July 07, 2011

I'M TIRED OF GUESSING WHETHER THE ATOM DECAYED OR NOT

OK, I'm trying to be zen, really I am, but life is really testing my limits.


The nurse originally wanted to schedule my ultrasound for back in June.  I resisted, saying that I wanted to wait until we'd be positive either way that we ought to see a heartbeat.  I thought July 7th was well far enough in advance to guarantee that no heart = dead and heart = alive.

But I went in today and the results were inconclusive.  There was the merest, tiniest flicker where the heart ought to grow, meaning that there could be a heartbeat within days...or not.

Ugh.

I just feel overwhelmed with frustration right now.  I tried so hard to avoid this scenario.  It felt like an eternity waiting until July 7, but I did it because I thought that uncertainty at home was better than uncertainty in front of the ultrasound screen.  Unfortunately, I got both.

And what I'd really like now is to talk to someone who gets it...but I don't know anyone.  I don't know anyone else who has repeatedly sat in limbo wondering if her baby is alive or dead.  I don't even know anyone who's done that once.  I know my friends are sympathetic, and as empathetic as they can be, but I just want solidarity.  I just want someone who groks.

So I wait another week, wondering if the flicker will turn into a heartbeat or just peter out.  Debating myself whether my morning sickness is real or psychosomatic.  Living in two alternate realities, one where the atom decays and kills Schroedinger's cat and the other where it doesn't.

I'm tired of doing this.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:43 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 I am so sorry about this.  I have been there.  And I remember the games I would play with taking pregnancy tests and scheduling ultrasounds and whether I would tell people I was pregnant and when.  All sorts of superstitions cropped up when I am not normally a superstitious person.  I am a planner and uncertainty doesn't lead to good, concrete plans.  With one pregnancy I threw caution to the wind and bought some cute girl outfits that were on sale and then had to hide them in the closet because looking at them hurt.  What finally worked for me was complete pessimism (I am not suggesting it, just telling).  I don't think I really believed I was going home with a baby until we got past the week of viability outside my body.

Even my husband didn't really get it.  I think because my miscarriages were so early, that for him they weren't as real as they were for me.  I was the one obsessed with dates and hormones and tests.  So, it was hard to talk to him about it because he was so certain it would all work out and what I really needed was someone to acknowledge that it might not and that I wasn't worrying for nothing.

I know were don't know each other in real life, but feel free to email me if you want to talk.

Posted by: Christa at July 07, 2011 04:37 PM (2qSbp)

2 I get it.  We went in for the ultrasound last June and the baby was measuring small and my doc kept saying I had my dates off but I knew I didn't.  Then the next day I started bleeding and for 3 days would bleed off and on heavily.  Everytime I called to go in I would be told that the blood wasn't necessarily a miscarriage and I just wanted to scream at them to shut up and quit giving me false hope because I was dealing with the loss until they piped up.  I'm 29 weeks now and still don't feel like we are out of the woods yet and will relax once she is home.  I have had no where near the difficulties that you have had, so I can only imagine the stress you are feeling.

Posted by: Tracey at July 07, 2011 05:38 PM (wKx+4)

3 Thank you, ladies.  Christa -- I know what you mean: my husband is the one person who's gone through all of this with me, and yet...he hasn't.  You're right, he doesn't count dates or take pregnancy tests or sit and agonize over when we must've conceived in order to have a 6 1/2 week old fetus instead of a 7 week old one.  He's there for me, but somehow he doesn't feel it as acutely as I do.  Tracey -- I have been there too, with the "are you sure your dates are right?" and the bleeding and the false hope.  Most of the time it was truly false hope, but I was bleeding with BabyGrok too, so that was a time that it worked out.  But usually it doesn't for me.  The nurse today told me to think positive and I said, "I'm trying, but I'm 1 for 5!"  Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

Posted by: Sarah at July 07, 2011 06:46 PM (iD+cA)

4 I don't get it.  I've never been there.  But if there was anything I could do to alleviate any of this for you, I would.

Posted by: Code Monkey at July 07, 2011 09:00 PM (3ZmMp)

5 Ditto Code Monkey

Posted by: Connie at July 07, 2011 10:37 PM (L6nIP)

6 Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, sending positive energy your way.  I think you are one amazing woman.

Posted by: Mary at July 07, 2011 11:22 PM (0+wct)

7 My grandson and his wife have gone through this, and then the last two turned out to be real, but tubal. More heartbreak.  So they are turning to IVF.  She is on the hormones now and will hopefully be implanted by the next 2 weeks.  They are lucky all the genetics seem okay.

 Ironically, his brother and his wife have the twins and older one, all under 2.  Mother Nature has some mysterious, screwed up,  stuff going on.

Posted by: Ruth H at July 08, 2011 01:20 PM (CvvEA)

8 Ugh is so right... and I'm so sorry...  Another ditto to Code Monkey. *hugs, thoughts, and prayers*...

Posted by: Krista at July 08, 2011 03:10 PM (BqTRT)

9 I'm very sorry for your frustration! I can't imagine what you are going through. Thoughts from my corner of the world!

Posted by: Darla at July 09, 2011 02:42 AM (EsO0b)

10 I went through the bleeding thing and having them say it was no big deal and it was a big deal, Everyone's experience is different. I have a friend you might want to talk to. She would totally grok.

Posted by: Mare at July 13, 2011 10:50 PM (t+Csh)

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