I'm home from my vacation. I head to the hospital in the morning for an ultrasound to hopefully get an idea of what's going on. Tomorrow morning, something will happen that will drastically change my life, either for better or for worse.

I can't help but think that my life feels like a Choose Your Own Adventure right now.

In one storyline, we find out that the baby is dead. We have to figure out what to do next. Maybe I have to have another D&C. I'll have to find someone to go with me to the hospital if I do. And then I have to wait months to not be pregnant again. And then perhaps continue with the fertility treatments as planned. Or not, depending on whether this second failed pregnancy is another fluke or a symptom of a bigger problem. I see months of looming questions.

In the other storyline, we see a heartbeat tomorrow morning and realize all seems to be going well, despite the odds. I get excited. I take photos of myself getting bigger and fatter to send to my husband in Iraq. I write letters about kicking and ultrasounds. I sweat it out at the end of the pregnancy, hoping my husband will make it home before the baby arrives. And he returns to a new family and a lot of happiness.

I have already lived both scenarios in my mind over the past few days, and I think I've already felt all the possible emotions. I lie in bed and feel my heart racing when I start to think about it too much. One of these things is going to happen to me tomorrow.

I just don't know which one.

And honestly, the scariest thought is that something in between will happen. They won't be able to tell. The ultrasound won't be conclusive. We'll have to wait another week to know for sure. The agony of unknowing will drag on.

I don't know when I'll tell you the results. As usual, I want my husband to know before I put it on the internet, which means waiting for him to be able to contact me from Iraq. Don't call me tomorrow, because I won't answer the phone until I've talked to my husband.

One of these adventures is going to be my own tomorrow.
Sadly, I don't get much of a choice in the matter.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:10 PM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
Post contains 410 words, total size 2 kb.

1 You've been on my mind a lot this weekend, just wanted to send you some positive thoughts. Miracles still happen, and I'm praying for one for you tomorrow.

Posted by: dutchgirl at May 28, 2008 03:33 PM (NhxCQ)

2 thinking of you...i logged on here to see what (if anything) i could learn before your big day tomorrow. you probably already know that about a kazillion people are also in agony waiting to know what happens at the end/beginning of your adventure tomorrow...

Posted by: Kate at May 28, 2008 04:20 PM (576n8)

3 *hugs*

Posted by: loquita at May 28, 2008 04:29 PM (X0NT2)

4 Wishing you the very best with handling whatever outcome tomorrow brings.

Posted by: wifeunit at May 28, 2008 05:08 PM (BOdNw)

5 I will be talking with the Big Guy a lot tomorrow. I also hope you're able to talk to your husband as early & as much as you'd like tomorrow. {{Hugs}} You know I'm here.

Posted by: Guard Wife at May 28, 2008 05:24 PM (BslEQ)

6 I've been thinking about you too. I've had that "find out what's going on" sonogram and it is a tough situation to be in. I'll continue to send you good thoughts, and let us know the outcome when you're ready.

Posted by: Ann M. at May 28, 2008 05:35 PM (Yhlry)

7 I have your ultrasound date written down on my calendar at work and have been counting down with you. I daydream about the good news....

Posted by: Allison at May 28, 2008 05:44 PM (Gm5x2)

8 Praying.

Posted by: MaryIndiana at May 28, 2008 06:05 PM (PEFLo)

9 No matter what happens tomorrow, you will be ok. Be strong, breathe deeply and realize there's a passal of people who will be holding you in their thoughts in the morning. (The same people will be hoping that your husband calls immediately after you find out your news so that you can share it with us as soon as you get home! )

Posted by: Sis B at May 28, 2008 06:21 PM (0ZS+T)

10 You've been and will continue to be in my prayers. Haven't commented before, but I kinda felt like I wanted to say that.

Posted by: KJ at May 28, 2008 08:13 PM (EXtlN)

11 You've been on my heart for days. I'll be thinking of and praying for you tomorrow, regardless of outcome.

Posted by: FbL at May 28, 2008 08:32 PM (HwqvF)

12 I hope any crying that happens today is the happy kind.

Posted by: sharona at May 29, 2008 02:52 AM (BeRta)

13 Chin up and a deep breath. You've got our prayers and all the well wishes I can muster up.

Posted by: Susan at May 29, 2008 03:39 AM (4aKG6)

14 I pray that you have the outcome you wish for and that you're able to speak with your husband soon.

Posted by: Susan (triplee) at May 29, 2008 04:08 AM (edTDc)

15 Sarah - Thinking of you & saying a prayer.

Posted by: Keri at May 29, 2008 04:50 AM (HXpRG)

16 Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: Mare at May 29, 2008 04:57 AM (EI19G)

17 Sending happy heartbeat vibes your way!!

Posted by: T at May 29, 2008 06:14 AM (KV0YP)

18 I'm here with you.

Posted by: Maggie at May 29, 2008 06:41 AM (XiJJE)

19 keeping my fingers crossed for you. LAW

Posted by: LAW at May 29, 2008 07:08 AM (tqDBA)

20 Praying you feel God's presence and comfort whatever comes your way.

Posted by: Tracy at May 29, 2008 07:45 AM (xGZ+b)

21 Still praying and sending lots of hugs your way.

Posted by: Vypergirl at May 29, 2008 09:45 AM (qe77L)

22 I don't think I've ever commented here before, but I've been reading along for ages. I feel so much for you - having lived that experience in my own way - for my own period of time. I won't bore you with details or outcomes since they are irrelevant to your current struggle. I just wanted to offer the support of my prayers for you and your hubby. I feel your pain, and I hope in the near future to be feeling your unadulterated joy with you too!!!!

Posted by: renee at May 29, 2008 10:19 AM (gDEwS)

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