news; some dictator had just bit the dust!  I figured it was Qaddafi.  Then my mom's message explained the rest.

And it was 4:45, so I could either 1) jump up and check the news or 2) stay quietly in bed and keep BabyGrok sleeping.  I chose the latter.

I missed the jubilation and excitement on Facebook.  It was fun to read my friends all wondering why I wasn't partaking in history.

So today was the day to bake the cake in bin Laden's dishonor.



Yes, that cake is made of bacon.  Up yours, Osama.

So it was a heck of a weekend: Milblog Conference, saying goodbye to my husband, and then the news of the decade.

Plus there was cake.

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April 19, 2011

SIX RAMBUNCTIOUS YEARS

Yesterday was Charlie Pup's sixth birthday.  Who would've thought that little sweet potato we picked out of the litter would grow to be such a silly mess?  We do love him so.

He has proven so good with Baby Grok, better than I could've hoped for.  Her new favorite activity is to bring things to him.  She brings him things all day long.  But when he takes them from her, the game is over...so she is constantly taking toys and treats away from him so that she can give them to him again!  The dog is a saint: he will let her take bones out of his mouth, just so she can hand it to him again.  She also taunts him with her food constantly, but he never steals it from her grubby little hands.

He's not our baby anymore, as anyone who's had a pet discovers when they have a child...but he's our beloved doggy and an important member of our little family.

Happy Birthday, Charlie!  Sorry your new toy keeps getting snatched away...


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April 13, 2011

FEELING GREAT

I am doing really well, just to let you know.  Man, a natural miscarriage is SO much easier than an induced one.  I imagine it's the same type of scenario as the difference between going into labor on your own and being spontaneously induced.  This time has been gradual and virtually pain-free; I took 2 or 3 doses of some stronger meds, and then I took two ibuprofen for another day and a half.  That's it!  I can't believe the difference.

They're monitoring my hormone levels to make sure the process has completed itself, but I can't get over how easy this time was...and thankfully so, considering I don't really have the luxury of lounging in bed all day to recover!

Feeling fine, and ready to flip this coin again and see where it takes us.

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