August 05, 2012

COUNTING MY LIFE IN WEEKS

For half a decade, my life has been lived on hold.


Five and a half years ago, I saw a help wanted sign in the window of a doggy bakery.  I thought that job would be so fun, but I was trying to get pregnant and thought it was a bad idea to take a job and then turn around and quit.

It would be nine months before I even got pregnant...and three years before I ever had a baby.  The doggy bakery was out of business before my pregnancy would've ever made a difference.

So many things are like that when you're trying to build a family.  You can't see a dentist when you're pregnant...and when you're trying to get pregnant every month for five years, you put off calling the dentist's office and scheduling an appointment.  I've been having some other minor pains and health issues, but I've put off seeing a doctor because I can't really take medication.  Heck, when I have a cold, I avoid taking cold meds just in case. For years.

If it hadn't been for the deployment, I would still be waiting to do Lasik.

I'm reaching the end of my ability to be patient, and I started the steps towards seeing a fertility doctor and potentially doing IVF with PGD.  (That's that fancy IVF where they pre-screen for the bum DNA.)  But insurance won't cover a dime of it, so I keep putting it off and hoping we'll just make another BabyGrok at home like we did three years ago.

But I wish it were as simple as "putting it off."  The truth is, I think about it every single day.  Contemplate picking up the phone.  Lie in bed deciding when I should give up and call.  And looking at the calendar over and over again, counting how many days remain before I can take another pregnancy test and see if the problem's been solved on its own.

And then that day comes, and the pregnancy test is negative, and all that's happened is that we've wasted another month.

But it's not like doctor appointments materialize on command.  So if I call tomorrow to make an appointment, it will likely take two or three weeks to be seen.  Which means I will have already tried again at home to make another baby before I even get in to the doctor...which means another month of death by hope that this might work on its own without having to fork over twenty thousand dollars.

I cannot wait to be done with this.  To stop looking at the calendar and counting my life in weeks.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:21 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 I'm sorry you are going through this. For what it's worth, I finally went the IVF route....once you resign yourself to the cost, the actual act of going through it isn't all that terrible. And I felt like I was finally GOING somewhere, you know what I mean? Like I was stuck in this horrible unending spiral, and IVF was me stepping out of the spiral and doing something proactive. Anyway, I hope that whatever decision you make brings you success. 

Posted by: Stephanie at August 09, 2012 02:13 PM (sMMSD)

2 My 2 cents are do not think about the cost.  If you are willing to do the IVF route the money is well spent to be done with tests, waiting and the sorrow of losing a baby. 

You can see a dentist while pregnant, just don't get an x-ray. If you don't want to risk an x-ray even if you know you aren't pregnant just tell them.  Seeing a doctor is the same way, say you are trying to get pregnant and they will tell you what is safe to do/take.

Good luck in whatever you decide!  I have friends who have undergone IVF and have beautiful toddlers to show for it.

Posted by: Tracey at August 16, 2012 01:32 PM (fZboE)

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