June 04, 2009


CaliValleyBoy's first birthday is this weekend, and it's a sad reminder of my own fate.  If our first baby had lived, that baby would also be celebrating a first birthday soon.  I imagine we would already be thinking about trying for Baby #2 in that alternate reality.

We would have a one-year-old child instead of a vial of frozen sperm and a prayer.

Yesterday I stumbled across the first post I wrote about preparing for baby:

Of course, anyone who knows me well is probably laughing, because they know there's no way on earth I'll get pregnant until I've read both books cover to cover and used different highlighters to color-code important information within. My husband and I are the ultimate planners. We spent months researching the type of dog we wanted, for pete's sake. My husband did so much research on our Mazda5 that he knew more about it than the salesman (an advantage which helped him get it at invoice). Right now he's been spending all his free time making intricate spreadsheets comparing different mortgages and the time value of our money to see how we can save $300 over the next five years. We're pretty intense people when it comes to Decisions That Affect Our Future, but heck, we even consult Consumer Reports to decide which dishwasher soap to buy. So while it might've seemed funny to the girls at Goodwill, those who know us aren't shocked that I bought pregnancy books for the baby we'll probably have in 2008.

"The baby we'll probably have in 2008."  Sniff.

I had a bit of a freak-out on Facebook the other day when I was hit yet again with how frozen in time I am.  Back in early 2007, one of those darling boys from middle school passed through town and met me for dinner.  He was thrilled about his new son and wanted his wife to start trying for another baby right away.  She was resisting.  I had just started trying too, and he said it was the greatest thing in the whole world.  He wanted another one right away, but he was losing the debate.

It seems like he finally triumphed, because his wife just had their second baby.  And that conversation came flooding back to me: his life has moved forward and mine has not.

I got interviewed this week for an article in a local paper about prenatal genetic screening.  The writer said I sound remarkably upbeat and positive and full of perspective.  And I am like that, most of the time, at least outwardly.  But other days I threaten to set everyone else on fire.

At least I'm not one of these people.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:41 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 As I've told you before, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like your life in on hold.  There are things I haven't done because I've been waiting for that first teaching job, which might just take me away from Austin, so I hadn't made much effort to create a social life I might have to leave behind (initially thinking it would just be a matter of months between graduating and that first - now-elusive - teaching job).  I'm giving it one last try, this current teacher hiring season, but I'm also having to think "what do I do if I DON'T get a job again this year?".  I can't afford - literally and figuratively - to continue like this for another school year.  If it turns out I don't get a teaching job, I'm going to feel like I've wasted the last four years of my life and about twenty grand...

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at June 03, 2009 10:54 PM (paOhf)

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