I debated whether I should post that thing on sleep the other day. It seemed unnecessary to cash that chip on the blog. It also made us look like we had problems, and I never like to give that impression.

But if you asked me if we had any reintegration issues in 2005, I would've said that we didn't. A trip back through those archives reveals that we did indeed have a rough patch or two. If I hadn't documented them on the blog, I would've forgotten those tough days and said that we had no problems whatsoever. I wanted to document this issue too.

This reintegration, it is a tricky thing, even for solid couples. My husband is truly my best friend. We like the same movies, the same music, the same foods, the same TV. We're both stingy, both homebodies, and both love Krauthammer. I wanted to show that reintegration is hard even for couples who get along swimmingly. It's an adjustment. I wanted to document that, because to pretend like we weren't frustrated with each other was to lie, in a sense.

He's been home a week now, and we're doing much better. No more grumpiness. He's staying up a little later to be with me and I'm not asking him to stay up as long as I'd like to. We're meeting halfway and doing fine. I want to document that too, to keep a record of when we got back on track.

MORE TO GROK:

More thoughts at SpouseBUZZ.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:27 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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We hung out together every single moment
'Cause that's what we though married people do
Complete with the grip of artificial chaos
And believing in the country of me and you

The husband is walking the dog and I am on teh internets. I am learning to not want to be with him every waking second.

But we did go out together this afternoon. The husband had a very Happy Boxing Day...

But, you know, technically it's mine because it was my permit. I plan to remind him constantly that they are both my guns but that he can borrow one if he wants to.

Heh.

Oh, and CVG got me a funny Christmas present. She was bored of getting me knitting books all the time and decided this year to focus on my second hobby. Her husband picked it out for me, which I find phenomenally cute.

My boys are back from their walk now. Gotta go stick to him like glue again...

Posted by: Sarah at 10:39 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 And believing in the country of me and you What's your immigration policy? When will your second hobby come to eclipse your first? Now that Kim du Toit's offline, there's an online market niche waiting to be filled ... Gotta go stick to him like glue again... Insert appropriate sound effect here.

Posted by: Amritas at December 26, 2008 12:48 PM (miOrm)

2 "Funny Xmas present?" May I remind you that "this book can save your life!" Glad you enjoyed it...I gave hubs the same book, I mean, since he researched it and it was approved by him, I was sneaky and got a 2nd copy for him!

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at December 26, 2008 04:06 PM (C/w9N)

3 nice. It reminds me that I want to go shooting next month. Found you via milblogging. I'm a future milspouse, possibly milblogging milspouse. Hope you don't mind if I visit from time to time.

Posted by: Annie at December 26, 2008 07:59 PM (wfky/)

4 erlnnwj egoghf phnobwj http://riqjyb.com jbqojpf phnobwj

Posted by: ekejpx at January 06, 2009 11:52 AM (YtHZo)

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Today was great. My husband didn't fall asleep once! Heh.
We had a lovely day. And we just listened to this and had a good laugh.

SNL Christmas Song

Posted by: Sarah at 03:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I was just getting ready to head to bed when I noticed that my Christmas cactus has a bloom!

Last year, my uncle was trimming one of the plants that's been in our family for generations. I took the trimmings home and put them in a pot. The cactus has grown a little since I got it, but it has never bloomed before.

A Christmas cactus getting its first bloom on Christmas. Now that just makes me smile.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:11 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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AWTM blogged from her second honeymoon. That's hardcore, and I love it.

Actually, what I really love was when she called me the other evening and asked if my husband was home. She hadn't read about the delays yet. I love that she called me even on the night she thought my husband might have gotten home. She knows I don't have a Do Not Disturb sign.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You may tell me to stay away from the blog, but you know I won't.

And actually, it was my husband who sheepishly asked this evening if I would mind if he took a trip around the internet. It didn't bother me at all, because I had been trying to figure out the polite way to ask him for the same courtesy.

We've been having fun today, doing nothing at all. We went out to breakfast and took the dog on two walks, and I've been talking his ear off and cashing in some of those chips.

We are happy to be together again and to quickly slide back into our old routine. Except now we have two laptops. Think of the fun we can have being on the internet in the same room!

(And don't worry, Chuck. We're having plenty of fun other ways too.)

Posted by: Sarah at 12:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I was starting to panic a little that I got nothing constructive done today. And then I did some thinking and decided to throw the list out the window.

I see knitting and Futurama in my future, not vacuums and dog baths.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:22 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So T linked to my brain love post, and I realized that I have recently said that I only love my husband with my brain and that I don't want babymaking. Lest anyone think that our love is boring and passionless, I thought I'd point out an old post from his last deployment:

Anthology of Goofy Crap I Said to My Husband Back in 2000

We are mushy too, not just cerebral. I love him with my brain and my heart, and though I often quote that we "care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss"...really, I do love him with all those body parts too.

He will be home so soon...and I am thrilled.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:19 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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There's another thing that happens when my husband gets home: we have to get back in the business of babymaking. Frankly, I am dreading it.

My cousin is pregnant. When my mom told me, she said, "I know it will happen for you too someday." And I felt this flash of anger and snapped at her. Because she doesn't know that, no one can know that, and it feels like a lie when I hear it. It angers me up because I know it's simply not true.

I don't have any hope that we will get pregnant. I have lost all ability to think about the future. This time last year, when we were reeling from the first miscarriage, I comforted myself with the thought that we could end 2008 with a baby. Not even remotely close. I just don't allow myself to imagine what will happen in 2009. And how on earth is it already almost 2009?

I feel like I have been frozen in time for two years, watching everyone else's life keep moving on. We have no more goals to work towards besides having this stupid baby. Before we got pregnant, we wanted to move back to the US, save x dollars, and finish my husband's MBA; we reached those goals a long time ago. We have lived in this house for two years now, and it feels like I have no idea what we have done in that time. I can't believe it. I feel like my life has made no progress since we started trying to have a baby. That was the next step, and we just can't seem to get there.

And I just want it to be over. I joked the other day that it's like in action movies when someone gets shot and they still keep trying to fight back. I feel like I keep getting shot, but I'm the Good Guy, so I have to press on to save the day and ignore the fact that I keep getting shot. And I feel like I'm limping and dragging my way to some imaginary finish line where I kiss the girl and finally get to go to the hospital...and then finally I can breathe a sigh of relief and say "it's over" while the credits roll. Only I never get there. It's never over. That's part of the reason why 'giving up' is so tempting, because then it might feel like my life can start rolling again. If I stop letting myself get shot, I will stop feeling like I've been wounded.

I have managed to block a lot of this out while my husband has been gone, but his imminent return is has shown me that I really don't want to think about it.

I don't want to start trying to have a baby again.

Darla has been doing this for seven years. She is amazing. And I know it doesn't work this way, but I would choose for her to get pregnant first if I could.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:50 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Well, with an attitude like that young ladyÂ…just kidding. I think IÂ’ve spent enough time here to know you donÂ’t literally mean some of what you said. DonÂ’t give up, (I know easy for me to say) we need people like you to procreateÂ… a lot. My useless 2 cents, (hey, what else am I here for) youÂ’ll probably get prego as soon as you stop stressing about it and within a couple days of your husband coming home. If not, the practice will be worth it. Besides all that, there should not be ANYTHING in the way of the joy of having your husband home from where heÂ’s been. There are many wives, girlfriends and widows who would gladly change cirmistances with you. I KNOW you know that but it seems it needs repeating. Lastly, I hope he doesnÂ’t read this post, I can only imagine what that would feel like, for many different reasons. But speaking as a guy thereÂ’s probably ONE thing, the one thing heÂ’s thought ofÂ…oh, a couple hundred times a day, on the very top of his list he wants to do first thing when he gets home and to have that spoiledÂ…(*cring*)

Posted by: tim at December 12, 2008 11:02 AM (nno0f)

2 How frustrating - wish there was anything that I could say beyond "I'm sorry", since that really doesn't help. I tried so hard not to get pregnant for years, and then when we decided to stop any form of birth control ... nothing happened. We obviously waited too long (I was 37), and since then I've decided it was better, for us, that our lives worked out that way. But I don't wish that for you, dang it! *sigh*

Posted by: Barb at December 12, 2008 12:02 PM (iaV9O)

3 I know what you mean, about feeling frozen in time, but for different reasons. I moved back to Texas 4 years ago this month. Decided to go back to school and become a teacher. Well, it's been 2 years now since I graduated with my M.Ed., and I still have no teaching job. There are things I didn't do or pursue because I thought "well, I don't know where I'll be once I get that teaching job". Now, I despair of ever finding one, feeling like I have wasted the last three and a half years of my life, getting to a point where I can't wait any longer for a teaching job, that I'll have to get a "real" job that will give me benefits, but that would mean I would likely never ever teach in my own classroom. And, while I've been doing this waiting, I felt reticent about trying to pursue a social life to find local friends, and what would be even better, a significant other. And, I keep being told by my (much) younger sisters (who pretty much still have their entire lives in front of them) that I'm too negative. And, re: a significant other, I keep being told "it will happen for you too someday", too, all prior experiences in the matter to the contrary. Nobody else seems to truly understand what I feel, in regard to both my professional and personal situations. As for your pending reunion with your husband, try not to stress about the baby thing, and just revel in the fact that he is back home with you.

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at December 12, 2008 01:24 PM (zoxao)

4 Sarah -- Adoption is a wonderful thing. Having "one of each," I know. Let your bitterness & anger go, and apply everywhere you can to give a loving home to a precious little soul who won't otherwise have what you can give. Don't get discouraged by all the turn-downs. The right one can come through for you. Especially reach out to Methodist Mission Home in San Antonio. They are fond of military parents.

Posted by: KansasNana at December 12, 2008 05:40 PM (O2Zo/)

5 I don't know if this will help, but your reaction to your mom is normal. I said the same thing your mom said to you to my sister when she was dealing with infertility. I was thinking I was being positive and encouraging. She looked at me and said, "Right, like you, who got preggo the first month you 'tried' BOTH times has ANY right to say a word to me!!" I was shocked that she yelled that at me, but once I apologized and she calmed down she explained to me that those things are NOT helpful and the best way to be encouraging is to listen to her bitch and then say "that sucks" and that's it. So, that's what I did. I also went out and got a book on infertility with a chapter for the relatives and close friends of those dealing with it. Eye. Opening. Everything that chapter said NOT to do, I was doing thinking I was being helpful. I read the chapter and came away with some good ways to be helpful that wouldn't make my sister feel worse. Sorry that got long. So, all I will say to end this long comment is "That sucks!"

Posted by: TracyS at December 12, 2008 07:10 PM (gNojb)

6 Sarah, Having walked a mile in your shoes, I do understand how you feel. While undergoing fertility treatments for the umpteenth time I gained weight and one of my uncles asked me if I was finally pregnant I felt like throwing something at him. My mother commented once that maybe it was better if I didn't try any more. I got pregnant, it was ectopic, had to have surgery. My youngest sister was pregnant and had her baby about 3 weeks after my surgery. Tried a few more rounds of treatments, I was angry, depressed, and darn near crazy. My wonderful husband and I nearly separated for a while because our whole existence was about our failure. The whole damned world was pregnant. Everywhere there were people having babies who didn't even bother taking care of them. And here we were aching to hold our child, but, couldn't have one. It sucked. And then one day.....

Posted by: Pamela at December 12, 2008 08:38 PM (zfLfJ)

7 there came into our lives a beautiful little blond haired blue eyed angel who wrapped her tiny hands around our hearts and refused to let go. Later still Anna came into our lives. Lori is 24 and Anna is 12 (Lord just give me the strength to go through puberty one more time). By the time Lori was 4 years old my mother was calling her Junior, because she acts so much like my husband. My family also say Anna is just like me, stubborn and determined to do things her own way. Lori has been married a couple of years and 2 weeks ago gave birth to our first grandchild, Isabella. I was in the delivery room with my daughter and son-in-law and I got to cut the cord. I love my daughters and granddaughter with every fiber of my heart. The anger, bitterness and depression began melting away the first time I looked into my babies beautiful eyes and those hurts have been healed many years. We got Lori when she was 6 weeks old and we got Anna when she was 10 months old and I don't think I could love them any more if i had given birth to them. I thank God daily for them. God bless you and your husband as you continue your efforts to build your family. PS..the first two weeks after your husband gets home, just have "fun". When the baby making starts "it" becomes a chore. PSS...Yes, this really, really sucks, but,try to find the funny in this situation. If you can keep a sense of humor you can deal with anything.

Posted by: Pamela at December 12, 2008 09:35 PM (zfLfJ)

8 Sarah, If you aren't looking forward to making a baby, then you're doing it wrong. You sound a lot like I did with physical therapy--every setback, every surgery meant more weeks/months of pain, starting over from square one, etc. I get that. The difference is you don't have transdermal narcotics and a support network of friends and family who won't let you quit. (That'd be pretty weird, too.) Now, on the bright side of things, Your husbands' swimmers will be much more aggressive when he returns home. Physiologically, it's a genetic means of making sure he (the dominant male) propagates his dna with his mate. Goes back to when we swung from vines or something. The swimmers are so aggressive they even attack any other swimmers they find (not that they will, but still.) I saw it on TV, so you know it's true, too. The guy who said it on TV even had a British accent, which automatically raised his IQ by 24 points. The only sure-fire way to get pregnant is to be 16, unwed, live in a trailer, and have unprotected sex exactly one time. Wanna borrow my two kids for a month this summer to see just what you are getting into? (sorry, snark slipped back in.) I would agree with the previous commenter not to forgo adoption as an option. I realize you aren't rich like madonna and can just go buy a baby, but there are plenty here at home. My best friend growing up (and someone who shares--almost exactly--my sense of humor--scary) was adopted, and I know several Officers who've adopted as well. I promise you this, however. I won't try to comfort you through this, I won't make excuses or begin to grok what you are going through with this, because I simply have no reference frame. But I will be your friend (imaginary though I may be) and a willing ear to bend when you don't want to burden your husband--or add any stress. I have no answers, only patience and concern. Plus, I'm a helluva pole dancer. --Chuck

Posted by: Chuck at December 12, 2008 09:55 PM (q4psF)

9 Sarah, It's different for you and your husband because you are trying to do this around his deployment and school schedules for this upcoming year. The pressure will be on. This just sucks.

Posted by: Mare at December 13, 2008 04:30 AM (APbbU)

10 Girl you know I feel your pain and frustration. That endless pacing in circles thinking what's next? That struggle between wanting to adopt and KNOW that you just don't have the extra to give amongst the evil monthly fertility cycle of 'why can't my body cave in after we ditch the meds and possibly produce one successful baby!?!' I love the support and hate it. I have a husband that rides that roller coaster while struggling to shoulder the unending pressure of the military's sometimes silly and sometimes expectations. You hit the nail right on the head! Chin up my friend. That man of yours wants you for hot body and poorly Lasik'd eyes and baby or not still wants to support you. Honesty reminds him that you are fragile and it's not always a simple thing to continually cope and mourn through. It's not the end of the world. Maybe first deal with the reintegration, talk with him, than see if you want to give it one last hurrah before chucking in the towel. I know sometimes that's all you can do. Always thinking of you and glad I stumbled into your blog so long ago!!

Posted by: Darla at December 13, 2008 04:49 AM (UcAbT)

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When my husband is gone, my bedtime creeps later and later. I have begun the process of pushing it back to where it needs to be to match my husband's sleep cycle. So Saturday was my last hurrah and I was going to go to bed early last night.

I let Charlie outside one last time, and I noticed he was spending a suspicious amount of time in the garden. We came back in the house, went upstairs, and he immediately crawled under the bed and barfed.

Had he mathematically calculated, he couldn't have done a better job of finding the middle of our queen sized bed. So I'm squeezed under the bed, my arm stretched as far as it will go, scooping up vomit.

Then I notice that the genius dog has also barfed all over his front paws. So into the bathtub he goes.

Guess who didn't really go to bed early last night?

Sleep shifting starts tonight...

Posted by: Sarah at 03:45 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 I'm LMAO. I'm sorry. I really am. But that's the funniest thing I've read all morning.

Posted by: airforcewife at December 08, 2008 06:53 AM (Fb2PC)

2 I thought my canines had the corner on the doggy brain trust market. I apologize. I'm sure it was because Charlie spent entirely too much time with Henry & Annie this summer. They were a bad influence on his mojo.

Posted by: Guard Wife at December 08, 2008 11:39 AM (N3nNT)

3 Sounds like motherhood

Posted by: Green at December 08, 2008 03:01 PM (6Co0L)

4 Good thing he is so darn cute! I'm not sure it is any sillier than Moo eating a 3-pound bag of Starburst then puking on the bed. He probably just needs an extra tummy rub.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at December 09, 2008 11:59 AM (H+5RX)

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So far today, two people have said that they're worried about me and my general level of usch. I didn't realize I was that transparent. I have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders lately.

So I shrugged.

Tonight I swung through BK for a #12, I rummed up my Coke, and I'm sitting down to watch 300 and work on my awesome top-secret knitting project.

Seriously, how could I be in a bad mood with that lineup?

Posted by: Sarah at 01:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Now it is the month when my husband comes home from deployment.

I still haven't watched the Terminator movies yet because they are on backorder. Same with 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story, which has been in my queue the entire time my husband has been gone.

Seems we mouth-breathin', gun-clingin' rednecks are all lined up to watch our moving pictures.

But there's plenty of Redacteds to rent.

I also have been working a lot, since I got promoted right before Christmas and right when the only other person who can do my job had back surgery. Oh well, a few more hours gives me a little more wealth for Obama to spread around.

Cynical today, eh?

Posted by: Sarah at 03:34 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 I got promoted right before Christmas Congratulations? Did I say the wrong thing? I don't want to anger a mouth-breathin', gun-clingin' redneck.

Posted by: Amritas at December 01, 2008 09:18 AM (+nV09)

2 We live to anger such people, to hear the last cries of the conservatives bemoaning the death of their Europpressive mythology. Rent Redacted. Of course it is whitewashed, but it is a necessary first step toward the truth. Perhaps by "Christmas" - a day no revolutionary needs - you will be ready for 이름 없는 영웅들. You will be mesmerized for twenty hours straight. The Dear Leader will be pleased.

Posted by: kevin at December 01, 2008 10:17 AM (+nV09)

3 I watched the first Terminator for the first time this last weekend. Then hubby and I rented that new-ish TV series, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and we've been watching it pretty much all weekend. It's not that good, but it was something. *shrug*

Posted by: Leofwende at December 01, 2008 12:18 PM (jAos7)

4 Leofwende, Now I don't feel so bad about having never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark. As for TV worth renting, I'd rather watch Sarah Tries to Grok. I look forward to the episode guest starring Ben Stein.

Posted by: Amritas at December 01, 2008 12:36 PM (+nV09)

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My husband's response to my post from earlier today: "People are going to be disappointed if they ever meet me." Heh.

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I participated in my very first National Ammo Day today! I headed to the range bright and early...and then realized that ranges don't open bright and early. But I was ready to go as soon as they opened. I bought my 100 rounds and then shot half of them. I am improving -- only a few stray shots, the majority of them clustered around the bullseye -- and I am a lot more relaxed about the whole process.

I talked to my mother today, and we decided to organize a family shooting day the next time I go home. Neither of my brothers has ever been shooting, and it's been decades since my parents have been. I think it will be a fun family outing.

And my mom just laughs that her daughter is now a gun nut.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:21 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 "Neither of my brothers has ever been shooting" Oh that's just wrong.

Posted by: tim at November 19, 2008 09:31 AM (nno0f)

2 Perhaps I shall have to take my youngest brother (the one who's studying sociology) to the range over Xmas. As far as I know, he's never been. Dad came with us once, my other bro has been with his friends, and my mom wouldn't want to, I'm pretty sure. We already bought a whole bunch of ammo at the gun show a couple weeks ago, so we probably won't be running out to buy any today after work. But it's a good thought!

Posted by: Leofwende at November 19, 2008 09:43 AM (jAos7)

3 I headed to the range bright and early...and then realized that ranges don't open bright and early. Awww. We can't all be like you! But we should try ...

Posted by: Amritas at November 19, 2008 10:20 AM (+nV09)

4 Neither of my brothers has ever been shooting, and it's been decades since my parents have been. This made me wonder: how many gun owners here come from families with traditions of owning guns and how many are pioneers (the first gun owners in their families)? Sarah's situation sounds like a blend of the two: she may be reviving a tradition that's been dormant for "decades."

Posted by: Amritas at November 19, 2008 03:37 PM (a1nQd)

5 My husband wants to know where he can do that in Illinois.

Posted by: Nicole at November 20, 2008 04:52 AM (xPxyx)

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Over the weekend, I told my fertility journey story at SpouseBUZZ Live. After the event, a handful of wives came to me and thanked me for sharing. They too have had difficult journeys and appreciated my candor. My friend from my real life was shocked; she had no idea that any of this had happened to me in the past six months. And typically, that's why I like sharing, because it's a private thing but people want to know that there's someone out there who groks. We've even had an audience memeber share her journey at a SBL who said she never even told her parents about her miscarriages. But she shared with me.

I wish it were always that simple and touching.

Instead, I also met two ladies who openly scoffed at my woes. They heard my entire story -- dead babies, failed fertility treatment -- and looked at me derisively and said that I just haven't been patient enough. Apparently I am just being silly in thinking that two years is a long time to try and that 31 is getting a late start. Nevermind the fact that they weren't that much older than me and their kids are teenagers. Wait, did I say "kids"? I meant their "whoopsies" pregnancies. Oh good golly, am I pregnant, how did that happen? Whoopsie! They got done telling me about their whoopsies and said that I am just impatient.

And I sat there and took it and then excused myself and left. Because I am polite.

I wish it were possible to type their tone of voice. I'm glad I had a witness to this conversation who assured me later that I wasn't overreacting.

People never cease to amaze me.

But I am trying very hard to be content with the people who were grateful I told my story, instead of dwelling on the naysayers. Guard Wife offered to throw hands for me, but I told her that it's really my problem and that I need to take a deep breath and not let it ruin my night. I kept reminding myself of this:

The first line of the most popular book in Buddhism, The Dhammapata, goes something like this: All that we are is determined by our thoughts. It begins where our thoughts begin, it moves where our thoughts move, it ends where our thoughts end. If we think thoughts like he hurt me, he stole from me, he is my enemy, our life and our destiny will follow that thought as the wheel follows the axle. And if we think thoughts like he cannot hurt me, only I can hurt myself, he cannot steal from me, he cannot be my enemy, only I can be my enemy, then our life and our destiny will follow those thoughts.

There will always be naysayers and boorish people. The only thing I can control is how I let it affect me.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:20 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 You know my offers are w/out expiration date so even when we're old and in rocking chairs & you need someone's larynx punched, just lean over and tell me & I'm on it. After this weekend, though, I know that I have so many 'alternative' methods of destruction...elbows, knees, feet...Ha-Ha!!

Posted by: Guard Wife at November 18, 2008 03:55 AM (eb8pN)

2 In my experience, it's always those who have it "easy" who judge those of us who have to work at being parents. Sad to say, but we spent much of our lives avoiding the "whoopsies." When I turned 30 and wanted a baby vs. telling my 15 yr. old to not have one. Selfish me. I'm proud of your grace. I would have probably handled it the same way because, for some asinine reason, I tend to not try and offend people I'm talking to, especially about sensitive issues. Bitches.

Posted by: Susan at November 18, 2008 06:10 AM (4aKG6)

3 I can't believe someone (two people!) actually said something so rude. Ugh. Some people deserve to be slapped. They don't know how lucky they are, both with their "whoopsies", and also that people like you (and me too) are too polite to give them the verbal backlash that they deserve for being so inconsiderate. Ugh.

Posted by: Leofwende at November 18, 2008 07:23 AM (jAos7)

4 It's often said that people who are insulting online would never say such horrible things in person. Even if that were generally true, sadly there is no shortage of people who can be cruel in real life. Who did these vicious women think they were? I would have lost it if I were you. People never cease to amaze me. They amaze us in good ways as well. I admire your ability to keep your cool when confronted with idiocy. And I am moved, both by the positive reaction from your audience and by the very real loyalty of your "imaginary" friends. I just found an online translation of the Dhammapada. Here's a word-for-word analysis of the passage you referred to. I was relieved to see that the original starts with Manopubbaṅgammā dhammā (mind-before-going [is] mental-phenomena) because I don't think that "All that we are is determined by our thoughts." "All that we think is determined by our thoughts" (my loose translation) is still too tautological for my taste, but closer to the truth. I used to believe in mind over matter (i.e., that one can be whatever one wants to be), but over the years I've come to recognize the importance of nature and nurture. Nonetheless, it is true that we determine what is in our minds, even if we can't determine "[a]ll that we are". We may not be able to control external stimuli, but we can choose to ignore some things and fixate on others to our detriment. Hence we often make ourselves suffer, and in such cases, only we can set ourselves free.

Posted by: Amritas at November 18, 2008 08:04 AM (+nV09)

5 I totally would've wanted to take Guard Wife up on her offer and then, while the "ladies" were gasping and recovering on the floor, advised them to "just be patient - you'll be able to breathe soon enough." But in reality, yeah, I would've done the same, non-confrontational thing... they're just so obviously not at that point where they have developed empathy yet. I'm glad that you know you were able to help others, though! :-) Sharing really does strengthen us all...

Posted by: kannie at November 18, 2008 08:13 AM (iT8dn)

6 I would pay to watch a martial arts movie in which Guard Wife lives up to her name. Imagine GW giving those two a paralyzing touch. "just be patient - you'll be able to breathe soon enough." Great line, kannie. they're just so obviously not at that point where they have developed empathy yet. The sad thing is ... they may never develop empathy. But Sarah won't let that get her down. She won't let the likes of them mess up her mind.

Posted by: Amritas at November 18, 2008 08:56 AM (+nV09)

7 That's just . . . mean! Argh. You did not overreact. People who feel they must tell you how to live your life are people who really ought to look at their own. Some of us have to WORK at fertility. Thankfully, we did not have the trouble you guys have had, but we had miscarriages and setbacks, too, and Ian is our little blessing from God. I'm glad you shared your story. Even though a couple people felt the need to judge your actions, more people were comforted by your positive attitude, optimism, and ability to relate. You are in my prayers!

Posted by: Deltasierra at November 18, 2008 09:03 AM (1TJiE)

8 You took the high ground on that one. Very classy, but, those of us who have come to know you a little through your blog would expect nothing else. You are a classy lady and gentle. Having said that, guard wife, there were two of 'em. I got your back girl, let me know when and where.

Posted by: Pamela at November 18, 2008 09:29 AM (T27wJ)

9 if i may be so bold as to add yet another of my brilliant words of wisdom (haha), when i told my boss that i had just returned to work from the doctor's office and that i learned that i had lost one of my twins, her response was, "oh, you must be so relieved!". I'll never forget it. someday i can share jim ross's theory of stupidity (or stupid people say the stupidest things), but suffice it to say, you are right: you can't control what other people do, only how you react. must be those good midwestern values that your wonderful mama and dad taught you

Posted by: kate at November 18, 2008 02:52 PM (576n8)

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AWTM was impatient for me to upload photos from this weekend. But I had to go to work today and to get ready to start decorating for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I know. I got all the Valentine's decorations and signs in, and they go up the day after Christmas. I died a little inside.

Anyway, here was the view out my hotel window.

And here's AWTM, who is mixing it up, and Guard Wife.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:21 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Man, I wish I could have been your roommate again! And AWTM is looking like a total June Cleaver, in a slightly um, not so innocent way!

Posted by: Calivalleygirl at November 18, 2008 03:50 AM (irIko)

2 You gals were great. Anytime any of you want to come back out this way, I'm there.

Posted by: Leofwende at November 18, 2008 12:46 PM (jAos7)

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Tonight I laughed so hard I think I won't have a voice tomorrow.
I love being here.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 I had a blast meeting all of you yesterday. It was great to put faces to names to blogs, etc., and all of you were just as cool as I had hoped. Yay for new friends.

Posted by: Leofwende at November 16, 2008 08:56 AM (cZoqf)

2 I think all that laughing was WAY better than doing crunches. I saw the "new haircut" video...OMG. I re-watched the D*uche Off. :0) So crazy...I do love being in the zone. Can't wait to see you again!!

Posted by: Guard Wife at November 16, 2008 05:50 PM (eb8pN)

3 I'm so happy I got to meet you!!!

Posted by: Deltasierra at November 17, 2008 09:08 PM (VRwBR)

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I published my previous post and pulled up my blog. Today's date hit me in the gut.

I hate this time of year.

Veterans' Day starts a series of horribly reflective days. And the agonizing part is that I never met any of the men that our post lost in Fallujah. I know what these days in November do to my heart; I can't fathom what they do to the families.

And the 13th is the worst day of all.

All I can say, four years hence, is that I will never forget.
And I will never stop telling Heidi that I haven't forgotten.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:09 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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My husband has been deployed for six months today.

In many ways, it has gone quickly. It has been easy. But I also want him to come home Right Now so we can enjoy our time together before he leaves again.

Six months ago, I was pregnant. It seems like an eternity ago. It seems like a dream instead of something that really happened. A year ago, I was at the BlogWorldExpo in Vegas. I was also pregnant then. That doesn't seem possible either.

We have a little over a month until my husband comes home. I have already watched all the Rambos and all the Die Hards. I'm gonna try to squeeze in all the Terminators before he gets home and makes me start watching movies for people with a brain.

And when he gets home, I finally get to read Liberal Fascism.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:44 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Last night I went to a Halloween party at my friend's house. One of her neighbors asked to see my weapon and asked if it was real and what kind it was. I told her I had borrowed it from a friend. I asked her if she shoots, and she said she used to be a cop.

As the night went on, another neighbor said that she thought my Halloween costume was really clever, especially since Sarah is my name too. She liked my hockey jersey with PALIN on the back.

And the first neighbor, she got this a-ha look on her face and said, "Ohhhh, you're in a costume. You seemed like such a nice girl; I couldn't figure out why you brought that gun to the party."

This lady thought that I just bring assault rifles to neighborhood get-togethers. I nearly peed my pants. She thought the glasses were real and she didn't catch on to the hockey mom concept, and she just thought that I was some nutball who carries an AR-15 to parties.

Good golly, it takes all kinds, don't it?

Posted by: Sarah at 07:13 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Some folks just don't get it and never will....I thought it was a cute costume. OTOH, my 11 yo wants me to get her a Sarah Palin pin or shirt to wear to school. I told her I couldn't find one. I don't want her to have to contend with obnoxious Obama supporters at such a young age and there a several in her school...sigh, I'll be glad when it's over.

Posted by: Pamela at November 01, 2008 07:53 AM (ZMhWA)

2 She liked my hockey jersey with PALIN on the back. The ability to make your own clothes sure comes in handy! She thought the glasses were real For a moment, I thought they were real, until I realized that wearing your old glasses might impair your improved vision. How are your eyes doing?

Posted by: Amritas at November 01, 2008 10:00 AM (+/Ct7)

3 It HAS to make you wonder if she's been to other neighborhood functions where it was normal to BYO-AR.

Posted by: Sis B at November 01, 2008 11:56 AM (U76K6)

4 I have been trying to comment ALL WEEKEND but it won't let me. First, Brian said to tell you he loves you even more after seeing your costume. Second, I think the neighbor at the party is a bit slow on the uptake, but then again, would YOU question a woman holding such hot heat??

Posted by: Guard Wife at November 01, 2008 06:24 PM (eb8pN)

5 you mean you do not carry around an AR 15 on a regular basis? Because ya always have one around when I am with your bad ass self

Posted by: awtm at November 01, 2008 08:05 PM (0ugVz)

6 Sweetie, keep the finger off the trigger. I am in the process of building my M4A4 right now, have everything but the stripped lower receiver... once that's in hand (sometime this week) It'll be range time--and I got a groovy EOtech sight for that, too. Still, it's much sexier when you hold it.

Posted by: Chuck at November 02, 2008 07:08 AM (q4psF)

7 Fun costume! Too bad the neighbor was clueless ;-) Then again, if I had one, I would be tempted to walk around the neighborhood with it.

Posted by: Barb at November 02, 2008 07:53 AM (T4MbB)

8 As a "hockey mom".. I love the costume! The AR-15 just makes it that much better!

Posted by: Household6 at November 02, 2008 03:31 PM (tpseV)

9 Your lack of common sense is astounding! You think an appropriate use of a weapon is as part of a costume? People like you give gun owners a bad name and should not be allowed to own firearms.

Posted by: FredO at November 03, 2008 09:32 AM (1C65h)

10 I'm not sure that carrying an AR-15 around as a standard accessory is such a bad idea. Seems perfectly reasonable to me. Might come in right handy -- tomorrow or the day after.

Posted by: JT at November 03, 2008 06:30 PM (sVcMp)

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In personal news, I have done all the normal fertility testing that they do. There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with my husband. But we still don't have a baby. Fantastic.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:07 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 I'm so sorry... it really stinks when the good news and the bad news are the same thing. *thoughts & prayers*

Posted by: kannie at October 30, 2008 10:47 AM (iT8dn)

2 Part of me is relieved, unless their assessment is wrong. Part of me is alternately puzzled and frustrated. But all of me is thinking of you.

Posted by: Amritas at October 30, 2008 10:52 AM (+nV09)

3 Do you watch mystery diagnosis? I saw something that made me think of you on it the other night. Are all blood tests normal. Anything??? Something is happening. After all that, I just turned 72 last weekend so I can't remember what the diagnosis was!! Something about mysterious blood clots shutting off supply to the uterus. I am in the market for a birthday Yorkie now, to replace our almost 16 Yorkie girl we lost a year ago. I am still sure you will become a mother!

Posted by: Ruth H at October 30, 2008 01:19 PM (FAgoX)

4 Will they refer you to a specialist specialist? I'm not sure what kind of fertility doctors you're seeing but sometimes the frontline testing isn't enough to diagnose what's what. Their technical name for it? "Unexplained infertility" Lovely, right? It's like, I was under the impression that the DOCTOR would be able to explain this all...sheesh. I'm sorry. Like someone else says it sucks when the good news and the bad news are the same thing. I have my annual appt. with my OB/GYN soon. I'll ask him some questions...it will take my mind off him conducting his business on my business.

Posted by: Guard Wife at October 30, 2008 02:55 PM (eb8pN)

5 Sorry to hear the bummer news. Hang in there - I'll keep you both in my prayers. You'll have a baby soon!

Posted by: BigD78 at October 30, 2008 04:56 PM (PsV2e)

6 I hate to say that I feel sorry that your tests came back normal, but this is one of those cases where normal sucks. Wrong means something they can try to fix. I wish I had something to suggest but we kind of exhausted all the testing they could think of, too, and got nothing. Just focus on the fact that if they haven't found anything wrong, then nothing's wrong--meaning that things might go right just as easily. but in the meantime, exhaust the doctors. Make them run even the weird tests, and the things that they've ruled out but because you don't seem to fit the parameters....

Posted by: Ann M. at October 31, 2008 06:59 AM (HFUBt)

7 Get a dog and devote all your attention to it. (If you have one already, rinse, and repeat.) Once it's certain that it's human and its position in the family is unshakable, you'll have a baby. It never fails. Seriously though, I'll be praying for you.

Posted by: steven at November 02, 2008 01:46 AM (B+qrE)

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