February 10, 2012

LIVID AT LUCK

CaliValleyGirl sent me a link to a blog post...man, it could've been written by me:


This month makes it one year.  One year of letting it happen.  One year of disappointment.  One year of trying not to hate all the pregnant girls that are around me.  One year of the most intense pain and frustration and sadness that my poor sheltered life has encountered.  One year of crying myself to sleep and stressing out Jeremy and basically feeling like an ungrateful selfish obsessive overanalyst.  Because that is what I feel like.  I have a beautiful home, a wonderful husband, a pretty outstandingly awesome son and all I think about is what I don’t have.

My husband and I were just talking about this two nights ago.  He has a good, secure job.  We have far more money than we need.  We have a wonderful relationship.  We have a beautiful daughter who sleeps through the night and naps like a dream and talks way ahead of her age.  And yet we're so gosh-darned morose most of the time.  It's sick.

We both vowed to try to do better.  To enjoy the kairos moments of life more.  To count our blessings.

And to know that, adding one more kid to our family will not automatically solve everything.  In fact, it will add quite a bit of work in the short term!  Sleepless nights, and stress, and double the amount of crying that goes on in this living room already.

This month makes it one year for me too: I got pregnant with #5 when BabyGrok turned 1, and she turns 2 when March begins.  I have been fake-pregnant almost continuously since last June (five months to get past #6, and then got pregnant with #7 two weeks later...whose presence is still hanging around...)  It's unreal that so much time has passed.  And it's a joke that I thought I might get pregnant "too fast" and have kids that are "too close together."  I wish...

I don't know how to let go of wanting what I want, especially when I know it is possible.  I know I can conceive a healthy child, which makes quitting seem silly.  But if I get over #7 and move on to a failed #8 in two weeks, I will be livid.

I have been livid at my luck for five years now.  I really want to learn how to let that feeling go...

Posted by: Sarah at 02:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 409 words, total size 3 kb.

February 09, 2012

NEMO

BabyGrok has had a cold, so yesterday we sat down to watch a bit of Finding Nemo.  I decided to skip the beginning scene where all the babies get eaten, so I scene selected forward one.  We started with Marlin discovering the one lone baby egg and picking it up, vowing to never let anything happen to little Nemo.


Oh heavens.  I just grokked Finding Nemo.

I do worry about this sometimes, how utterly irreplaceable BabyGrok is.  All children are irreplaceable, but it seems to me it's even scarier when you can't just go upstairs and make another one.

I held my baby while Marlin held his and got a little choked up...

Posted by: Sarah at 01:52 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 114 words, total size 1 kb.

February 04, 2012

ARE WE DONE YET?

I have been bleeding for five weeks now.  I am sick of it.
I seem to be getting worse at miscarrying.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:51 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 25 words, total size 1 kb.

February 01, 2012

ONLY CHILD

"So, is she your only child?"


It's a perfectly normal question.  I myself ask it frequently of other moms, just to get a feel for their situation.  No one means anything by it.

But I hate that question so very much.

We started a new playgroup with 12 other families.  I got asked that question 12 times.  I wanted to cry by the end.  And another family was so happy because they had just had a new baby boy the week before...

...and he was named the boy name we have chosen.

Again, not fun to suffer through with a smile.

I am finally un-pregnant and so tomorrow I start doing the next round of bloodwork to look for additional problems.  I have no idea how long it will take to get the results.

This weekend will mark five years since we started trying to build our family. I cannot wrap my brain around that at all.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:33 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 159 words, total size 1 kb.

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