July 29, 2011

MOVING ON

Just an update.  The second round of meds worked, and I immediately felt better.  Not morning sick anymore.  Still a little sore, but glad to be moving on now.


Now just stressed out that we're moving 1000 miles in two weeks.

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July 25, 2011

GONE BABY GONE

Without hesitation, this has been the most irritating pregnancy so far.  The raised expectations and the morning sickness, then the death dragged out for three weeks, then the continued morning sickness, and now...


I took the round of meds on Thursday and they didn't work.  The baby did not get the eviction notice and is still hanging around.  So now I have to start all over again tomorrow.  More meds.  And this time with no husband home on the weekend to help.

I just want this baby GONE.

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July 21, 2011

I THOUGHT I WAS DONE

What's been hardest to accept, I think, is the fact that I thought I was done.  I foolishly let myself get my hopes up this time that, because I felt so similar to how I felt while pregnant with BabyGrok, and because that one was a success, that we were having another baby.  And since we would be perfectly content to be a family of four, I thought we were done.  I even remarked to a friend that maybe we'd get off easy, maybe we'd get away with only having to be pregnant six times.


Only six times.  How sad is it that that's now what I consider having good luck...

I was done, in my head.  I counted the chicken before it hatched and let myself breathe a sigh of relief that I might never have to try to get pregnant again.  We were stepping off the rollercoaster and calling it a day.  We had "won."  We were successful.  We had completed our family at long last.

I am accustomed to losing babies.  I am accustomed to getting my hopes dashed.  But this one hit me hard because I had The End within my sight, right at my fingertips, and it got yanked away.

And now I don't see myself getting lucky the seventh time.  Now I start imagining that we might have to do it an eighth or ninth time...and could we stomach doing it a tenth?  How many is too many?

I thought six was the end.  Now I don't see any end in sight.

And now I have absolutely no criteria for feeling confident about future pregnancies.  Strong hormone levels?  Means nothing.  Morning sickness?  Had it in half the pregnancies.  A baby with a heartbeat?  #6 had a flicker and #2 had a full-on thump, and what good did it do?

There are no reliable indicators for success anymore.

The seventh time will be hard.

And it will be in a new city with a new doctor too...probably someone who will try to convince me that all the indicators mean something.

Ugh, I was done.  I thought I was done.  It hurts to have that taken away.

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July 16, 2011

CRAP SANDWICH

Horrible.  Just horrible.  I am still extremely morning sick.  But it's either that or take the meds and face excruciating pain.  Nice choice.  Can I have neither?  Nope, I get both.  So I get to be morning sick for one more week and then I get to have the big dose of pain.  What a crap sandwich.

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July 14, 2011

CRUEL SHOCK

I don't even know how to write this, or where to begin, or what witty angle to use to lay out the story of yet another dead baby.  I used to compose the blog post in the car on the way home.  I have been home for hours and still don't know what to say or think.


This one was a surprise.  A cruel shock.

The only other time I had doubling HCG levels and strong morning sickness was with BabyGrok.  I was craving the same things (pizza bread and white wine) and as exhausted as I was with her.  And even last week's WTF wasn't enough to deter me from thinking that we had just conceived late and everything was going fine.

Is it because it's happening today and it feels much more real, or is this really as I perceive it to be: the biggest blow of them all?  Because this time, more than any other time before, even BabyGrok, I was sure I was having a baby.

It just feels so cruel to have to be morning sick for a month for nothing.  And to still be morning sick because there's a dead baby inside of me pumping out hormones and tricking my body into thinking it's pregnant.

Ugh, I just can't say anything more about it anymore.  I am mad and hurt today.

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July 07, 2011

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

There's just one so far, but she's a pretty big one.



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I'M TIRED OF GUESSING WHETHER THE ATOM DECAYED OR NOT

OK, I'm trying to be zen, really I am, but life is really testing my limits.


The nurse originally wanted to schedule my ultrasound for back in June.  I resisted, saying that I wanted to wait until we'd be positive either way that we ought to see a heartbeat.  I thought July 7th was well far enough in advance to guarantee that no heart = dead and heart = alive.

But I went in today and the results were inconclusive.  There was the merest, tiniest flicker where the heart ought to grow, meaning that there could be a heartbeat within days...or not.

Ugh.

I just feel overwhelmed with frustration right now.  I tried so hard to avoid this scenario.  It felt like an eternity waiting until July 7, but I did it because I thought that uncertainty at home was better than uncertainty in front of the ultrasound screen.  Unfortunately, I got both.

And what I'd really like now is to talk to someone who gets it...but I don't know anyone.  I don't know anyone else who has repeatedly sat in limbo wondering if her baby is alive or dead.  I don't even know anyone who's done that once.  I know my friends are sympathetic, and as empathetic as they can be, but I just want solidarity.  I just want someone who groks.

So I wait another week, wondering if the flicker will turn into a heartbeat or just peter out.  Debating myself whether my morning sickness is real or psychosomatic.  Living in two alternate realities, one where the atom decays and kills Schroedinger's cat and the other where it doesn't.

I'm tired of doing this.

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July 01, 2011

ELEPHANT

Worth reading: Do you know how to eat an Elephant?

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