July 30, 2009


I'm a very scarred and broken person.

Yesterday, out of the blue, a friend of mine mused, "You know, you've been pregnant now pretty much non-stop for the past two years.  I don't know if I could have done that.  You're very strong."  And it was just...nice...to have someone acknowledge that, to acknowledge my perpetual state of stress and worry and fear for the past 2+ years.

And this friend is the eternal optimist, the person who kept telling me to keep my chin up, that it would all work out, that she was sure that this time would be the time...despite the fact that she has said this four times.

It was nice to finally have her acknowledge the crap sandwich I've been eating for so long.

I talked with Heidi recently, and she teases me that I still always worry about saying the wrong thing, about offending, about not properly acknowledging her suffering.  She said she is hard to offend.

I must be easy to offend.

You know the smartass expression "What do you want, a cookie?"  Yes, sometimes I feel like I want the cookie.  Or the medal.  Or whatever else people sarcastically offer to complaining people.

Sometimes I still want to go back and choke everyone who poo-pooed my problems as I went along.  Everyone who said that so-and-so had a miscarriage and got pregnant again the next month and everything was fine.  Everyone who scoffed at my woes and said I just haven't been patient enough yet.  Everyone who said I just wanted things to come too easily.

A year ago, I already thought this experience had made me a worse person.  That was still after only one miscarriage, for heaven's sake.

Some people deal with adversity with grace and composure, like Heidi and David.  They don't need the cookie.

I need the cookie.

I don't know if that makes me a bad person.  Probably.  But I dwell on it sometimes, I know unhealthily.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:20 AM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
Post contains 333 words, total size 2 kb.


Chocolate chip, oatmeal & raison, sugar…???


For what it's worth I think you have handled it all with grace and composure.

Posted by: tim at July 30, 2009 11:46 AM (nno0f)

2 I agree with Tim.

Your readers are a tough bunch. Mostly military. Not the sort who are into Oprah-style sentimentality. No "Million Little Fibers" for them. Yet they're here. They could easily click away from your site and never come back. But they don't. So you must be doing something right.

We all want a cookie sometimes. It's OK. Just don't ask the government to give you one because it's your 'right'.

BTW, I was thinking about Heidi this morning on the way to work. And David ... and you.

Right now, my iPod happens to be playing a Swedish song called "On a Kangaroo". It's a sign.

Posted by: Amritas at July 30, 2009 12:35 PM (+nV09)


I so agree with Tim and Amritas. And oh what I would give to bake you the cookie that you deserve... Instead I will settle for lots of virtual hugs, good thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: jck at July 30, 2009 01:41 PM (fRt6P)

4 So, where do I send the cookies? ;D You deserve all the cookies your collected readership could bake. 

Posted by: Ruth H at July 30, 2009 02:10 PM (zlUde)

5 I'll send you the 3 dozen Ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies I baked last night. You definitely deserve them! :-)

Posted by: Heather at July 30, 2009 02:15 PM (BjblJ)

6 *gives you a cookie*

Posted by: John at July 30, 2009 04:12 PM (H4a70)

7 Aww, thanks everyone.  You put a tear in my eye...

Posted by: Sarah at July 30, 2009 05:11 PM (TWet1)

8 You deserve an award for all you've been through.  AND a cookie.  You've had A LOT thrown at you.  And 2 years of hope and uncertainty and fear and disappointment...  That just isn't fair.  It sucks.  You've handled it all with grace, dignity, AND a sense of humor.  Don't doubt that for an instant. 

Posted by: Val at July 30, 2009 05:28 PM (5btL/)

9 What everyone else said!

And if you think you didn't handle all this with grace and courage and so you are bad for needing a cookie, I don't even want to think of what I deserve for all my whining and complaining--It's certainly not something as nice as a cookie!

Posted by: FbL at July 30, 2009 05:58 PM (HwqvF)

10 I am the biggest emotional Veruca Salt there is.....

I do not think you are...

but I will say ginger snaps are supposed to help nausea

Posted by: awtm at July 30, 2009 11:17 PM (C4w1F)

11 As long as you keep making bacon cookies, you must share! 

I have a sock drawer full of medals, including a purple one I don't really want (nor did I ever want it) you are welcome to that--as I think you've earned it through your suffering with the Try2Care (tm) military health system. 

Posted by: chuck at July 31, 2009 12:21 AM (bMH2g)

12 You think it's unhealthy to dwell on the fact that you've had multiple miscarriages and have watched - often without the benefit of your husband by your side and often with the added bonus of idiot medical personnel - your hopes and dreams for a family crumble before your eyes?

Jesus, Sarah...how else do you expect to handle this? How does anyone else expect you to handle this? More to the point, WTH does it matter what anyone else thinks about how you handle it? You are handling it the best way YOU know how. And you're handling it. You're not in denial. You're facing the issue pretty much head on and you're trying to move forward.

I fail to see how that could ever be construed as "unhealthy".

Cut yourself some slack. You are doing just fine. And yes - this is going to change you. Fundamentally. For bad? For good? Who knows? Change is change. I think the biggest tragedy in all of it is if this whole thing comes to actually DEFINE you. And I don't see that. I see it as one square in the quilt of who you are as a person but I don't see this as truly defining you. You are a resilient person - I like that word more than I like "strong" because resilient people get knocked down and they get the crap beat out of them. But they get back UP.

You're resilient.

And you amaze me. And I'm glad you're my friend. And I'll stop now because I'm gushing ;~)

Posted by: HomefrontSix at July 31, 2009 04:47 AM (R4ZnA)

13 I like HF6's word - "resilient." It really is the best I'm aware of... *hugs & cookies* :-)

Posted by: Krista at August 01, 2009 02:17 PM (sUTgZ)


Handling things well is so overrated. Handle it however you damn well feel like handling it. And for goodness sake, who looks at a woman who's had a miscarriage and says "oh well I know a friend who went through the very same thing and SHE'S fine!" Well, you're different. You're situation is different and just because others have been there before you that doesn't mean you deserve any less whine-time or coddling if that's what you need. 

I think I'd feel the same way. Some people aren't complainers and abhor those who are. When something doen't go my way, I would really like a little time to complain about it.  So, on some small level, I understand what you want.

Cookies go good with wine. When you're unpregnant (and baby in arms), have a couple glasses. You deserve it.

Posted by: Sara Vidotto at August 02, 2009 03:09 PM (AnKbP)

15 It's late, but on a loooong road trip I was wondering and hoping.

So here's a cookie, virtual as it may be.  Hubby stole the stroopwafels, after all.  I admire and salute your courage. 

There's a reason we have three dogs now.

Posted by: Eowyn at August 02, 2009 08:02 PM (g/iMK)


Hey Sarah, I have a possible favor to ask you. Would you mind mentioning a fundraiser I am participating in? Each year crossfitters around the world workout for donations benefitting the wounded warrior project and athletes for a cure (prostate cancer).  There is no minimum donation required. The event is called Fight Gone Bad.  I understand if this is a conflict of interest and you can't do it. But if you can and you're willing, I'd love the support.

Posted by: Sara Vidotto at August 07, 2009 09:51 PM (oukWQ)

17 P.S. I have a donation page where people can donate online safely.  If you're willing, I'll send you the link and a FGB icon with it. 

Posted by: Sara Vidotto at August 07, 2009 09:52 PM (oukWQ)

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