Quick update...

I realized that I couldn't wait until Monday morning, because in order to be ready for the procedure on Tuesday, I have to give myself that trigger shot Sunday night. So I had to find out if the procedure was still a go-flight.

Luckily, my neighbor is friends with my fertility doctor's wife. She called their house and got me permission to call the doctor today. Otherwise I have no idea what I would've done.

He listened and said that it probably is just the hormone levels tricking my endometrium into doing goofy things. He said that as long as the bleeding is letting up, and it has, then we are still on track.

So whew.

Hindsight sucks. I wish I'd gotten a good night's sleep last night instead.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:07 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 I'm glad your neighbor and doctor came through for you after the ER failed. A triumph of people over impersonal institutions. I hope that the track to Tuesday gets smoother from here ... and that you can make up for the rest you lost, though I doubt that's easy. You must be counting down the hours. I'll be crossing my fingers.

Posted by: Amritas at January 31, 2009 10:48 AM (y3aIN)

2 You'll sleep better tonight. I'm glad your neighbor has connections and that you're keeping us posted.

Posted by: Guard Wife at January 31, 2009 11:18 AM (IADCv)

3 Ugh. What a PITA. Hormones are of the devil. Here's hoping that your body is just giddy with anticipation for the procedure and this was it's way of showing it's excitement.

Posted by: HomefrontSix at January 31, 2009 12:41 PM (RlqpK)

4 I'm glad to hear you are hanging in there and that you got to talk to your doctor.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at January 31, 2009 04:05 PM (FoD6b)

5 I'm glad everything is still on track! That sort of crap used to stress me out like nothing else... everything is so time sensitive when it comes to treatment. I'll be thinking about you, good luck!

Posted by: dutchgirl at February 01, 2009 10:09 AM (Sj3hy)

6 Glad to hear things are still a go! You're in our thoughts prayers! :-)

Posted by: kannie at February 01, 2009 03:55 PM (iT8dn)

7 Praying... crossing fingers... sending positive thoughts your way! *hugs*

Posted by: FbL at February 01, 2009 04:20 PM (HwqvF)

8 thinking of you, wishing you luck and serenity.

Posted by: Kate at February 02, 2009 10:36 AM (JIGe1)

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Some days just beg to be blogged about. They have Palahniuk's "paperback potential." But other days are just too much to even form a coherent story.

Yesterday was the perfect storm of awful. In bed last night, the husband and I rated it as one of our three all-time worst days of our marriage. And by "in bed last night," I mean this morning, because we didn't get into bed until after 5 AM.

We started our day Friday at 5 AM with a trip to the fertility clinic. Everything looked good for a procedure next week. And then all sorts of little things started going wrong during our day, things barely worth mentioning save the fact that they all happened in a row: had to buy a new printer, knocked over a can of coke on the sofa and my knitting project, the garbage disposal broke, etc. We kept describing our day like this: Life FAIL. We just wanted the day to be over.

But around dinnertime, I started bleeding...and there's no earthly reason why I should be bleeding today. It was enough to make me nervous, and since it was a Friday night and I wouldn't be able to reach my doctor or nurse until Monday, we decided we'd better head to the ER. Luckily we ate dinner first, because we had no idea what we were in for.

I expected to be there until midnight. I didn't expect to be there until 4:30 AM. During that time, I had less than ten minutes of actual medical care -- take blood pressure, ask about my symptoms, quick pelvic exam -- and was eventually told...drumroll..."Geez, I don't know anything about fertility stuff, so just call your doctor Monday morning."

When we walked in the house to finally go to sleep, my husband's watch alarm went off. It had woken us up at 5 AM that morning to start our day, and he wryly announced it was ending our day as well.

Thanks to everyone who noted my offhanded Facebook status and checked on me. I am fine, apparently, even though I am still bleeding and don't know why or what this means.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:52 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I case you were sitting on the edge of your chair in anticipation (snort), I did go ahead and resign from my job. I will not be staying on in a more generic capacity; I will finish out the remaining three weeks of this job and then say my goodbyes.

With karmic timing, more foam houses arrived this week, so I will be making Easter-themed castles. But I plan to smile while I do it, because I have gotten darned good at it. I am a quick-draw with that glue gun these days. It will be my last hurrah there at the store.

And as much as I hated that foam when I first started, I think I will miss it, in a small way.

Not enough to buy one though.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:37 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Do you realize how painful it was to try to sleep on the edge of my chair last night? Unlike Allah, you are so unmerciful. My behind hurts. You think I'm going to let you get away with this? Most certainly not! I need a lawyer! Guaaard Wife! I am a quick-draw with that glue gun these days. I envision you in a cowgirl outfit, spinning a glue gun in one hand and a bullet gun in the other. It will be my last hurrah there at the store. Have a fun, foam-filled finale!

Posted by: Amritas at January 28, 2009 12:58 PM (y3aIN)

2 I think this is just opening you up for some bigger, better opportunity as yet unknown ;-)

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at January 28, 2009 02:21 PM (zoxao)

3 I'm glad there has been some resolution, although I would encourage you to remain glue gun qualified. You never know when that type of skill will be necessary and if you can wield one with great accuracy, you are ahead of the game. I'm sorry that this did not work out the way it should have, but I'm glad that I'm now officially the most unfortunate person job-wise. It makes for good cocktail party conversation...if I could afford cocktails...or a party.

Posted by: Guard Wife at January 28, 2009 05:32 PM (IADCv)

4 Take the pieces of one to the shooting range and blow them to little pieces :-)

Posted by: Barb at January 29, 2009 08:15 PM (p+dnl)

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I wrote at SpouseBUZZ about how we've been spending our block leave. One nice thing about just being at home is that we can be so lazy. We've been waking up and then spending about another hour or so talking and loafing in bed. It has been nice to be able to do that.

And we know it and keep talking about it in a meta-knowledge way.

I have been trying harder to live in the now, to live my real life and not the parallel one. We have been trying to find the good in not having a baby, and lazing around in bed until 9 AM is a definite start. We keep reminding each other that we can't do that anymore once we have kids, so we should enjoy it while we can. We are trying to be happier about not having a baby and focusing on the silver lining.

Another mental change I need to make is about my health. For two years, I have stressed out about what I was eating and drinking, in case it would have either a positive or negative effect on fertility. I have made myself sick with this cycle of guilt about having a glass of wine, etc. No more. I can't keep living this way, where I am freaked out that every little thing I do might injure this baby that doesn't even exist yet.

I also have put off diving into an exercise regime because you're not supposed to drastically change your exercise habits upon becoming pregnant. I never wanted to go to the gym because, what was the point?: If I got into a good habit of going to the gym for two weeks, I might get pregnant and quit going anyway. So I never had the motivation to start something that I imagined myself quitting. And two years later, I am just mad that I have been living my life in two-week intervals. So I'm going to start exercising, and we'll deal with baby if/when it happens.

We're hardening our hearts a little, mentally preparing ourselves for not having a baby, which is a hard thing to do when you also have appointments for fertility treatments. But I have hated the way we've been living for the past two years, so it's not like it can get any worse.

So we're enjoying doing whatever the heck we want with our time while our time is still ours.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:03 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Enjoy more goat-cheese lasanaga!!! Hmmmmm.

Posted by: BigD78 at January 27, 2009 08:35 AM (W3XUk)

2 Your husband can't get his mind off work. Neither can I. Ever, and I don't even have his level of responsibility. I don't understand how anyone can truly get away from their work. Perhaps it's because they consider their work to be a separate, detachable entity rather than a part of them. I realize it's not fun at times, but I appreciate your husband's dedication, and I don't think you'd really want him any other way. Besides, it's not as if he is working full time unpaid during block leave. Now that'd be going way too far! The childless life certainly has its advantages! I wonder if you have been obsessing over your eating and drinking because that is something you can control - in an attempt to compensate for that which you cannot control. Are exercise regimes and gyms necessary to maintain fitness that once was integral to a farming lifestyle? The sedentary, urban phase of human history is but a blip.

Posted by: Amritas at January 27, 2009 08:36 AM (+nV09)

3 This sounds very wise, imho. As they say, life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Even when focused on achieving/attaining something big and worthwhile, life is still happening in the little things... I remember how I had to throw myself 100% into a ridiculous schedule in order to achieve my educational dreams for awhile. And I was amazed as I later looked back and realized the ways in which the necessary tunnel vision on a very worthwhile goal had somewhat inhibited my experiences and personal growth in other areas during that time. As I've also heard: Life is what happens when you're not paying attention... *happy hugs*

Posted by: FbL at January 27, 2009 12:28 PM (HwqvF)

4 Your comment section hates me. This more relaxed outlook, taking things as they come and doing what you want to do with your life as it is right now rather than as it might be if only sounds like a healthy change. Enjoy having your husband home while he is. Mine leaves in a week or so for a month, then maybe 2 more months, then home for 3 (if I'm lucky), and then gone for a year. *Sigh*. Woohoo for pre-deployment craziness.

Posted by: Leofwende at January 27, 2009 01:20 PM (jAos7)

5 Your comment section hates me too. I've been trying to comment for weeks, now, unsuccessfully. We'll see if it works this time. I know that nothing I (a complete stranger) say can really make things better. But I also know that I hate it when I put up a post about something hard and then it sits there with no comments ever. So what I've been trying to say is: I am out here reading. And I'm sorry that things are painful. I'm glad the block leave is good.

Posted by: Lucy at January 27, 2009 05:16 PM (HGFog)

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Professor: Well, it looks like I'll need my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely reduced pay, of course
Fry: What about me? Can I come back at severely reduced pay?
Hermes: You got it, mon. In fact, severely reduced pay all around!

That Futurama quote has been running through my head all day.

So Obama becomes president, and I lose my job. Causation or correlation?

Seriously, I just found out today that my job has disappeared. I can stay on as a regular associate, at severely reduced pay, if I so choose. Try this on for size: do all the same work you've been doing, for a dollar less per hour.

I'm sure it's For The Greater Good.

Oy.

Must decide by tomorrow.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:51 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 That is lame. Sorry you have to make this decision.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at January 26, 2009 11:00 AM (dlioN)

2 Here we go again ... What a way to start your week! I am so sorry to hear this. To foam or not to foam? A certain slogan from the Reagan era comes to mind.

Posted by: Amritas at January 26, 2009 11:01 AM (+nV09)

3 That sucks! Sorry to hear that. Trust me I know how it goes. Maybe a little hopenchange stimulus can come your way instead of those who don't want to work for a living I'd put in a good word for you but something tells me I'm not on any VIP lists with the new administration. Just a hunch. Today does seem like a bummer - I found out I paid $14,000 in taxes (so far) and I'm sure I'll have to pay more once I file my tax return. So it'll probably end up being more like $15 - $20k. All of which I will not see any returned investment on from my govt. Suuuuper! Can you imagine what that return would be if I could have kept that money and invested it on my own? What if I were a business and could have reinvested that into my business/company instead of collecting it from employees to give to the govt. I might be able to help someone keep their job or even better get a raise for doing a job well done. Imagine the possibilities for our economy! I know I should hush it up. We're now under a regime that wants an education system that rewards children for mediocre behavior but punishes business for positive growth. Faaaaaaaaaaabulous!

Posted by: BigD78 at January 26, 2009 12:34 PM (W3XUk)

4 So sorry sweetie. But, remember, it's all about the hopey, changey thingey!!! Will this qualify you for an economic stimulus package?

Posted by: Pamela at January 26, 2009 12:52 PM (vN/8b)

5 My vote is tell them no thanks... You have enough to keep you busy, and frankly could make more money crocheting or knitting for others, or teaching classes at some MWR center...on post, think about it... you could open your own how to knit shop..

Posted by: AWTM at January 26, 2009 01:49 PM (l1Qbp)

6 AWTM is awesome. Why fool around with foam when knitting is your mission? More focus, more money. You've been a part of capitalism; now it's time to be a capitalist! But every day since we've come a little bit closer to our goal of being fat, rich, white Republicans. - Queen Leaina Get even closer. You have the skills, and you will soon have the time.

Posted by: Amritas at January 26, 2009 02:04 PM (y3aIN)

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It's been two years since we started trying to have a baby.

No two journeys are exactly the same, but I have been fortunate to know several different ladies who each understand one piece of the crazy pie.

A girl I know here in town, she understands the obsession. She was a charter and a planner. Though it only took her a few months to get pregnant, she remembers vividly the obsession with the science aspect. Like me, she never stopped picking up her charts and comparing month to month. She knows the agony of knowledge and the grief of searching for some medical indicator of why things don't seem to be working.

Another person from my Real Life understands the bitterness. She is mad, mad that she grew up, finished school, got married, got a good job, planned and saved, and now is stuck frozen in time, just like I am. She also hates her high school health teacher for saying that Man + Woman = Baby, because for some of us, it just simply doesn't. She is the only person I know who is as bitter about her lot in life as I am.

I am eternally grateful to know Darla, who like me counts the chickens far before they're hatched. Every month I too check the due date calendars online and plan for a baby nine months later. She and I remain hopeful to a fault, because the overwhelming evidence in our faces should make us slit our wrists rather than start picking out names. But we do it anyway, torturing ourselves with hope. I am glad to know Darla can still do that after seven years, because I have felt crazy for doing it for two.

And on the flip side, my best friend from high school understands the despair. She understands those days when you wallow and feel like it will never happen. Because although she eventually went on to have children, she never fully recovered from the emotional damage the journey took on her. She never gives me any platitudes, never tries to cheer me up, never tells me that things will work out. She keenly remembers the despair, and she too is a bruised orange.

And this Army Wife, whom I recently discovered because of The Worst Possible Thing, understands feeling like a biological failure. When the majority of people on this planet can and do reproduce, and you slowly realize that you can't, it is a severe blow. I feel like we have lesser genes, that we are faulty, that we are not the fittest and thus shouldn't survive. I've never heard anyone else even mention how not getting pregnant or miscarrying feels like a personal biological failure. Reading that on her blog made me finally feel normal about that one piece of the crazy pie.

These women help me realize I am not alone and I am not insane. I am so grateful to each of them for what they have taught me along the way.

Two years.

Damn.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:27 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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We woke up to our first real snow in three years.
Charlie loves it, just like he did as a puppy.

We're getting smiles where we can today.

Also, people in the South can NOT drive in snow. I was laughing with my husband that I took my driving test at 16 in more snow than we have today.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:40 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Could life get any more annoying right now? First annoyance: We noticed that we weren't getting any mail delivered. Not even a piece of junk mail for over a week. I called yesterday, and someone had gone online and put a hold on our mail for a month. Thanks a heap. Then this morning, Ticketmaster calls and says that someone fraudulently charged NY Knicks tickets to our credit card. Fantastic. Maybe tomorrow someone could slash my tires.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:02 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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My husband and I have been torturing ourselves with alternate reality a little lately. Our due date is coming up this week, which just underscores how perfectly timed that baby was. I got pregnant right before he deployed, and he would've returned with a little over a month before I gave birth. And the birth would've happened right during block leave. It saddens us to think how perfectly that would've worked out.

Another wife in the unit got pregnant right at the same time I did. She is due any day now. I also hate that I keep getting hit with these Comparison Babies. Sometimes I look at CaliValleyBaby and think that my own first baby would be teething and scooting around these days too. And now I will have to look at this new baby in our unit and be reminded of the progress that our second baby isn't here to make.

Some days I am hopeful that this will work for us. Other days I think that, with our track record, we have little chance for success with only five times to try before the husband deploys again.

My New Year's resolution ought to have been to stop being Dante Hicks.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:08 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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OK, so it's not just the dog who's bummed.

I think it was too soon to send my husband away again. I cannot remember a night during deployment when I felt as lonely and depressed as I do tonight. I have been on the verge of tears all afternoon.

But all these pants stories helped.

Is it bedtime yet? Heck, is it Sunday yet?

Posted by: Sarah at 01:45 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I called my husband last night a few minutes after midnight and said, "It's 2009 here; what year is it where you are?" He said, "2008. Are you calling me from the future?" It cracked me up.

I spent the evening with a friend, which was fun. I am home alone now, and it's surprising how normal it feels. Almost like my husband was never here. This is just how I lived for so long that it feels normal.

I think the dog is depressed though.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:09 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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