September 03, 2011

A BOX OF BOOKS

I discovered today while unpacking the bookcases that I have an entire box of books about how to get pregnant.  Wow.  That's a lot of info on a process that most people barely have to think about.


I set aside one of the books that CVG got me a few years ago that I'd never felt good enough to read.  I started it tonight, and all the feelings came crashing back.  Things I haven't thought about in a long time.  Things I'd forgotten.  Things that used to hurt so badly and that don't hurt anymore...until I remember how badly they hurt once.  It never really goes away.

And I am one of the lucky ones: I both figured out what caused my problem and managed a work-around.  I conquered my infertility, at least once.  I'd like to do it again, but I know how many people would give anything to do it just once.

Mostly, I remember the hope.  Death by hope.  Lying in bed after an IUI naming my triplets and imagining us all crossing the street holding hands.  I remember how badly it hurt to have that hope destroyed over and over again.  To feel it flame up every two weeks for years.  What a miserable way that was to live.

It's not over though.  I'd still like to conquer again.

But anything I feel today is nothing like how I felt in April 2009.  And I hate that there are others out there who live like that forever...

Posted by: Sarah at 11:47 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 I have faith you will conquer it again.  
It is horrible to know so many people never get their time.   The fertility clinic is a roller coaster ride and it is nice when the emotions lose their edge and fade.  I still remember transferring to the regular ob office and sitting through my extra long orientation meeting with my mom and finagling an ultrasound from the super nice head nurse because I was from the REI clinic and very hopeful to show my mom a glimpse since she came out specially for the appt.  Only to find where once was a heatbeat there was none.  
I hope your time on the roller coaster is short and with minimal heartache and stress.  
I recently feng shui-ed to the thrift store almost all of my pregnancy and babyhood books.  While I'd like to think I'm not a terrible parent and/or only capable of producing/raising children with delays of this or that diagnosis - the idea of trying again fades out more than in lately.  I know that I would at least not like to feel like I am underwater and believe I've a couple years before I know we are on the right track with the boys.  

Posted by: Jenn at September 05, 2011 03:02 PM (LHZib)

2 It's amazing how the littlest things we unearth can bring it all back to the forefront. We put a lid on the infertility nearly two years ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I have utterly blue moments on the days that I feel that every pregnant dependent has stormed my BX at the same time to flaunt their fullness over my barrenness. I know that's my insanity speaking but for just getting the single experience of stroking my own growing belly I'd give so many things.

Lately I've been struggling when healthy close friends of mine cavalierly drop the dates of when they plan on adding to their broods. Johnnie is nearly 1 so we hope to get knocked up again in the next 2 months. It's so hard to be torn between saying Good Luck! and STFU! can't you see it hurts?? Can't you see it's NOT that easy for some of us?! You don't KNOW what it's like! Do you always make 'skinny' comments in front of the fat girls without disregard for their feelings!

I wish you all the best! I am loving you sister and praying for you from around the globe! Every post I wait with baited breath and with every milestone I laugh and I cry for you. [hugs]

Posted by: Darla at September 08, 2011 01:48 AM (d/msI)

3 Darla -- One of the most annoying ones I ever heard was a friend who said, "We want a third kid but we're gonna wait until after this fall because I don't want to be fat at my high school reunion."  Sigh.  Oh to be able to plan so easily...
I think about you often.  You might like that book I linked to...it's not funny (if you want funny, "Infertility Sucks" is a good read), but it's...powerful.

Posted by: Sarah at September 08, 2011 09:54 AM (ifOVh)

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