July 21, 2011

I THOUGHT I WAS DONE

What's been hardest to accept, I think, is the fact that I thought I was done.  I foolishly let myself get my hopes up this time that, because I felt so similar to how I felt while pregnant with BabyGrok, and because that one was a success, that we were having another baby.  And since we would be perfectly content to be a family of four, I thought we were done.  I even remarked to a friend that maybe we'd get off easy, maybe we'd get away with only having to be pregnant six times.


Only six times.  How sad is it that that's now what I consider having good luck...

I was done, in my head.  I counted the chicken before it hatched and let myself breathe a sigh of relief that I might never have to try to get pregnant again.  We were stepping off the rollercoaster and calling it a day.  We had "won."  We were successful.  We had completed our family at long last.

I am accustomed to losing babies.  I am accustomed to getting my hopes dashed.  But this one hit me hard because I had The End within my sight, right at my fingertips, and it got yanked away.

And now I don't see myself getting lucky the seventh time.  Now I start imagining that we might have to do it an eighth or ninth time...and could we stomach doing it a tenth?  How many is too many?

I thought six was the end.  Now I don't see any end in sight.

And now I have absolutely no criteria for feeling confident about future pregnancies.  Strong hormone levels?  Means nothing.  Morning sickness?  Had it in half the pregnancies.  A baby with a heartbeat?  #6 had a flicker and #2 had a full-on thump, and what good did it do?

There are no reliable indicators for success anymore.

The seventh time will be hard.

And it will be in a new city with a new doctor too...probably someone who will try to convince me that all the indicators mean something.

Ugh, I was done.  I thought I was done.  It hurts to have that taken away.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:32 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 It hurts to see you go through this again.
I thought you might be done too. I was wrong. I am so sorry.

Posted by: Amritas at July 21, 2011 07:54 PM (ZsCaC)

2 Ugh.  I hate this.  I hate that you are having to be thinking that 6 was a lucky thing and such.  I wish that you were able to be seeing that end in sight.  I remember Kev and I having a discussion about this after the miscarriage between Caden and Jack.  He said, "If you knew for sure that you would have another baby, but you had to lose 3 more to get there would you do it?"  I couldn't answer that question, I just hoped with all of my being that the next pregnancy would end with a live baby.  I am so sad that yours didn't.  I wish I could make it better for you and take on a few of those losses for you.

Posted by: Stacy at July 22, 2011 12:44 AM (n8pne)

3 Stacy, you've already had more than your fair share.  But I know what you mean, we've had that talk too.  I wish it were knowable, because I could survive three more if I were certain the fourth would be another baby.  The hard part is the not knowing.

Posted by: Sarah at July 22, 2011 07:02 AM (iD+cA)

4 I can only imagine how much all of this sucks, but as someone who lives in her head, I know the terrible ways our brains and emotions torture us.  Sometimes the only good thing about time is that it keeps on moving.

Posted by: beth at July 23, 2011 10:51 AM (s/jIo)

5 So sorry Sarah. I have no words of comfort but not saying anything felt too wrong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Tracey at July 23, 2011 09:41 PM (wKx+4)

6 I've stopped by here several times, but haven't really known what to say.  I've experienced a miscarriage (again, with those damn 'high' hormone levels), but did not go through the multiple experiences you have...the not knowing must be overwhelming.  I'm not sure any words I can say can bring comfort...but you are in my prayers.  Thank you for reaching out with your situation so that others can know, maybe try to understand, and even be able to find a kindred soul...

Posted by: Mrs. Who at July 24, 2011 10:25 PM (CtX4I)

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