April 28, 2008


I kept this Butterfly post in the back of my mind for a long time, knowing I'd reference it later because it mirrors my situation.

But this is not all that dissimilar to the incident that happened in the fall. Back then, I complained I couldn't cry about it. This time I cried and cried. This difference this time I think has to do with the fact that I do not think of him as being in all that dangerous of place, well, at least compared to where he was. At his last assignment, I think I had an enormous barrier in place to deal with this kind of thing. But once he took the new assignment, and I settled in to the day-to-day officeness of it all, I let that wall down.

Whenever people like my husband's grandma or his friend's wife started to get that worried look as they hugged my husband for the last time, he just smiled at them and reassuringly said, "If I told anyone in the Army where I am going, what I will be doing, and how long I will be there, no one would feel sorry for me. So you don't need to worry about me; I have an enviable deployment!"

His last deployment, not so much.

I wonder how this time will be different. Last time, the only experience I knew was weeks without contact, no phones at his location, two intense trips to Najaf, every third week living off the FOB, and no hot food for the first six months. His deployment was on the rough(er) end of the spectrum, but I don't remember feeling overly scared. It just was what it was; it was the only deployment I knew.

And sometimes now I get worried because this one is even more relaxed. I don't feel nervous or scared at all about his leaving. I don't feel like he's preparing for war this time. But then my mind plays tricks on me and I start to wonder what if something happens like happened to Butterfly Wife, where the husband's "day-to-day officeness" is interrupted by danger? Honestly, I have thought more than once how stupid it would feel if my husband were killed on his "easy" deployment instead of his prior hard one. But stuff like that happens, even to soldiers with the jobbiest jobs.

I hope he spends the entire time bored out of his mind.

And close to a phone.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:49 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 We used google talk like it was going out of style the second time. And I do feel ya.

Posted by: airforcewife at April 28, 2008 01:30 PM (mIbWn)

2 {{Hugs}} Bored is good.

Posted by: Guard Wife at April 28, 2008 05:53 PM (BslEQ)

3 Bored is good. But hearing my husband being miserable at being bored was pretty hard. I would eventually get relieved when he would get 'un-bored' just so he didn't have that particular tone to his voice.

Posted by: wifeunit at April 28, 2008 06:09 PM (BOdNw)

4 I hope he's bored and near a phone the whole time, too.

Posted by: Ann M. at April 29, 2008 05:15 AM (HFUBt)

5 Amen! to bored and near the phone.

Posted by: Tibby at April 29, 2008 05:38 AM (S/Fac)

6 Wifeunit said it well - deployment boredom is such a double edged sword. I found myself seriously battling inside. I, his wife and the lonely partner who wanted him home safely so that we could enjoy our lives together, wanted him to be BORED to TEARS. I'd have happily sent a box of books every day if that were the case. Then I would hear how useless he was feeling due to that boredom, how quiet it was, how he wished he were contributing more with his specific skills. He was miserable at times due to the boredom. I hated that, too. Sometimes more than I hated the danger during the previous deployment. It was often hard finding a balance between the wife who wants him happy and the wife who wanted him home ... The phone part, I whole heartedly agree. I'll be thinking of you.

Posted by: Stephanie at April 29, 2008 08:08 AM (kzbE/)

7 That was our last deployment. While Stretch complained about his job satisfaction (or lack therof), I would listen and be supportive. But I was secretly relieved that his biggest risk was a papercut. Like Stephanie said, it's a difficult balance: wanting them to be happy and wanting them to be safe (and at home!).

Posted by: Marine Wife at April 30, 2008 04:34 PM (emmYv)

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