tryingtogrok.new.mu.nuThe future home of tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu2014-03-08T17:17:00ZSarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu/atom.xmlOUT WITH A WHIMPER2014-03-08T17:17:00ZI truly thought that this blog would end with me having a second baby. I thought I'd win. I thought I'd birth a baby and then drop the microphone, yell PEACE OUT, and exit stage. But the blog went out with a whimper instead of a bang. We are good, a year later. Content. Finding silver linings in not having interrupted sleep most nights and being done with diapers and bibs and sippy cups. Trying to figure out how to prevent Little Emperor Syndrome. BabyGrok just turned 4 last week. And life goes...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//out_with_a_whimperINFERTILITY NEVER ENDS2013-07-13T08:20:24Z"Is she your only child?" the new neighbors asked as we were getting to know each other. "Yes, she is!" I answered confidently and proudly. For the first time, it didn't hurt to answer. I felt good, and happy. Four days later, I was crying all the time and trying to decide if we should go back to the agony of trying to have another baby. I really hope this feeling of incompleteness goes away with...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//infertility_never_endsWHY I DON'T PLAN TO ADOPT2013-05-10T15:43:27ZEver since I got back from doing IVF, people keep asking me if I will now turn to adoption. I thought I would explain why that's not in the cards for me, and why sometimes that can feel like a loaded question. I have been thinking about building our family for six years. I have cried, raged, hoped, and writhed. I have been poked, scraped, injected, and pumped full of radiographic dye. I have bled and been anesthetized a lot. I am exhausted. Last week I had a consult for a second opinion on whether I could ever be considered...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//why_i_dont_plan_to_adopt"NOT READY"2013-05-10T15:38:00ZI always saw myself as having kids. I was never one of those people who wanted to be a kindergarten teacher, but when I imagined my life, I imagined a family. When my husband and I started dating, we both thought two kids was just right. And then...life happened. There was always a reason we were remaining childless. Some reasons were beyond our control (deployment), some reasons seem frivolous in retrospect (we wanted to save X amount of money before we started a family), and some reasons still seem reasonable but really weren't the deal-breaker I thought they were (I...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//not_readyGRIEVING: THE END OF HOPE2013-03-25T10:37:00ZIn high school I started wearing a retainer when I slept. The first one I owned lasted 11 years without any problems until my new puppy chewed it up. Replaced it and that one got chewed up too. The one I have now is 5 years old and will need to be replaced soon because I'm grinding my teeth like a maniac. So the first retainer I had lasted me through the stresses of high school, going off to college, studying abroad in godawful France, an insane senior year, getting married, and sending my husband off to war. But this...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//grieving_the_end_of_hopeSHE'S 3!!2013-03-04T16:05:36ZBabyGrok turned 3, with much fanfare. And a cake made of donuts. I am getting myself used to the idea of her being an only child. The doctor from Walter Reed called to discuss the results of my cycle and said that it seems unlikely that I will ever be a good candidate for IVF. I plan to go back to the local doctor for a second opinion, but if he concurs, then that's the end for us. My husband leaves for three months next week. BabyGrok and I get to explore the joys of military separation. BabyGrok...huh...she's not really...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//shes_3BACKDATED POST2013-02-17T13:01:19ZI realized that I had forgotten to post something here about mindblowing information I learned before I did the IVF. I backdated the post for the sake of chronology. The post from January is...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//backdated_postTHE INCOMPLETE LOCKET2013-02-16T15:03:19ZI cannot imagine what it's like to live through a lot of things. I cannot fully grok losing a parent, or losing a child, or losing my husband. I can approximate the emotions and try to put myself in those shoes, but I know I cannot conjure the depth of that agony. Nor can I wrap my brain around being homeless, having cancer, or any number of life's difficulties. One thing I've tried to explain to people over the years is the slow, aching agony of "trying to make a baby." It is life lived entirely in two-week chunks. It...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//the_incomplete_locketIVF -- Conclusion2013-02-08T21:31:00ZGame over. I got a call this afternoon that they are cancelling my IVF cycle. Today's bloodwork revealed that I am now lagging where they want me to be by a factor of 10. I am not responding as desired to the meds, and there is little chance of getting many eggs, much less getting enough to where we could weed some of them out via genetic testing. So we can stop now and they can offer me a $7000 refund, or we can keep marching towards near-certain failure. But we have plane tickets...and an apartment...and vacation time booked... Half...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//ivf_--_conclusionIVF -- Day 92013-02-08T21:13:00ZIf I am ever forced into a homerun derby, just let me hit the balls alone. Please don't put me in the lineup right after Prince Fielder. It's cruel. I can handle being lousy at baseball, but don't make me watch a superstar and then publicly fail. But that's how my journey goes, every time. When I have ultrasounds, I have to hear other people's strong heartbeats right before I find out mine is dead. I get to learn that CaliValleyGirl is having a boy on the day they take my dead baby out. I never stack up. I always...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//ivf_--_day_9IVF -- Day 72013-02-06T20:09:07ZI've been doing the shots for a few days now. They're tolerable. They were fine the first day, I balked the second day, and now it just is what it is. Five injections a day though. Oy. There was a snafu this morning with everyone's blood draw (how Army is that?), so I had to give myself my injections in a public restroom in the hospital. Another girl from the program noticed me and said, "I have to go do the same thing in my car. I just feel too funny to do it in a restroom; I feel like...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//ivf_--_day_7IVF -- Day 22013-02-01T13:52:00ZI made fun of the injection briefing, but it really did turn out to be quite helpful. I have never filled a syringe before or given anyone a shot, so I learned a lot. Overall, I feel much calmer about the process now. The needles are thin and short. One of the meds is supposed to burn a bit, but we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I imagine the shots are not fun -- after all, it's four injections a day -- but it's the power of the hormones that will really get uncomfortable. We shall...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//ivf_--_day_2IVF -- Day 12013-01-31T21:29:00ZToday was my baseline appointment for my IVF cycle. I am staying with a friend who lives outside of DC, so we had to leave the house at 4:30 in order to get there for my 6:45 AM appointment. Ouch. I arrived at Walter Reed and took a number (how Army is that?) and waited my turn. I then learned that I cannot attend ultrasounds alone, so my friend came in to chaperone me. What they needed her to do was take the doctor's notes as she did my ultrasound! I told them that I would not have a chaperone...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//ivf_--_day_1BABYGROK IS THE 6%2013-01-28T12:58:00ZSo...you remember when I made that nice little video with the colored blocks and explained what I had learned from the genetics counselor? My chromosomes 7 and 22 were messed up, and when they paired up with my husband's we had a chance for unbalanced embryos. I acted out four different pairings: normal karyotype (which is BabyGrok, completely normal 7 and 22), balanced translocation (which is me, part of 7 and part of 22 swapped, but all the DNA present and accounted for), partial 7 and extra 22 (which cannot become a human being) and partial 22 and extra 7...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//babygrok_is_the_6ALMOST 32013-01-07T14:20:23ZI will spend the month of February at Walter Reed doing IVF. Wish me luck. Can you believe BabyGrok turns 3 in a few...Sarahhttp://tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu//almost_3