December 12, 2008


There's another thing that happens when my husband gets home: we have to get back in the business of babymaking. Frankly, I am dreading it.

My cousin is pregnant. When my mom told me, she said, "I know it will happen for you too someday." And I felt this flash of anger and snapped at her. Because she doesn't know that, no one can know that, and it feels like a lie when I hear it. It angers me up because I know it's simply not true.

I don't have any hope that we will get pregnant. I have lost all ability to think about the future. This time last year, when we were reeling from the first miscarriage, I comforted myself with the thought that we could end 2008 with a baby. Not even remotely close. I just don't allow myself to imagine what will happen in 2009. And how on earth is it already almost 2009?

I feel like I have been frozen in time for two years, watching everyone else's life keep moving on. We have no more goals to work towards besides having this stupid baby. Before we got pregnant, we wanted to move back to the US, save x dollars, and finish my husband's MBA; we reached those goals a long time ago. We have lived in this house for two years now, and it feels like I have no idea what we have done in that time. I can't believe it. I feel like my life has made no progress since we started trying to have a baby. That was the next step, and we just can't seem to get there.

And I just want it to be over. I joked the other day that it's like in action movies when someone gets shot and they still keep trying to fight back. I feel like I keep getting shot, but I'm the Good Guy, so I have to press on to save the day and ignore the fact that I keep getting shot. And I feel like I'm limping and dragging my way to some imaginary finish line where I kiss the girl and finally get to go to the hospital...and then finally I can breathe a sigh of relief and say "it's over" while the credits roll. Only I never get there. It's never over. That's part of the reason why 'giving up' is so tempting, because then it might feel like my life can start rolling again. If I stop letting myself get shot, I will stop feeling like I've been wounded.

I have managed to block a lot of this out while my husband has been gone, but his imminent return is has shown me that I really don't want to think about it.

I don't want to start trying to have a baby again.

Darla has been doing this for seven years. She is amazing. And I know it doesn't work this way, but I would choose for her to get pregnant first if I could.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:50 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Well, with an attitude like that young ladyÂ…just kidding. I think IÂ’ve spent enough time here to know you donÂ’t literally mean some of what you said. DonÂ’t give up, (I know easy for me to say) we need people like you to procreateÂ… a lot. My useless 2 cents, (hey, what else am I here for) youÂ’ll probably get prego as soon as you stop stressing about it and within a couple days of your husband coming home. If not, the practice will be worth it. Besides all that, there should not be ANYTHING in the way of the joy of having your husband home from where heÂ’s been. There are many wives, girlfriends and widows who would gladly change cirmistances with you. I KNOW you know that but it seems it needs repeating. Lastly, I hope he doesnÂ’t read this post, I can only imagine what that would feel like, for many different reasons. But speaking as a guy thereÂ’s probably ONE thing, the one thing heÂ’s thought ofÂ…oh, a couple hundred times a day, on the very top of his list he wants to do first thing when he gets home and to have that spoiledÂ…(*cring*)

Posted by: tim at December 12, 2008 11:02 AM (nno0f)

2 How frustrating - wish there was anything that I could say beyond "I'm sorry", since that really doesn't help. I tried so hard not to get pregnant for years, and then when we decided to stop any form of birth control ... nothing happened. We obviously waited too long (I was 37), and since then I've decided it was better, for us, that our lives worked out that way. But I don't wish that for you, dang it! *sigh*

Posted by: Barb at December 12, 2008 12:02 PM (iaV9O)

3 I know what you mean, about feeling frozen in time, but for different reasons. I moved back to Texas 4 years ago this month. Decided to go back to school and become a teacher. Well, it's been 2 years now since I graduated with my M.Ed., and I still have no teaching job. There are things I didn't do or pursue because I thought "well, I don't know where I'll be once I get that teaching job". Now, I despair of ever finding one, feeling like I have wasted the last three and a half years of my life, getting to a point where I can't wait any longer for a teaching job, that I'll have to get a "real" job that will give me benefits, but that would mean I would likely never ever teach in my own classroom. And, while I've been doing this waiting, I felt reticent about trying to pursue a social life to find local friends, and what would be even better, a significant other. And, I keep being told by my (much) younger sisters (who pretty much still have their entire lives in front of them) that I'm too negative. And, re: a significant other, I keep being told "it will happen for you too someday", too, all prior experiences in the matter to the contrary. Nobody else seems to truly understand what I feel, in regard to both my professional and personal situations. As for your pending reunion with your husband, try not to stress about the baby thing, and just revel in the fact that he is back home with you.

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at December 12, 2008 01:24 PM (zoxao)

4 Sarah -- Adoption is a wonderful thing. Having "one of each," I know. Let your bitterness & anger go, and apply everywhere you can to give a loving home to a precious little soul who won't otherwise have what you can give. Don't get discouraged by all the turn-downs. The right one can come through for you. Especially reach out to Methodist Mission Home in San Antonio. They are fond of military parents.

Posted by: KansasNana at December 12, 2008 05:40 PM (O2Zo/)

5 I don't know if this will help, but your reaction to your mom is normal. I said the same thing your mom said to you to my sister when she was dealing with infertility. I was thinking I was being positive and encouraging. She looked at me and said, "Right, like you, who got preggo the first month you 'tried' BOTH times has ANY right to say a word to me!!" I was shocked that she yelled that at me, but once I apologized and she calmed down she explained to me that those things are NOT helpful and the best way to be encouraging is to listen to her bitch and then say "that sucks" and that's it. So, that's what I did. I also went out and got a book on infertility with a chapter for the relatives and close friends of those dealing with it. Eye. Opening. Everything that chapter said NOT to do, I was doing thinking I was being helpful. I read the chapter and came away with some good ways to be helpful that wouldn't make my sister feel worse. Sorry that got long. So, all I will say to end this long comment is "That sucks!"

Posted by: TracyS at December 12, 2008 07:10 PM (gNojb)

6 Sarah, Having walked a mile in your shoes, I do understand how you feel. While undergoing fertility treatments for the umpteenth time I gained weight and one of my uncles asked me if I was finally pregnant I felt like throwing something at him. My mother commented once that maybe it was better if I didn't try any more. I got pregnant, it was ectopic, had to have surgery. My youngest sister was pregnant and had her baby about 3 weeks after my surgery. Tried a few more rounds of treatments, I was angry, depressed, and darn near crazy. My wonderful husband and I nearly separated for a while because our whole existence was about our failure. The whole damned world was pregnant. Everywhere there were people having babies who didn't even bother taking care of them. And here we were aching to hold our child, but, couldn't have one. It sucked. And then one day.....

Posted by: Pamela at December 12, 2008 08:38 PM (zfLfJ)

7 there came into our lives a beautiful little blond haired blue eyed angel who wrapped her tiny hands around our hearts and refused to let go. Later still Anna came into our lives. Lori is 24 and Anna is 12 (Lord just give me the strength to go through puberty one more time). By the time Lori was 4 years old my mother was calling her Junior, because she acts so much like my husband. My family also say Anna is just like me, stubborn and determined to do things her own way. Lori has been married a couple of years and 2 weeks ago gave birth to our first grandchild, Isabella. I was in the delivery room with my daughter and son-in-law and I got to cut the cord. I love my daughters and granddaughter with every fiber of my heart. The anger, bitterness and depression began melting away the first time I looked into my babies beautiful eyes and those hurts have been healed many years. We got Lori when she was 6 weeks old and we got Anna when she was 10 months old and I don't think I could love them any more if i had given birth to them. I thank God daily for them. God bless you and your husband as you continue your efforts to build your family. PS..the first two weeks after your husband gets home, just have "fun". When the baby making starts "it" becomes a chore. PSS...Yes, this really, really sucks, but,try to find the funny in this situation. If you can keep a sense of humor you can deal with anything.

Posted by: Pamela at December 12, 2008 09:35 PM (zfLfJ)

8 Sarah, If you aren't looking forward to making a baby, then you're doing it wrong. You sound a lot like I did with physical therapy--every setback, every surgery meant more weeks/months of pain, starting over from square one, etc. I get that. The difference is you don't have transdermal narcotics and a support network of friends and family who won't let you quit. (That'd be pretty weird, too.) Now, on the bright side of things, Your husbands' swimmers will be much more aggressive when he returns home. Physiologically, it's a genetic means of making sure he (the dominant male) propagates his dna with his mate. Goes back to when we swung from vines or something. The swimmers are so aggressive they even attack any other swimmers they find (not that they will, but still.) I saw it on TV, so you know it's true, too. The guy who said it on TV even had a British accent, which automatically raised his IQ by 24 points. The only sure-fire way to get pregnant is to be 16, unwed, live in a trailer, and have unprotected sex exactly one time. Wanna borrow my two kids for a month this summer to see just what you are getting into? (sorry, snark slipped back in.) I would agree with the previous commenter not to forgo adoption as an option. I realize you aren't rich like madonna and can just go buy a baby, but there are plenty here at home. My best friend growing up (and someone who shares--almost exactly--my sense of humor--scary) was adopted, and I know several Officers who've adopted as well. I promise you this, however. I won't try to comfort you through this, I won't make excuses or begin to grok what you are going through with this, because I simply have no reference frame. But I will be your friend (imaginary though I may be) and a willing ear to bend when you don't want to burden your husband--or add any stress. I have no answers, only patience and concern. Plus, I'm a helluva pole dancer. --Chuck

Posted by: Chuck at December 12, 2008 09:55 PM (q4psF)

9 Sarah, It's different for you and your husband because you are trying to do this around his deployment and school schedules for this upcoming year. The pressure will be on. This just sucks.

Posted by: Mare at December 13, 2008 04:30 AM (APbbU)

10 Girl you know I feel your pain and frustration. That endless pacing in circles thinking what's next? That struggle between wanting to adopt and KNOW that you just don't have the extra to give amongst the evil monthly fertility cycle of 'why can't my body cave in after we ditch the meds and possibly produce one successful baby!?!' I love the support and hate it. I have a husband that rides that roller coaster while struggling to shoulder the unending pressure of the military's sometimes silly and sometimes expectations. You hit the nail right on the head! Chin up my friend. That man of yours wants you for hot body and poorly Lasik'd eyes and baby or not still wants to support you. Honesty reminds him that you are fragile and it's not always a simple thing to continually cope and mourn through. It's not the end of the world. Maybe first deal with the reintegration, talk with him, than see if you want to give it one last hurrah before chucking in the towel. I know sometimes that's all you can do. Always thinking of you and glad I stumbled into your blog so long ago!!

Posted by: Darla at December 13, 2008 04:49 AM (UcAbT)

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