IVF -- Day 9

If I am ever forced into a homerun derby, just let me hit the balls alone.  Please don't put me in the lineup right after Prince Fielder.  It's cruel.  I can handle being lousy at baseball, but don't make me watch a superstar and then publicly fail.

 

But that's how my journey goes, every time.

 

When I have ultrasounds, I have to hear other people's strong heartbeats right before I find out mine is dead.  I get to learn that CaliValleyGirl is having a boy on the day they take my dead baby out.  I never stack up.  I always seem to have these monumental juxtapositions that make me feel like an even bigger failure.

 

So the problem with having to have a chaperone is when she goes first, and I write down all her fabulous numbers.  And then it's her turn to write down my numbers and they're shitty.

 

There's a target number they want me at, and I am only measuring at a fourth of it.  On the maximum allowable dosage of medication.

 

I envisioned a scenario where I wouldn't have any embryos with good DNA to work with; I never envisioned a scenario where I might be so lousy at the actual IVF process itself that I wouldn't even make it to the step where we get embryos.

 

I am trying not to despair -- it ain't over til it's over -- but I am coming to the head of a six-year experience in which I have been failing miserably at things I have zero control over.  And I keep feeling surrounded by people who are effortlessly knocking it out of the park.  Meanwhile, I am juiced up on everything I've got, and I still can't stack up.

 

As the hormones coursed through me and I fought desperately to compose myself before I escalated from tears to sobs, all I could repeat to myself was "At least I have BabyGrok. At least I have BabyGrok."

 

I don't know how on earth women survive this process when they don't have that to cling to.  You women are much stronger than I am.

 

Things are not ideal.  We re-assess the progress in three days.  

At least I have BabyGrok. 

Posted by: Sarah at 09:13 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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