September 03, 2011


I discovered today while unpacking the bookcases that I have an entire box of books about how to get pregnant.  Wow.  That's a lot of info on a process that most people barely have to think about.

I set aside one of the books that CVG got me a few years ago that I'd never felt good enough to read.  I started it tonight, and all the feelings came crashing back.  Things I haven't thought about in a long time.  Things I'd forgotten.  Things that used to hurt so badly and that don't hurt anymore...until I remember how badly they hurt once.  It never really goes away.

And I am one of the lucky ones: I both figured out what caused my problem and managed a work-around.  I conquered my infertility, at least once.  I'd like to do it again, but I know how many people would give anything to do it just once.

Mostly, I remember the hope.  Death by hope.  Lying in bed after an IUI naming my triplets and imagining us all crossing the street holding hands.  I remember how badly it hurt to have that hope destroyed over and over again.  To feel it flame up every two weeks for years.  What a miserable way that was to live.

It's not over though.  I'd still like to conquer again.

But anything I feel today is nothing like how I felt in April 2009.  And I hate that there are others out there who live like that forever...

Posted by: Sarah at 11:47 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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