IVF -- Conclusion

Game over.

 

I got a call this afternoon that they are cancelling my IVF cycle.  Today's bloodwork revealed that I am now lagging where they want me to be by a factor of 10.  I am not responding as desired to the meds, and there is little chance of getting many eggs, much less getting enough to where we could weed some of them out via genetic testing.  So we can stop now and they can offer me a $7000 refund, or we can keep marching towards near-certain failure.

 

But we have plane tickets...and an apartment...and vacation time booked...

 

Half of me wants to go home tomorrow and throw my arms around BabyGrok and never ever think about making babies again.  I hate this.  Hate it.  I am two steps from feeling completely unable to shoulder this weight any longer.  My very first thought when they called me today was that I am done.  My spirit is completely crushed.  I want to live life moving forward instead of constantly living in depressing two week intervals and focusing on what I don't have.  I want to leave it behind.  I want to shrug.

 

But I also want another baby.

 

This decision will only be made by how much I can endure.  We are not limited by time: I perhaps have another ten years before I really cannot bear a child anymore.  We are not limited by money: we have enough to do IVF 30 times if we wanted to.  We are only limited by how much longer we choose to torture ourselves.

 

I want to stop.  I want to accept the fact that our family is complete and move on.  But I can't bear the thought of watching BabyGrok grow to adulthood and looking back and thinking that we perhaps could've had another if only I would've toughed it out a bit longer.

 

I don't know what the right answer is.

 

Heck, I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow.  My plane home doesn't leave for another two weeks...

Posted by: Sarah at 09:31 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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