One year ago today, I assumed I was in the process of getting pregnant. I could barely concentrate on the Super Bowl because I thought there were miraculous changes going on inside my body. If you had told me then that I would be watching the next Super Bowl unpregnant and without a baby, I think you could've knocked me over with a feather. I can't believe we've been running in place for a year.

I know some people think I was incredibly naive when I went into this process. And apparently I was. I did not know that people had to try to get pregnant. Sure, I had friends with actual medical conditions -- endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome -- and I knew some people tried for years to get pregnant and then had to have fertility help, but I thought that if you didn't have Major Medical Problems, you just got pregnant. I know people who got pregnant by forgetting to take one day of their birth control pill. I know a lot of R&R babies, which means people managed a one-shot-one-kill tactic in the random two weeks their husbands were on leave from deployment. And within three months of the husbands' return from Iraq, our entire street in Germany was pregnant. I know of so many people who got accidentally or immediately pregnant that I thought that the female body was dying to procreate the first chance it could get. I honestly thought that all you had to do to get pregnant was not prevent it from happening.

And here we are.

The sad thing for me is that I now feel smothered by a blanket of apathy. Where last year I fretted and fussed over temperatures and charts, now I just don't care anymore. I don't feel excited about getting pregnant, and once I do finally get pregnant again, I know I will feel nervous and detached. I am not going to enjoy it the way I should, which frustrates me beyond belief.

So this Super Bowl is a "grim milestone" of sorts for me. And tomorrow when my husband takes his DLPT, our Safe Year officially ends. And we have absolutely nothing to show for it.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:34 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 You don't have "nothing to show for it". Yes, you do not have an infant, but you had a year with a loving husband. Trust me, that's more than a little "something" to have. Many people go their whole life without that. (Don't jump to any conclusions. I have a loving wife, we've been married for 17 years. I'm just stating something about what you have from the last year.)

Posted by: Gus at February 03, 2008 04:45 AM (V+clK)

2 Incredibly sad post! Just keep trying. That apathy is defensive. When your body deceives you, it's difficult to trust it again. I still don't believe that I have babies. I never, ever, in a million years, ever thought that I would be so lucky. Just keep trying. At least THAT part is fun. If you had to get root canal to get pregnant, that would SUCK! Try not to worry about it. Drink some wine. It worked for me! And I'm OLD.... I wish I could take your burden. I've already been there and back. It hurts to see people that you care about suffer.... I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything all ok.

Posted by: Allison at February 03, 2008 07:12 PM (f2kPQ)

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