Charlie thinks that you should read this article about the oppression of his people: Why Do Palestinians Get Much More Attention than Tibetans?

He also thinks the Tibetan people could learn from the Tibetan terriers, such as how to hide.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:13 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Knitters watch a lot of TV. And since I've been cranking out baby gifts and scarves for my mama and squares for HCC, I watch a lot of TV during the day. Oh hooey, I won't even blame it on the knitting; I like watching TV. And I try to watch interesting things on the National Geographic channel, but they take more concentration than reruns of cop dramas, and I need that concentration for the knitting.

But I've discovered a funny side-effect of all this TV: I am starting to dream about TV characters as if they're people in my life, or as if I'm in an episode of their show. About a week ago, I dreamt about Calleigh Duquesne and Eric Delko. I just thought it was funny when I woke up. But two days later, I was solving a murder with Goren and Eames. The next night, I hung out with Wash from Firefly, and then last night I was a high schooler sitting next to Sam Weir. It's starting to creep me out.

I am turning into Mike TV.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:31 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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As I was leaving my house tonight to have dinner with friends, I noticed a dog wandering on my street. I started to drive away since I was already a few minutes late, but I changed my mind and called the dog over to me. He had tags, but nothing that indicated where he belonged.

(Incidentally, what is up with that? We get dogs roaming our neighborhood all the time, and none of them ever have a tag with their address or phone number on it. What is wrong with people?)

He did have a tag noting that he was chipped, with a 1-800 number. I took him home -- he followed quite willingly -- and called the people. They tracked him down and called the owners; no answer. They left a message saying I had their dog and to call me. I left this dog in our backyard while I went to dinner.

I should've remembered Mare's warning. He was a beautiful husky mix, just so handsome. He also apparently had the husky's digging fetish. I got home from dinner and he was gone, leaving me with a major hole under the fence. Now I know how he disappeared from his owner's house.

I hope he's OK and found his way home.
I'm kind of sad; Charlie wanted to keep him.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:49 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Must...stop...fingers from typing.

Stop talking about not having a baby.

Just stop.

No one wants to hear it. No one cares. I mean, they do care, but they don't need to hear about it every day.

Just talk about something else. What's Obama doing? Talk about that guy who died and came back to life. Something, anything else.

But all I can do is sit here and think about how it wasn't supposed to be like this. Having a baby was supposed to be happy, fun, natural. I never envisioned this for myself.

Oh lord, I'm Dante Hicks.

Just, bleh. Talk about something else. Don't write about this anymore. The more you write about it, the more people comment and send you emails, which means the more you think about it, which means the more depressed you get.

Duh. Stop it.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:46 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 *hugs* I left something for you over on my blog. The SPAM filters aren't letting it through, though.

Posted by: Stephanie at March 25, 2008 10:35 AM (kzbE/)

2 "Oh lord, I'm Dante Hicks." Without the facial furniture and pants tucked in the boots, naturally. Nice to know that the hometown heroes are all worried about the same things. All my best. And, oh yeah - what's up slut? (think we'll be explaining that one to everyone else also?) I'm hoping for you. - trr

Posted by: Sarah's pinko commie friend at March 25, 2008 10:53 AM (c0h9C)

3 Meh, could be worse. No one could send you emails or comments. How 'bout a Charlie update? Cute dogs fix everything. Serioulsy? What do you think about Hilary 'mis-speaking' about Bosnia?

Posted by: Mare at March 25, 2008 11:02 AM (EI19G)

4 Howzabout we talk about my musings over my dog's orientation? The way he pined about Charlie leaving, I have my suspicions... That would explain his fastidiousness and penchant for velvet dog beds, though.

Posted by: airforcewife at March 25, 2008 11:30 AM (mIbWn)

5 I wouldn't call your posts about trying to conceive 'entertaining' but I am totally mesmerized by the window into your life and feelings. I know how you feel! Three years and three miscarriages fucking sucked and I really didn't overly blog about it but now wish that I had. And I, too, thought that it was getting too obsessive..... But your feelings and experiences are so true. It is a human suffering, my friend suffering, and when I read about how you're doing and not about stupid Hillary or slippery Obama, I am relieved. Talk about overkill! Obsessive? Yeah, but I am, too, and so are probably most of your loyal friends and readers! I have full faith that whatever road you are led/forced down, you will not only make the best of it, but by sharing, help others who are feeling exactly as you are but don't know how to say it. And now that I am personally out of that shit-storm, I can't give good advice.... Except to keep on truckin! I would tell my husband on the 'lottery nights' to "make a deposit" for me to sleep on. It worked eventually, but damn if I hadn't given up hope that last time.... "Do it if you want to, but I'll be watching Craig Ferguson." How much is too much? You'll know when you get there....

Posted by: Allison at March 25, 2008 07:28 PM (2PnS2)

6 Allison makes some excellent points. I've never been through the experience but have watched it really really suck for a lot of my friends. Write about it, don't write about it. Do whatever you feel you need to do to get through it. We're here because we like hearing what you have to say. Having friends gets you through some of the crappiest times in life.

Posted by: Mare at March 26, 2008 04:58 AM (EI19G)

7 If writing about it helps, then do it. Write it here, or put it down on paper. There's always the satisfaction of the 'delete' button when you're finished, or you can set it on fire or tear it to shreds when you are done. If posting helps, then do it. Don't worry about what the rest of us want to read. If you want/need our support, we'll always be here to provide it. No matter what the topic.

Posted by: Ann M. at March 26, 2008 08:19 AM (HFUBt)

8 Sarah - I agree with the others. Sometimes it just feels better to write it out. This is your blog. Write if you want to. I dont even know you but I will keep reading. I will keep hoping that your dreams come true & that where ever the road leads, there will still be happiness. Take care -

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Posted by: mysekstv at April 14, 2008 02:41 PM (4ypBx)

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LauraB asks a pertinent question in the comments section:

So for those people who cannot/have not/may never conceive - isn't there a point at which you just have to surrender to it and live your lives together even if it is childless?

I have thought a lot about this too over the past year.

Look, I am an obsessive type person. I think that if you're going to do something, you do it wholeheartedly. So when we weren't quite ready for children, we were actively preventing the possibility. Every single time, no exceptions, for many years. So when we decided it was time for a family, it just wasn't in our nature to take the whatever-happens-happens approach. I am an all-or-nothing gal; I immediately started maximizing chances for baby to happen. I read books, websites, sought tips, everything. I began charting immediately. It was the exact opposite of the diligence with which we had previously prevented pregnancy.

My ultimate fear isn't necessarily that we might not be able to have kids. It's that I might not be able to "switch off" this diligence. We are trying to have a baby; at what point do we give up? When do you give up hope? Because, really, it's the hope that kills you. It's the hope, every month, that you might've gotten what you wanted.

If a doctor told me tomorrow that I would never have kids, that there was no chance of it happening, I could mourn and then move on. And I would recover and go on to lead a happy and normal life. Because I wouldn't be trying anymore.

And I was never one of those women who loves babies or wanted to be a kindergarten teacher her whole life. This may sound terrible, but there's a part of me that's ready to throw in the towel because the more elusive it gets, the less important it feels. The less emotional it feels. I think human beings ought to procreate, and I think that people with stable, loving homes like ours are a good place for kids. (And Mark Steyn makes me think I need to have ten of them, to shore up our numbers.) I was always fairly matter-of-fact about having a baby anyway, and this year of over-thinking it hasn't helped any. My husband re-convinces me every day to keep trying, because I'd love to abandon hope and forget about it.

It's the trying, the hope, that's beating me down.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I think that it wears every couple down after awhile. The hope really is the worst thing--especially when you get no answers from tests and the like. Because they just feed into that 'maybe next time everything will be fine' thing. As hard as it was for me to be "wasting cycles" (or whatever you want to call it) while my husband was deployed, it did serve as a good mental and emotional break for me. There was no pressure, no hope, no possibility of failure, no nothing. Just a chance to recharge myself and the ability to think about why it was important to me and if it was still worth putting myself through it again when he got home. While your husband is deployed, you get to take that same kind of time and switch it off a bit. See how it feels. By the time he gets back, you may have your answer.

Posted by: Ann M. at March 25, 2008 04:03 AM (HFUBt)

2 Ann M, I totally get that. The first thing I felt when he said he was deploying was the weight lifted, freeing me from the albatross of procreation. It was a relief. Of course, a day later they told me we could bank sperm and keep trying while he's gone, so the weight was right back on

Posted by: Sarah at March 25, 2008 04:08 AM (TWet1)

3 I have to echo Laura, I pretty much always knew I wasn't going to have kids. So I never watched the clock. It was never about wanting or not wanting them. It was about being able to be a parent with the right person. I can't stress how important that was. While there are times I have been sad about it, I've never been miserable because I know it won't happen. I think it becomes this huge merry go round of pressure and disappointment, month after month after month. And when people tell you to relax they aren't necessarily just trying to be nice. Check out the studies on relaxation and fertility. Think about what stress biochemicals do to your body. I know a few people who took a break from worrying about it for a few months and went back to it with a better mindset.

Posted by: Mare at March 25, 2008 05:50 AM (EI19G)

4 I think that it's important to "try it on for size" so to speak. About midway through the 4 years we spent trying to have our daughter we took a break. Stepped off that merciless hope rollercoaster. It was incredibly therapeutic to envision the future without any kids at all, and to see how I really felt about that. It took about 10 months, and then I was ready to get back on again. We are going through something similar now with secondary infertility, trying to envision our family as complete. Hang in there.

Posted by: dutchgirl at March 25, 2008 08:41 AM (i1RnJ)

5 We haven't been trying nearly as long as you guys. And I couldn't handle the pressure after a few months. You're a stronger, more masochistic person than I. :p To echo dutchgirl up above me, my husband and I were just talking the other day about how much we like having the other one to ourselves. I mean, that's why we came together in the first place; we love one another. Whether we have kids or not, there is a future for us. More importantly, there is the present. Anyway, until we have kids I need - for my own sanity and for our relationship - to enjoy our alone time.

Posted by: Spants at March 25, 2008 09:06 AM (9r4Kb)

6 I know/have known many couples in your circumstance and a good handful who have opted to never have children. I cannot imagine that option, but it is there and it is their choice. On the other hand I am so happy to have little pieces of my loved one show up in our children. It really is the future and it also shows us the past. I look at them and wonder when did that trait first appear, how did that ancestor actually look. Ok, so I am a genealogist but that's one of the pluses you are longing for. And I'm truly sorry if that hurts you for me to say it. I have every hope and expectation that some day you will have your baby.

Posted by: Ruth H at March 25, 2008 09:28 AM (w9ltj)

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Oh look, another chance to rave about my husband!

I already wrote about how my husband and I ended up together:

When I realized that my friendship with my husband was turning into something more than friendship, I knew I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. So I flat out told him one night, told him that I really liked him and that I was starting to think about him all the time, and asked him how he felt. He was quite taken aback, and that's when he gave his famous "well, I like you, but I'm not going to marry you or anything" line. He wasn't quite sure what to think, but he slept on it (for two weeks!) and finally told me that he wanted to be with me too.

Dr. Melissa Clouthier did a follow-up post and wrote about dating rules for men. One of the things that so impressed me about my husband was that, while he was taking his time deciding whether he wanted us to be together, he never abused his position in the relationship. He could've used the info to try to get me to go home with him, or strung me along, or whatever. But he was a perfect gentleman. Just perfect.

And I complimented his mother on his behavior later on.

I really liked this part of Melissa's post:

Another aside: I think men are more romantic than women, not less. A man will fall in love and be in love and stay in love with a woman and he just knows. It's often very cut and dried for him. Women are often more needing of proof and evidence. Now, I realize this is a generalization, but I believe it to be true.

My husband is very cut and dried. He just fell in love with me and never stopped, and never considered not being in love with me. It's so simple and so wonderful. Granted, sometimes he could work on his delivery: for example, we are attending a military ball tonight, and when I tried on my new dress to show him the other day, he barely looked up from playing with the dog. He takes it for granted that I know he thinks I'm pretty, which is actually quite cute. He also thinks the height of romance is funding my IRA. He says things like, "See how much I love you; I put money in an account that I would never be able to touch if you divorced me." That's true love for my husband.

And I've been meaning to tell this story for a while now. We were watching highlights of a slam-dunk contest on ESPN a few weeks back, and I asked my husband if he can dunk. He got the cutest look on his face and said, "No, absolutely not, but I think it is such a compliment that you even remotely thought I might be able to."

One of my cherished readers reminded me in an email that, despite the fact that we have encountered roadblocks trying to get pregnant, I have many things to be thankful for. She said that many people would give anything to have the marriage I have, let alone kids. And she's right. Since then, I tell my husband often that I'd rather have zero babies with him than five babies with anyone else.

I am lucky and happy, and I know it.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:59 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 You ARE sooooo lucky to have him. But know what? He's lucky to have you, too. And the fact that you both know it and cherish it makes your marriage so wonderful. I about died laughing at the IRA thing. I know AFG loves me because he'll put on my Neil Diamond cd in the car or when we're home together (he's more the Metallica type). Without prompting! Little things like that are so much better than diamonds.

Posted by: airforcewife at March 20, 2008 08:31 AM (mIbWn)

2 "I think men are more romantic than women, not less. A man will fall in love and be in love and stay in love with a woman and he just knows. It's often very cut and dried for him. Women are often more needing of proof and evidence. Now, I realize this is a generalization, but I believe it to be true." Nail. Hammer. Bang!!! Now, falling in love with the right girl. Yea, that's the tricky part.

Posted by: tim at March 20, 2008 09:40 AM (nno0f)

3 Brava, Sarah! Well-told. (I especially liked the slam-dunk story. . . . )

Posted by: prophet at March 20, 2008 09:55 AM (aavdh)

4 Prophet -- My husband is 6'2", which seems sooo much taller than me, so it seemed plausible. He thought that was hilarious.

Posted by: Sarah at March 20, 2008 10:04 AM (TWet1)

5 My husband had me picked out in third grade. I didn't know this until our sophomore year in college, when the truth finally came to light and I realized I loved him, too. Still blows my mind that he could be that devoted for so long (he calls it proof that stalking really does work out in the end), while I remained so adrift and clueless. I sure am glad, though.

Posted by: deltasierra at March 20, 2008 02:30 PM (7uphd)

6 I hadn't thought of it like that--men being more romantic than women. But my husband was very set on me, too, long before I was able to make up my mind. He was always very up front about what he wanted (like announcing he wouldn't continue dating me if I didn't want kids on our second date). The dunk conversation was really cute!

Posted by: Ann M. at March 21, 2008 06:51 AM (HFUBt)

7 My husband isn't a traditional romantic, but he tells me every day, "You are my favorite person and I love you." It's nice being the favorite. And, just an aside, it sucks having kids with a man you're not in love with or who doesn't love you. I should know. My two oldest with my ex, as much as I hate to say it, will have a hugely different life than my smaller ones with my 'favorite' husband....

Posted by: Allison at March 21, 2008 07:45 PM (2PnS2)

8 Aw, that last line is great. I hope he reads or at least knows about your posts about him, because I love reading about how much in love you both are

Posted by: Kate at March 22, 2008 12:27 PM (576n8)

9 I've had a busy few days and got behind on my reading... just now saw this post. *loosens collar to ease lump in throat*

Posted by: FbL at March 22, 2008 12:32 PM (rW1/8)

10 I think thereÂ’s nothing wrong with people, who say whatever they want. ItÂ’s just there way of communication, I think

Posted by: Lesly at April 06, 2008 07:02 AM (PJrWD)

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Angie posted a link about large families (4+ kids). I knew I shouldn't read it, I just knew it. But I went anyway. Ouch, does it hurt to read comment after comment from people who had all of these accidental kids. Pregnant while on birth control, pregnant after having tubes tied (!), etc. It's so hard to hear about all these surprises when we'd give anything to get the one mega-planned-for baby we've been working on for 13 months.

I have begun to feel discouraged again. It's been three months since the miscarriage and, despite the fact that friends and family all assured me I'd be pregnant again by now, no such luck. And I'm starting to wish that I just had someone to go through this with me. I know several people who had trouble getting pregnant, but, happily for them, they have all gone on to start families. They completely understand what I'm going through, but since they're all past that stage of their lives, it's not the same thing; they know that life eventually works out for them, but I don't have that guarantee yet. So while it's reassuring to me that everyone has gone on to have a baby, either by adoption or IVF, I don't know anyone in the same situation as I am right now: trying unsuccessfully to have her first child. Do any of you readers know of someone currently going through this stage of her life? I'd really like to find a comrade in this struggle.

Because it's rough knowing that people who got pregnant five months after I started trying are getting ready to give birth...

Posted by: Sarah at 01:20 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 I wish so much I could gift this curse of fertility to you. You're right, it just doesn't seem fair. Can't tell you how often I've thought of this very subject. I think I can hook you up with some in your same situation. Gimme a couple of days. I have to tell you I gave a mid-wife a good laugh today. I asked at my appointment if I could get my tubes tied even if my husband had a vasectomy. She told me to just trust the vasectomy. I laughed and said no way! Not with our luck. I want to make sure I'm not having anymore babies!!! I hope your smiling a little, my friend I'm sending you one of my great big "Fertile Myrtle" hugs right now.

Posted by: Angie at March 07, 2008 02:49 PM (BJEkk)

2 The last time you posted about this, it made me think of my good college friend who was recovering from her third miscarriage. I think, at that point, that she and her husband had been trying to achieve (and sustain) a pregnancy for about 14 months. I just found out yesterday that she's 16 weeks pregnant and had ultrasound pictures to show. She waited to announce this one because she lost her first pregnancy at 14 weeks. Although I'm not at the point of being ready for motherhood, she sure gives me lots of hope!

Posted by: Nicole at March 07, 2008 02:54 PM (YHVU/)

3 Dammit. I'd give you my (theoretically) fertile self if I could. *hugs*

Posted by: FbL at March 07, 2008 08:29 PM (rW1/8)

4 Some of our dearest friends at church have been trying to have another child since I was in Afghanistan. I missed meeting them the first Sunday I was back because she had just miscarried. She's now watched no less than 8 people in the church--including people who didn't want one, and a teenager, and so forth--go on to have babies in the last year and a half (ours was born a week and a half ago), and she has said before that it's really hard not to be a little bitter about it. Every time I see her, my own (considerable) joy is tempered quite a bit because she is such a wonderful mother to her 3-year-old daughter and it's a really big deal to them. I can't say anything that hasn't been said. We've been married for 7 and a half years, but only started trying right before I deployed, and even so it took 6 or 7 months after I got back before we "caught." The worst part of the deployment for me was when she miscarried just a month after I mobilized to go over; I was stuck in TX, unable to help or even just hold her hand... Sig

Posted by: Sig at March 08, 2008 07:39 AM (7uphd)

5 All I can say is GOOD LUCK. I can't imagine how you are feeling, I'm way older than worrying about becoming, or not becoming, pregnant. I know the blessings of motherhood and family and I wish it for you. Today I am in San Antonio celebrating with my children and grandchildren the graduation of one of my grandsons from basic training at Lackland AFB. we are so proud and happy for him. It took him a while to decide on a path in life. His was an honor flight and a great incentive to do even better.

Posted by: Ruth H at March 08, 2008 08:57 AM (caBZ5)

6 I'm thinking about you!

Posted by: Allison at March 08, 2008 10:36 AM (xElwl)

7 I remember how absolutely alone I felt when I was going through infertility issues. (it took 5 years to have our first!). It seemed as if everyone was pregnant around me. I wish I knew someone at the same stage now, I wish I had known someone at the same stage I was 10 years ago... you're right, it would have helped. I hope you can find a comrade in this struggle.

Posted by: TripleE at March 08, 2008 03:06 PM (OWlhq)

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