August 08, 2009

TOO COMPLICATED RIGHT NOW

I haven't been a very good wife for the past few years.

I was thinking the other day about how miserably I failed for my husband's birthday.  Granted, we still didn't have a mailing address for him, but I was so nonchalant about it.  And this year I didn't get him anything for our anniversary either.  He comes in and says he'd like to give me my present, and I just stared at him.  Then he laughed and said, "You mean I freaked out and ran out to buy you something for no good reason?"  Ha.  The thought really just hadn't crossed my mind.

The first time he was deployed, I mailed him 24 presents for his 24th birthday.  It came so easily to me.

But I have been absentminded since then.  I have been so focused on this whole stupid having a baby thing that I have really been lazy about being a good wife.

And I feel guilty that now I miss him, but in a selfish way.  Like I need him to be here to dote on me, to encourage me, to be Randall to my Dante.  I am bitter that I have to cash my chips via email.

But he is busy and stressed and frustrated with his own issues.  And the poor man can't cash any chips at all.  He alludes to the desire to, but he's not allowed.

Our lives are too complicated right now, in two completely different ways.

I miss the simple days.  Bringing him sack lunch while he was the gold bar recruiter.  Quizzing him for his vehicle identification test at OBC.  Studying for our German driver's license together.  The first deployment, when all I did was brainstorm ways to make him smile.

I was looking at old photos of us the other day, and somehow my husband turned into a man while I wasn't paying attention.  The difference between 19 and 29 is astounding.

I've been too preoccupied to miss him yet...but I miss him this morning.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:02 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Yeah, I was thinking about that the other day...about wishing I could lay around in my boxers all day (and not have a gut to worry about), watching Cartoon Network, eating cereal for 3 of my 4 meals (with microwave burritos round it out).  No, now, I have to clean the house, mow the lawn, pay the bills, walk the dog, go for a run, work on home improvement projects, etc...  I've often said we've got it backwards...you should get to goof off until you're 55 then work till you die...instead they tease us with HS and College, make us work 40+ years and then when you're too tired and old to really enjoy it...they let you lay around in your boxers (who cares about a gut at 65), watching Price is Right, eating Oatmeal for 3 of 4 meals (a trip to the $4.99 buffet at Sizzler rounds it out), while you basically wait for it all to end.  You start in a diaper and end in a diaper...but you get all the S*#t in the middle.  Wow, that just came out way more cynical than it was supposed to...at any rate...the complicated stuff is what makes life interesting...seriously, do you want to sit around watching cartoon network for 60 yrs?

Posted by: Matt at August 08, 2009 09:09 AM (wNBv7)

2

IF what you've blogged here is any indication, your husband knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that you adore him, and is comforted and gifted in that knowledge alone.  The extravagant measures get fewer and farther between when the shit is hitting the fan in all directions.  That's ok.  That's when you settle into that little niche of knowing that if you have to go through hell, you have someone by your side (if not literally, at least emotionally regardless of distance) and THAT will take you farther than any romantic gesture alone. 

It really sucks when you are going through something big alone and they are going through something big alone and there is no way for it to intersect.  It just does.

And it's ok to miss him for the reasons that you miss him.  He misses you for the same reasons.  And it shouldn't  be any other way. 

Be gentle with yourself.  You ARE a good wife. 

Posted by: Val at August 08, 2009 11:32 AM (5btL/)

3 If you're not a very good wife, then nobody is.

What matters is not so much what you do for him on his birthday or on an anniversary, but on each and every day of the year.

Notice how people resort to romantic gestures to try to make up for big mistakes, as if a one-time gesture can compensate for long-term error. Conversely, not getting your husband anything for your anniversary does not negate everything you've done right. Many can get gifts but few feel love as intense as yours. Your husband is truly blessed.

this whole stupid having a baby thing

It's not stupid if he wants a baby too. When you focus on the baby, you're doing so for him as well.

And I feel guilty that now I miss him, but in a selfish way.  Like I need him to be here to dote on me, to encourage me, to be Randall to my Dante.

How do you think you're supposed to miss him, if you're supposed to miss him at all? I don't see anything wrong with this.

I'd be much more concerned if you didn't miss him.

Posted by: Amritas at August 08, 2009 01:29 PM (h9KHg)

4 I miss the simple days.  Bringing him sack lunch while he was the gold bar recruiter.  Quizzing him for his vehicle identification test at OBC.  Studying for our German driver's license together.  The first deployment, when all I did was brainstorm ways to make him smile.


MacGyver and I were talking about this the other day (with regard to our own lives). We miss our old days as well, regardless of our current situation. It *was* simple back then.

Posted by: HomefrontSix at August 08, 2009 01:53 PM (/CWwF)

5 Sweetheart,

For our decade anniversary I skipped tradition and got the Mrs. a pair of 1/2 ct diamond earrings.  I was excited that we'd been married so long and been through so much.  I put much thought into the gift, contacting both the jeweler and jewelry designer who made her engagement ring.  I bought the earrings, and gave them to her inside another gift--one that was much more functional, and more my retarded style of gift giving:  a garbage disposal.

In return, to mark our tenth anniversary, she got me...

Nothing,

It doesn't matter though.  The next year, for her birthday, I boycotted gift giving because she refused to tell me anything she wanted.  (I bought myself a gun instead). We're weird like that.  Usually, for any holiday requiring the exchanging of gifts, we end up realizing there is little we need or really even want.  We're happy with each other, and with what we have.

What you have right now is a bun in the oven, a mass of cells dividing like gangbusters, and growing faster than the federal deficit.  That, my dear, is what you need to focus on.  He understands that, and no gift you could possibly give him could compare.

Also, you could buy him a new gun, and tell him it's waiting for him upon return.

Personally, I think he'd enjoy a pair of dehner boots.  I have a pair, and although expensive, I've never owned a better pair boots, unequal in craftsmanship, quality, and comfort to any other I've ever worn.


Posted by: chuck at August 08, 2009 03:31 PM (bMH2g)

6 Alteration in focus...it happens especially when you have a lot going on.  It is "easier", when there are none of life's harsh events.  Your family could be potentially growing and with all that both of you have been through, I would guess you are having to compartmentalize to get through.  My guess is, he feels ore guilt than you, for being gone for most of this....so I am sure he feels the same....

Posted by: awtm at August 08, 2009 05:03 PM (hYOWx)

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