April 20, 2009


Darla and I are currently going through much of the same -- a break from babymaking, upcoming deployments, etc -- and she wrote a great post about it.

I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been a little calmer around here since we took a hiatus from the baby making.

This past month has been very relaxing for us. No thinking about babies, no trying for babies, nothing. I had honestly been afraid that we might never be able to go back to "normal," that two years of forced coupling and repeated heartbreak might be hard to undo. But we have spent the past month happy with each other, as happy as we were before this whole mess began. So that was a relief.

I'd be lying to say I wasn't enjoying last weekend. [...] As slightly inebriated baby sister and I stumbled down the streets of Portland in the wee hours of the night behind our spouses, it was a bit of a relief to not be neglecting any children or having to place their care in someone else's hands while being completely stupidly unresponsible for myself. Sometimes it's joyous being an adult, and yes I know they have these things called 'sitters' but those barren like myself have to see silver linings everywhere.

I am quite good at the silver linings game by now. This weekend I ran to the grocery store to buy carrots for Charlie's birthday cake. I wandered around the store for a while, checking everything out. $30 in groceries later, I checked out and went home...to find that I'd left the carrots at the store. Back in the car, run back in the store, back home.

That was annoying, but imagine the ordeal toting a kid. I try to remind myself of stuff like that all the time.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't melancholy on occasion.

Snort. Sitting here doing nothing and then bursting into tears for no reason is just a way of life for me anymore.

Yet, as is the case in life, some evenings are crazier than others and sometimes the littlest stupidest thing, like someone's FB profile photo, can remind you of the exact spot you are at in life. For instance barren, at 29, here, now.

Replace that last sentence with "habitual aborter at 31" and that's me. I can't stand Facebook updates about other people's ultrasounds, and their healthy babies, and their profile pics of their bellies. Sometimes I have to stop myself from making mean comments.

Tomorrow we head to the doctor to find out the results of the tests on our genes and my immune system. I have completely freaked myself out by reading the book Is Your Body Baby Friendly? and now I am imagining the worst.

But truly the worst would be to hear that there's no cause for the repeated miscarriages. Then what?

And Darla, for Easter we had pork wrapped in pork. Mmmm.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:40 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 No words, words kinda suck, just prayers.

Posted by: Beth at April 20, 2009 05:43 PM (7t5CD)

2 That was awesome! I wondered why I was getting all these feeds from you ... so I stumbled over here and lo and behold my tired eyes did see ... Thanks! And Yes, we do seem to be so symbiotic in this sometimes. I'm glad I found you! You remind me to have a little hope and look up in life!

Posted by: Darla at April 20, 2009 05:44 PM (LP4DK)

3 Than she read, and reread the post .. You know I feel you, you and see the cross posts often enough to understand. I will think of you next time I break down for no apparent reason, or every reason in the world. Enjoy our silver linings and spoiling Charlie and stalking your husband and think of me. In October I'm heading to DC - too bad you didn't live closer!

Posted by: Darla at April 20, 2009 05:51 PM (LP4DK)

4 *hugs* I hope this doesn't mean you hate me now...

Posted by: Leofwende at April 21, 2009 04:28 PM (28CBm)

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