September 23, 2008

THEATER OF THE ABSURD

I find myself really hoping that this fertility cycle works, and not just so I get to have a baby or three. I keep thinking, "I can't wait until I have a healthy 12-week-old pregnancy so I can get the heck out of this fertility clinic."

Dealing with these people is theater of the absurd. The doctor has one philosophy and plan of action, while his nurses have another. The doctor is gangbusters, diving right in and slapping bandaids on problems so we can jerry-rig some success. The nurses want to run tests and get to the bottom of things before we do any treatment. The problem is, they haven't worked out their issues among themselves. So I end up having conversations like this:

Nurse: So we need to do a clomid challenge test and day 3 tests.
Sarah: But you told me a week ago that it was OK that I was going to be in Vegas on day 3 and couldn't be here.
Nurse: No, not OK, we have to skip this month.
Sarah: Not acceptable.
Nurse: But we need to make sure you're not already pregnant.
Sarah: My husband is deployed, so I am most certainly not.
Nurse: If your husband is deployed, how are you going to get pregnant?
Sarah: IUIs.
Nurse: Why are we doing that?
Sarah: Don't you people take notes or anything?
Nurse: (looks at chart) Oh, now I see what the doctor is doing. Well, that's risky but OK...
Sarah: RISKY??? No one said the word "risky" last week; you all acted like this was standard procedure.
Nurse: Well, the doctor doesn't always like the run the tests first, which is a problem.

Oh good lord. I was waiting for her to turn into a rhinoceros.

Ironically, a long time ago my husband and I joked about nicknaming the baby Godot, since we've been waiting for him to show up for quite a while now. I never knew I was inviting absurdity into my life with that harmless joke. But apparently I've jinxed myself into this Who's On First routine with the fertility clinic.

So we're doing a backwards compromise now. We are full steam ahead this month, trying to get pregnant. If it doesn't work this month, we will step back and start running tests to make sure my innards are a go-flight.

Maybe next time I talk to the doctor and nurses, I can get them to peek out of a joke wall à la Laugh In and have them dispense medical information in the form of knock-knock jokes.

Excuse me, does this IUI come with a cream pie to the face?

Posted by: Sarah at 05:08 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Um, Sarah. Even though your husband is deployed, *I* am still most certainly not. Look, I know we're really good friends and everything, but I just can't give up my imaginary identity like that...okay?

Posted by: Guard Wife at September 23, 2008 06:16 AM (/kc/Y)

2 At first my doc told me to take a cruise. That would help us "relax." No kidding. I'd rather put the cruise fund towards something that's a sure thing other than a 10 lb weight gain and a hangover that would last for two weeks. Then meds were discouraged for the possibility of multiple births. Okay, I'll take my passel at once and, if we end up with too many, I have friends who would love to have a kid that looks like me. My dr. office learned early on that a hormonal possible infertile can be a brass covered bitch and was not beyond camping out in their office until they got their crap straight. Smooth sailing from then on. With the exception of Nurse Ratched who stuck me super hard, missing twice, and I learned to curb my attitude with her, though. Must be nice to have a job where you can throw subtle smack down's when it's least expected. Sending you my best wishes...always

Posted by: Susan at September 23, 2008 06:38 AM (4aKG6)

3 I totally heard that conversation with the nurse in a Groucho Marx voice.

Posted by: airforcewife at September 23, 2008 06:46 AM (mIbWn)

4 You didn't say it so I will "AARRGH!!!" That is the polite version of the word. What my sisters and I tell our kids is "Do they want the SISTERS to come after them??? We will be there if you need us. Really,good luck.

Posted by: Ruth H at September 23, 2008 10:20 AM (2tSj6)

5 You're much nicer than me, I would have said "well, I think we should do what the DOCTOR suggested, seeing as...you know, he went to MEDICAL SCHOOL and all. Susan: If someone stuck me too hard like that I would've complained. And asked for another nurse. That's just not right. And I know everyone bitches about people telling them to 'relax' but I've read studies which show that it actually does help.

Posted by: Mare at September 23, 2008 11:53 AM (APbbU)

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