March 31, 2010


P.S.  I must be doing something wrong, because we've been using Mylicon and gripe water, and it doesn't seem to help.  Or her gas would be phenomenally worse without the two products...

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March 30, 2010


Reader TK told me a long time ago that my post on lasik was an "honest account of the procedure."  I thought I'd try to do that for the first month of having a baby too.

Oh, and as an aside, I can't tell you how happy I am that I got lasik now.  I can see my baby in the middle of the night to nurse.  That is worth any money I had to spend and any disappointment I previously felt with my imperfect results.

A year ago, my husband was at SERE school.  We decided that having a baby is my version of SERE: you don't grok it until you've done it.  No matter how much you think you mentally understand what it's like to be starved and beaten, until you go to SERE and experience it, you really can't grok.  That's how I feel about having a baby.  Sure I knew that labor would hurt.  I knew that babies cry and don't sleep through the night.  I knew that my life would get difficult.

I knew it.  But I didn't grok it.

The first days home from the hospital were rough.  And that's an understatement.  I remember weeping frequently.  Wandering around the house in a daze because I had had no sleep at all.  Topless, because my breasts were leaking both milk and blood.  Unable to sit, because my episiotomy hurt so bad that I couldn't sit upright without severe pain.

No one fully explains that to you when they say "being a mother is hard."  Or "childbirth hurts."

My husband remarked that a woman goes through the most pain she will ever experience in her life and simultaneously gets slapped with the biggest responsibility she's ever had.

No one could possibly have helped me grok the sense of frustration and failure I would feel when my baby is in pain, when she gets severe gas, when she projectile vomits several times a day.  How manic I would get, googling over and over to figure out how to breastfeed better so my scabbed and bleeding nipples would heal.  How to prevent and cure her gas.  How to help her calm herself when she's obviously tired but simply won't listen to me when I beg her to just close her eyes and sleep.

I have done this for one month, in a fog of pain and exhaustion.  I cannot believe how hard it is.  I can't believe that most of the women in my life have done this before me and survived.  Without constantly complaining about it.  Because that's what I want to do.

It's getting easier.  Or at least more predictable.  I am starting to distinguish her hungry cry from her tired cry.  I am slowly learning how to fix both.  I no longer panic when she barfs all over me at 1 AM; in fact, I have learned to burp her while standing in the bathtub for an easy clean-up.  And when I jolt awake in serious pain because of a blocked milk duct, I know what to do.  And I push through the pain and feed her because that's what mothers do.

I am learning to be a mother.  It's far harder than I imagined it would be.

And I am now smart enough to grok that it won't get easier, just different.

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March 29, 2010


I read The Corner today.
For the first time in a month.

I thought my life of watching TV, knitting, and reading blogs would integrate easily with a baby.  It's not like I'm some big-shot career woman, right?  I could still do my hobbies while she naps.

It's proving far harder to do that than I ever imagined.

She's developed a bit of a projectile vomiting issue.  The cure is to be upright all the time.  That is not conducive to setting her down.

I am currently typing with her over my shoulder.  I have learned to do many things one-handed.

It's a lot of work.  A LOT.  I am in awe of the mothers who've gone before me.

But I read a blog today.  Maybe I can learn to squeeze my old life in between my new life at times.

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March 23, 2010


I'm with McCardle; I don't think any of this will happen.
8 Predictions for Health Care
(I read two whole articles today.)

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March 21, 2010


I know there are a few pregnant ladies who read this blog, so I thought I'd steal a few free minutes to write an AAR.

As I told one of these friends recently, having the baby is everything you imagined it would be...only moreso.  That's about the only way I can describe the situation.  Logically I knew everything that was going to happen, but until it really happened, I had never fully grokked it.

Labor hurts, more than you think it will.  Breastfeeding hurts and is hard, harder than you think you will be.  You will not be grossed out by your baby's poop, like you think you would be.  Your heart will completely stop when your baby chokes and stops breathing for a second, which is scarier than I ever imagined.  And you will be tired, WAY more than you think you will be.

It's just everything you knew it would be, only more.

Oh, and there's way more laundry too.

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March 18, 2010


Quick, before she wakes up from her nap!

I haven't read a news site, watched a news program, or followed any current event at all this whole month.  A few days ago, I asked my husband, "Is Corey Haim dead or something?"

I want to get back to my hobby, but it's just so low on the totem pole.  But I do need to get back to at least reading the news.

And maybe once I know what's going on, I might have something to say here.  In between feedings.

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March 11, 2010

20,000 LEAGUES!

Nearly three years ago, I had the idea to take this photo.  I finally got to take it...and Baby couldn't have posed better if she were an actor!  Well done, Baby.  Way to make Mommy's dreams come true.

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March 06, 2010


I'm still going to finish that blog post that got lost -- I started rewriting it and got sidetracked nine hours ago -- but I just wanted to let you all know that I am doing much better tonight.  My fantastic husband took the baby all afternoon and let me take a long nap and do my sitz bath.  The two of them drank beer and watched The Godfather all afternoon, which is so adorable.  He knew I needed a break, and didn't even ask; he just disappeared with her and let me be alone for a while.  I appreciate it so much.

I am feeling much better and ready to face another sleepless night.

And as requested...a photo with cute feet.

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I could just cry...I was working on an enormous blog post while baby was catching some sleep...and I went to save the draft and accidentally hit the back arrow in the browser and lost the whole thing.

And it was a post about how every minute in the day is precious and can't be wasted because there's too much to do.

Seriously, I could just cry.

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March 05, 2010


I don't mind sharing the baby's name with people, but I just don't want to post it publicly.  If you want to know, shoot me an email at tryingtogrok at hotmail and I will let you know.

When I find time.  Which has proven to be phenomenally hard so far.  I haven't even found the time in two whole days to take a sitz bath -- something I desperately want to do -- because I feel like I am constantly starting or ending a feeding.  I haven't taken a single nap.  And most days I forget to take my medicines too.

This is chaos.  I am still figuring it out.

Has anything happened in the world?  Baby watched O'Reilly with my mom last night, so she's more up to date on current events than I am at this point.

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March 03, 2010


I had my 39 week appointment Monday morning.  I had been having contractions over the weekend, but nothing that I felt was enough to warrant going to the hospital.  At my appointment they determined I was already 5 cm: halfway there!  And that I was having regular contractions.  It was news to me, as I was feeling fine.

They admitted me at about 1:00 and started me on penicillin because I was GBS positive.  I would need four hours on the IV in order for the baby to get all the meds.  They decided to break my water at 3:30, figuring I'd have plenty of time before baby arrived.  I assumed she'd get here around midnight...

As soon as my water broke, the pain kicked in, and I started dilating fast.  I finally decided I wanted an epidural, and they checked me as they called the anesthetist.  I was already 10 cm.  So I just decided to go for it.

They set me up to push and I closed my eyes and pushed with everything I had.  I was concentrating so hard and was in so much pain that I never knew what was happening: the baby's heart rate went berserk.  The midwife grabbed the scissors they use to cut the umbilical cord and started cutting me in all directions, while the doctor grabbed the vacuum.  She came out and they whisked her away to check her out.  I didn't get to see her for the first hour, which broke my heart, but thankfully her Daddy and Gramma got to spend the time with her. 

Meanwhile, I had to get put back together again.  And let me say, I never really understood the gravity of the words "tear" and "episiotomy."  I do now.

She looks just like her Daddy, which I love.  We are working hard on breastfeeding, with about 85% success.  We got home this evening and Charlie went bonkers.  He wants to lick her constantly.  She squeaks, just like his toys.

We are happy...

(Daddy just said that he hopes her SSN shows up soon so he can open her accounts.  "She's been alive for two days and she doesn't have any money yet."  And then Charlie licked the top of her head.  I love my family.)

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March 01, 2010

BabyGrok Is Here!

Born at 5:30 pm and weighing in at 7 lbs 14 oz.


Posted by: Sarah at 08:34 PM | Comments (58) | Add Comment
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airforcewife Reporting In

So, I finish up my boxing workout and the phone rings with Sarah's name showing.  As soon as I heard Mr. Grok's voice I shouted, "Do we have a baby?"  Which is really very silly, because "we" don't have a baby, but please forgive me for being a little proprietary here - I'm sure you all understand.   We're a little invested in this whole thing, right?

The news is that Sarah is in the hospital and getting down to business.  And doing quite well, apparently!  It was reported to me that she's got the "best contractions in the ward." 

And I'm totally not surprised by that at all.  More to come soon - BabyGrok is on her way. 

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