tryingtogrok.new.mu.nu

July 21, 2011

I THOUGHT I WAS DONE

What's been hardest to accept, I think, is the fact that I thought I was done. I foolishly let myself get my hopes up this time that, because I felt so similar to how I felt while pregnant with BabyGrok, and because that one was a success, that we were having another baby. And since we would be perfectly content to be a family of four, I thought we were done. I even remarked to a friend that maybe we'd get off easy, maybe we'd get away with only having to be pregnant six times.

Only six times. How sad is it that that's now what I consider having good luck...

I was done, in my head. I counted the chicken before it hatched and let myself breathe a sigh of relief that I might never have to try to get pregnant again. We were stepping off the rollercoaster and calling it a day. We had "won." We were successful. We had completed our family at long last.

I am accustomed to losing babies. I am accustomed to getting my hopes dashed. But this one hit me hard because I had The End within my sight, right at my fingertips, and it got yanked away.

And now I don't see myself getting lucky the seventh time. Now I start imagining that we might have to do it an eighth or ninth time...and could we stomach doing it a tenth? How many is too many?

I thought six was the end. Now I don't see any end in sight.

And now I have absolutely no criteria for feeling confident about future pregnancies. Strong hormone levels? Means nothing. Morning sickness? Had it in half the pregnancies. A baby with a heartbeat? #6 had a flicker and #2 had a full-on thump, and what good did it do?

There are no reliable indicators for success anymore.

The seventh time will be hard.

And it will be in a new city with a new doctor too...probably someone who will try to convince me that all the indicators mean something.

Ugh, I was done. I thought I was done. It hurts to have that taken away.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:32 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 366 words, total size 2 kb.

1 It hurts to see you go through this again.
I thought you might be done too. I was wrong. I am so sorry.

Posted by: Amritas at July 21, 2011 07:54 PM (ZsCaC)

2 Ugh. I hate this. I hate that you are having to be thinking that 6 was a lucky thing and such. I wish that you were able to be seeing that end in sight. I remember Kev and I having a discussion about this after the miscarriage between Caden and Jack. He said, "If you knew for sure that you would have another baby, but you had to lose 3 more to get there would you do it?" I couldn't answer that question, I just hoped with all of my being that the next pregnancy would end with a live baby. I am so sad that yours didn't. I wish I could make it better for you and take on a few of those losses for you.

Posted by: Stacy at July 22, 2011 12:44 AM (n8pne)

3 Stacy, you've already had more than your fair share. But I know what you mean, we've had that talk too. I wish it were knowable, because I could survive three more if I were certain the fourth would be another baby. The hard part is the not knowing.

Posted by: Sarah at July 22, 2011 07:02 AM (iD+cA)

4 I can only imagine how much all of this sucks, but as someone who lives in her head, I know the terrible ways our brains and emotions torture us. Sometimes the only good thing about time is that it keeps on moving.

Posted by: beth at July 23, 2011 10:51 AM (s/jIo)

5 So sorry Sarah. I have no words of comfort but not saying anything felt too wrong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Tracey at July 23, 2011 09:41 PM (wKx+4)

6 I've stopped by here several times, but haven't really known what to say. I've experienced a miscarriage (again, with those damn 'high' hormone levels), but did not go through the multiple experiences you have...the not knowing must be overwhelming. I'm not sure any words I can say can bring comfort...but you are in my prayers. Thank you for reaching out with your situation so that others can know, maybe try to understand, and even be able to find a kindred soul...

Posted by: Mrs. Who at July 24, 2011 10:25 PM (CtX4I)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Comments are disabled. Post is locked.

46kb generated in CPU 0.6006, elapsed 0.6715 seconds.
49 queries taking 0.3144 seconds, 203 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.

Search Thingy

There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.
--The Count of Monte Cristo--

While our troops go out to defend our country, it is incumbent upon us to make the country worth defending.
--Deskmerc--

ABOUT SARAH

In a Nutshell
100 Things
Sarah's knittery
knitting pics on Flickr
What the heck is Grok?
I also contribute at SpouseBUZZ
tryingtogrok -at- hotmail

READING

The Spy's Wife

My Imaginary Friends

USS Clueless
Instapundit
Amaravati Abode of Amritas
The Bleat
The Corner

Deskmerc
Eject! Eject! Eject!
Ambient Irony
Parkway Rest Stop
Cavalier's Guardian WatchBlog
Bunker Mulligan
Right Wing News
Conservative Grapevine
Joanne Jacobs

Hud's Blog-O-Rama
Power Line
Beth's Contradictory Brain
Varifrank
Cold Fury
Bear Creek Ledger
Photon Courier
Anwyn's Notes in the Margin
Fiberlicious
Wis Faest Wordum
The Cobwebs Of My Mind
Rachel Lucas
Dear Darla
Learning To Live
Unliberaled Woman
Daily Koan
Kannie's Cogitations
Rockport Conservatives

Blackfive
Mudville Gazette
Shield of Achilles
Chuck Z
Senseless Drive By Thoughts
ArmyWifeToddlerMom
Most Certainly Not
A Work In Progress
Sis B
CaliValleyGirl

Monthly Traffic

Pages: 46337
Files: 3725
Bytes: 903.1M
CPU Time: 24:53
Queries: 2172917

Content

Posts: 3662
Comments: 14418

Feeds

QUOTES

Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, WWII, and the Star Wars Trilogy.
--Bart Simpson--

If you want to be a peacemaker, you've gotta learn to kick ass.
--Sheriff of East Houston, Superman II--

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind.
--Jed Babbin--

Dante once said that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality.
--President John F. Kennedy--

War is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours.
--General Patton--

We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
--Full Metal Jacket--

Those who threaten us and kill innocents around the world do not need to be treated more sensitively. They need to be destroyed.
--Dick Cheney--

The Flag has to come first if freedom is to survive.
--Col Steven Arrington--

The purpose of diplomacy isn't to make us feel good about Eurocentric diplomatic skills, and having countries from the axis of chocolate tie our shoelaces together does nothing to advance our infantry.
--Sir George--

I just don't care about the criticism I receive every day, because I know the cause I defend is right.
--Oriol--

It's days like this when we're reminded that freedom isn't free.
--Chaplain Jacob--

Bumper stickers aren't going to accomplish some of the missions this country is going to face.
--David Smith--

The success of multilateralism is measured not merely by following a process, but by achieving results.
--President Bush--

Live and act within the limit of your knowledge and keep expanding it to the limit of your life.
--John Galt--

First, go buy a six pack and swig it all down. Then, watch Ace Ventura. And after that, buy a Hard Rock Cafe shirt and come talk to me. You really need to lighten up, man.
--Sminklemeyer--

You've got to kill people, and when you've killed enough they stop fighting
--General Curtis Lemay--

If we wish to be free, if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending, if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained -- we must fight!
--Patrick Henry--

America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every child must be taught these principles. Every citizen must uphold them. And every immigrant, by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American.
--President George W. Bush--

are usually just cheerleading sessions, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing but a soothing reduction in blood pressure brought about by the narcotic high of being agreed with.
--Bill Whittle

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
--John Stuart Mill--

We are determined that before the sun sets on this terrible struggle, our flag will be recognized throughout the world as a symbol of freedom on the one hand and of overwhelming force on the other.
--General George Marshall--

We can continue to try and clean up the gutters all over the world and spend all of our resources looking at just the dirty spots and trying to make them clean. Or we can lift our eyes up and look into the skies and move forward in an evolutionary way.
--Buzz Aldrin--

America is the greatest, freest and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world.
--Dinesh D'Souza--

Recent anti-Israel protests remind us again of our era's peculiar alliance: the most violent, intolerant, militantly religious movement in modern times has the peace movement on its side.
--James Lileks--

As a wise man once said: we will pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. Unless the price is too high, the burden too great, the hardship too hard, the friend acts disproportionately, and the foe fights back. In which case, we need a timetable.
--James Lileks--

I am not willing to kill a man so that he will agree with my faith, but I am prepared to kill a man so that he cannot force my compatriots to submit to his.
--Froggy--

You can say what you want about President Bush; but the truth is that he can take a punch. The man has taken a swift kick in the crotch for breakfast every day for 6 years and he keeps getting up with a smile in his heart and a sense of swift determination to see the job through to the best of his abilties.
--Varifrank--

In a perfect world, We'd live in peace and love and harmony with each oither and the world, but then, in a perfect world, Yoko would have taken the bullet.
--SarahBellum--

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.
--Ronald Reagan--

America is rather like life. You can usually find in it what you look for. It will probably be interesting, and it is sure to be large.
--E.M. Forster--

Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse.
--Mark Twain--

The Enlightenment was followed by the French Revolution and the Napoleonic wars, which touched every European state, sparked vicious guerrilla conflicts across the Continent and killed millions. Then, things really turned ugly after the invention of soccer.
--Iowahawk--

Every time I meet an Iraqi Army Soldier or Policeman that I haven't met before, I shake his hand and thank him for his service. Many times I am thanked for being here and helping his country. I always tell them that free people help each other and that those that truly value freedom help those seeking it no matter the cost.
--Jack Army--

Right, left - the terms are useless nowadays anyway. There are statists, and there are individualists. There are pessimists, and optimists. There are people who look backwards and trust in the West, and those who look forward and trust in The World. Those are the continuums that seem to matter the most right now.
--Lileks--

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
--Winston Churchill--

A man or a nation is not placed upon this earth to do merely what is pleasant and what is profitable. It is often called upon to carry out what is both unpleasant and unprofitable, but if it is obviously right it is mere shirking not to undertake it.
--Arthur Conan Doyle--

A man who has nothing which he cares about more than he does about his personal safety is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the existing of better men than himself.
--John Stuart Mill--

After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference."
--Dave Grossman--

At heart Iâ€™m a cowboy; my attitude is if theyâ€™re not going to stand up and fight for what they believe in then they can go pound sand.
--Bill Whittle--

A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.
--Alexander Tyler--

By that time a village half-wit could see what generations of professors had pretended not to notice.
--Atlas Shrugged--

I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and everything seemed so shitty. And he'd say, "That's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too."
--Alabama Worley--

So Bush is history, and we have a new president who promises to heal the planet, and yet the jihadists donâ€™t seem to have got the Obama message that there are no enemies, just friends we havenâ€™t yet held talks without preconditions with.
--Mark Steyn--

"I had started alone in this journey called life, people started gathering up on the way, and the caravan got bigger everyday."
--Urdu couplet

The book and the sword are the two things that control the world. We either gonna control them through knowledge and influence their minds, or we gonna bring the sword and take their heads off.
--RZA--

It's a daily game of public Frogger, hopping frantically to avoid being crushed under the weight of your own narcissism, banality, and plain old stupidity.
--Mary Katharine Ham--

There are more instances of the abridgment of freedoms of the people by gradual and silent encroachment of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.
--James Madison--

It is in the heat of emotion that good people must remember to stand on principle.
--Larry Elder--

Please show this to the president and ask him to remember the wishes of the forgotten man, that is, the one who dared to vote against him. We expect to be tramped on but we do wish the stepping would be a little less hard.
--from a letter to Eleanor Roosevelt--

The world economy depends every day on some engineer, farmer, architect, radiator shop owner, truck driver or plumber getting up at 5AM, going to work, toiling hard, and producing real wealth so that an array of bureaucrats, regulators, and redistributors can manage the proper allotment of much of the natural largess produced.
--VDH--

Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves.
--Marcelene Cox--

Monthly Traffic

Content

Feeds

July 21, 2011

Search Thingy

My Imaginary Friends

Recent Comments

Categories

Archives