May 29, 2007

OUT OF TIME

A while back I wrote on SpouseBUZZ about the agony of trying to have a baby when you're in a race against deployments.

We've now officially missed our window.

Funny how when I was growing up I was led to believe that sex leads to pregnancy. Young girls are reminded over and over of teen pregnancy, thus I have been a birth control nazi from day one. And now I've seen this myth crumbling before my eyes, as I've just spent the last four months charting my temperature and counting days and worrying about egg-white mucus and absolutely failing at making a baby. All the horror stories about getting pregnant from a toilet seat, for pete's sake, feel pretty freaking absurd when you can't even do it when you're trying your hardest.

Every 28 days I feel like the world's biggest loser.

Today we've learned again that we've been unsuccessful, but I guess now the pressure of the race against time is off: my husband becomes deployable again in nine months. Barring a wonderful surprise, we now are pretty much guaranteed he won't be here for the birth of our baby. Hell, that's assuming we will ever be successful. At this point I'm so frustrated that I don't know what to think anymore.

My mom, bless her heart, keeps telling me to relax, that stress can prevent you from getting pregnant. I know she's got a point, but making a baby is pretty darned scientific too. Way more scientific than I was ever led to believe during sex ed classes. I've learned a lot about my body over the past few months, knowledge I wouldn't have if I'd gotten pregnant right away, for which I am indeed thankful. But with this knowledge comes the annoyed feeling that if we're doing everything right on the right days, why isn't this working?

Now I guess we can just throw up our hands and relax. It doesn't make a whit of difference whether I have a baby on my husband's third month of deployment or his sixth. Either way, we've missed out on something very important to me: his presence by my side in the hospital.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:53 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 369 words, total size 2 kb.

1 I'm really sorry to hear about this...I know that I am no replacement for the father being at the birth, but I will come hold your hand and help you through.

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at May 29, 2007 09:31 AM (deur4)

2 Sarah - I don't even know you (though I feel like I do from reading), but this brings tears to my eyes. I have a number of friends who have gone thru similar issues with conceiving, but none of them have faced the date of potential deployment on the horizon. I hope that everything works out for you, and that your husband will be by your side during delivery. Do you have an ovulation predictor kit? Do you know for sure you are ovulating? I have several friends who used those & they "helped" alot. Thinking of you - Keri

Posted by: Keri at May 29, 2007 09:49 AM (l3uZP)

3 Yes, we take a pill for years so we won't get pregnant, and then many of us have to turn to drugs so we WILL get pregnant. Crazy ... I can't help you out with the deployment issue, but ... I know you have been told this a THOUSAND times, but I believe it really is true. My husband and I tried for a year to get pregnant - doing the ovulation kit (which was NEVER positive), etc, etc. We had been told from the beginning that it probably would not happen naturally for us. We decided to adopt and had just started researching the process when - you guessed it - the monthly pregnancy test was FINALLY positive. The second time around, we said, eh, we'll give it a shot and if it happens it happens. No counting days or predicting hormone levels, etc. A month later, I was pregnant. I'm not saying I know how you feel or that it will happen for you no matter what, I'm just saying that sometimes things do work out. Hope that long ramble helped in some small way! blogs.tampabay.com/standingby

Posted by: Jan Wesner at May 29, 2007 03:43 PM (5EgLa)

4 I echo the "ovualtion predictor kit"...It works! Best of luck and relax...I know that it is hard, but a baby is the best blessing and when he or she arrives, you will forget the months of trying and will only remember that he or she has finally arrived.

Posted by: StephanieBerndt at May 29, 2007 04:26 PM (+bp0U)

5 I hate to say it, but I'm with your mom. *grin* First of all, it's much much easier to get pregnant the younger you are. Second, I haven't looked at any studies, but it just makes sense that if you've been using pills to mess about with your hormones - it will take a while to "unmess" them... maybe up to a year or more depending on the woman. Third, you are very analytical (much like me) doing everything in a certain way and orderly is natural to you - makes you feel like you have some control over your life. And while I know you'll have a hard time doing this... let it go. The best thing to learn when you have kids is that there are some things you can't control. Things can and do happen when you least expect it. Things go right and wrong exactly when they shouldn't. And if everything goes exactly to plan every step of the way at this stage... you will (without even realizing it) set impossible standards for a child. It's just too tempting as a parent to want to try and control everything in their lives to make it "perfect". It never ever works. So, put away your kits, stop worrying about when and where and most of all - enjoy being with your husband!!! Be together, be happy. The rest will work itself out. It won't be perfect - so enjoy the imperfections. Make your time with your husband count. You two as a unit are the most important thing - even after the baby comes. You two strong and in love will do more for your baby than anything else you ever do! Stop "trying" and start living. Enjoy yourself. Things will fall into place. Really they will. And if you absolutely MUST do something... set a date on your calendar of a year from now - see where you are, see what's happening. Don't even look at it until it comes up on your calendar next year.

Posted by: Teresa at May 29, 2007 04:41 PM (gsbs5)

6 Ughhh... Sarah, There are few people that really honestly deserve the honor of guidig small people on the planet. You and your DH, will get the honor....puke and all to be sure... Enjoy practicing while there is not the pitter patter of little fat feet in the house.....Use every available space you will not be able to once a small child comes into play. Have fun, and let DH sweep dishes off of the kitchen table!

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at May 29, 2007 05:20 PM (Eygv8)

7 I have no kids and no practical experience on this topic. But it breaks my heart to see people like you who doing everything you can to have children and for whatever reason, it just isn't happening on your time schedule. I'm with AWTM, practice everywhere you can. Just see how much practice you can get in before he deploys. And remember that the practice is supposed to be fun and not "work". I bet anything, it will work for you. best wishes.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at May 30, 2007 05:00 PM (RX8Nf)

8 Some people try for years to get pregnant. Some people never get pregnant. I can't help but be somewhat offended by your flippant attitude at pregnancy and parenthood. I'm sure you probably don't mean to come across that way, but I have typed lengthy responses to you numerous times and each time, for whatever reason, it was never posted -- too much spam, computer takes a crap.... Maybe it was a sign?!? I should keep my mouth shut.... Pregnancy and parenthood is the most humbling and embarrassing experience.... Ever. You think you have all the answers and do everything "right" but guess what? You don't. And it won't. And not to be the biggest bummer, but some of us *finally* get pregnant, only to miscarry over and over. I'm sorry that you want to be pregnant right this second, but seriously? I have such a terrible time reading your posts about parenting and pregnancy.... I'll leave it at that.

Posted by: allicadem at May 30, 2007 05:46 PM (wkFhu)

9 Allicadem, If you have such a difficult time reading her posts about parenting and pregnancy, then don't read them! She knows waiting four months is not a very long time in the grand scheme of things, but it certainly doesn't take away from her disappointment each monh. I hope you rethink your post to her. She's really a very sensitive, caring person.

Posted by: Nancy at May 31, 2007 08:13 AM (mfwPj)

10 Hi! I just started reading your blog a week ago, so nice to "meet" you! I got married at 17, and Dh and I started trying for a baby a year later. It took us 10 months to get pregnant! At the time I thought all he would have to do was look at me to get pregnant, but it didn't happen that way. I even went to a docctor to get checked out, I started to really worry that something was wrong. But after 10 months I got 2 blue lines! With my second child it took 4 months, and with 3 and 4 it only took 1. It almost seemed like it took my body a few babies to "get the hang of it". Try not to stress too much and enjoy the trying!

Posted by: bunchkin at May 31, 2007 11:22 AM (KAM6m)

11 I'm so sorry to hear that it's been such a trouble. I got no advice (no vast well of experience from which to draw, haha!). But I also have no doubt that it will eventually happen, just maybe not on your time table. Yeah, that's not your style. But hang in there. *hugs*

Posted by: FbL at June 01, 2007 09:57 PM (TXlt9)

12 Im sort of late in commenting on this post and was a little upset at the "flippant" comment. I still wanted to say, I'm sorry you missed your window. I'll be praying God comforts you and continues to prepare you for motherhood. I'm believing for you, that you will get pregnant. As I've heard it said: You do all you can do and then......Let Go and Let God. ...and Im with AWTM! *big hug*

Posted by: Navy Wife Wendy at June 04, 2007 07:18 PM (CfMHF)

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