October 27, 2008

I'M A COUGAR AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT

So there's a stock boy at my new job -- I'm gonna peg him at about 18 years old -- who I suspect has a crush on me. Last week he followed me all around the store, gave me a "how you doin'?", and wanted to know how old I am. The look on his face was priceless when I told him. And I figured that would be the end of it, but today he asked me if my band is just a ring or if I'm married.

I've probably been married since he was in middle school.

One of the girls at work says that makes me a cougar.

You know, when I was 16, I worked at a concert arena. I was one of the only females, and I was a good 30 years younger than most people working there. I can't tell you how many times gross 23-year-old roadies would come on to me. I used to get so annoyed at the unwanted attention at work.

And now, shoot, I want to hug this kid.

It has been years since someone has shown an interest in me. It is sincerely the most flattering thing that's happened in a long time. I am just tickled pink that this kid even remotely thought it would be appropriate for me to talk to him. I have been giggling all day.

Now there's an ego boost. Heh.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:34 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 254 words, total size 1 kb.

October 20, 2008

NO RETURN OF THE SALAD DAYS

how can I explain personal pain
how can I explain my voice is in vain
how can I explain the deep down...driving

I had myself convinced that I was going to have triplets. I had them named, and at night before bed I would have visions of myself corralling toddlers. I was kind of excited that we might breed at more than replacement rate. Twins was also acceptable. I got comfortable with the idea of multiples. Shoot, one was feeling like a let-down.

But I never prepared myself for zero.

Sure, I knew it could happen. Just like I knew two years ago that it was possible to have fertility problems. But it's one of those things that happens to other people. It wasn't going to happen to me. Because everyone I know who did the treatment I just did got pregnant. And since I have been pregnant twice before, and we know it's biologically possible, I figured this was the boost we'd need to make this work.

I never put any energy into thinking it wouldn't.

I feel so much frustration and ire today. I feel emotionally incredulous. I feel biologically sickened.

I feel like a failure. Squared.

I want to have my husband's baby. He's handsome, strong, tall, and fit. He's super smart. He's only been sick once since I've known him. He has perfect vision and nice eyebrows. His genes belong in the pool.

And we've been ready for two years. We have a stroller. We have a the paperwork for a rider on our life insurance. We have the baby names we picked out eight years ago. And yes, though it's been mocked, we have a nursery filled with knitted stuffed animals and blankets.

We still see ourselves like the end of Raising Arizona. But it's just as cloudy for us to imagine as it was for H.I. McDunnough.

One year ago today, I told you all that I was pregnant. Little did I know that we too would have "no return of the salad days." And last Christmas, I consoled myself with the hope that we'd have a baby in the house by this Christmas. Not even close.

And, you know, I am always the first person to try to keep things in perspective. To be grateful that I have a great husband and a nice home and plenty of things to be thankful for. But today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have.

And I probably should stop listening to The Violent Femmes, because that's not really helping anything.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:13 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 444 words, total size 3 kb.

October 19, 2008

AT LONG LAST

At the Milblogs Conference, during the tribute to our fallen, I mentioned Bunker Mulligan. Or, I tried to: I immediately choked up and barely managed to sob the words out.

It's been three years since the death of a man I never met, and it still hurts that much.

A while back, I found this old comment he left:

There are just too many things in this country I haven't seen to go wandering around the world looking for more. I still haven't been to the Black Hills, and I want to see Yosemite again. Washington is one of my favorite cities in the entire world--so much to do there. I've been four times and still want more.

I keep trying to plan a road trip from Corpus Christi through Big Bend to Vegas, then back along the northern route to the Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, then back to Corpus across the Llano Estacado and Comanche Country.

There will be time for golf when you get back!

He didn't get to do these things. We didn't get to play golf.

Mike is buried in San Antonio, and I had to see him while I was there. We located his marker and my friends stayed in the car as I got out to pay respects.

The sobbing started even before I saw his name.

bunker.jpg

I had tried to think of something I could leave there for Mike, but I couldn't come up with anything and was empty handed. My fellow SpouseBUZZ author Toad surprised me with the most perfect idea: he had brought a golf ball and a Sharpie for me.

I left Mike a little note on the golf ball and then sat there and wept.

bunkercry.jpg

I still miss him so much.

And I want this blog post to be better, because he deserves better, but I just don't know what else to say.

Damn, this weekend was rough.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:17 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 325 words, total size 2 kb.

October 03, 2008

FEELING BETTER

I am feeling better emotionally tonight, especially after a great chat with my husband. I told him that I really miss him and that, while I have had fun watching the debates with his friend, it's not the same. He said:

Husband says:
well when you've been in love as long as we have personalites start to merge
Husband says:
you become more or less one person
Husband says:
it's like talking to yourself

Yep, I miss my better half.

On the physical side, I feel terrible. I was told I might have "some cramping," but this is nearly as bad as the miscarriage. I did not expect to hurt this much. I hope it doesn't feel like this tomorrow.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 124 words, total size 1 kb.

September 30, 2008

17?

I found a quiz on Facebook to determine your "real age," based on lifestyle. I thought I was a grown up at heart, but mine came back as 17 years old! No wonder people think I'm a teen and wish me a birthday that's half what I really am.

I think the quiz just ended up that way because I clicked that I have never smoked.

I don't feel 17 inside. A 17 year old wouldn't be so fretful about the state of the world...

But I do miss my pigtails.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:50 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 93 words, total size 1 kb.

INTER-SPECIES SNUGGLING

Mary asked for a pupdate, and I must say that there's not much going on in Charlie's life at the moment. But we did kitten-sit over Labor Day weekend. Charlie spent the weekend chasing after a four-pound kitten trying to make friends. He has such a good relationship with Hitler cat, and he thinks all cats should be as receptive to his advances. Luckily this kitten took it like a champ and even let him get close to her a few times. Here they are snuggled together...

withcandy.jpg

But most of the weekend the poor kitten hid under the dresser in the guest bedroom.

In other cat news, the family that dog-sits for me just got a cat who's not so into Charlie. Charlie keeps getting scratched in the face because he just gets too danged boisterous around their cat.

My husband says Charlie is like Lenny from Of Mice and Men...

Posted by: Sarah at 08:52 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 155 words, total size 1 kb.

September 29, 2008

ON FIRE

I've been wanting to blog this all day but kept telling myself that it was not blogworthy. But I can't help myself any longer; I just have to blab it.

My ovaries feel like they're on fire.

No, seriously. I feel like I am burning up from the inside. You know when your laptop is on your legs for too long? That's what it feels like on my stomach. From the inside.

The other day my neighbor's 7-year-old gave me a hug. Her head is belly button height, and she recoiled from the hug saying, "Eww, you're hot."

So...things must be working. I'm apparently producing a lot of energy.

I had my ultrasound today to make sure the meds are doing what they should, and it appears we're good to go at the end of this week. I am not so excited that I have to give myself a shot of HCG on Wednesday. A shot. This was nowhere to be mentioned before today. I nearly freaked out when the nurse told me.

I would not be a good diabetic.

I am scheming to get my neighbor to do it for me.

So then by the weekend we will have done all that can be done, and thus begins The Waiting Game. I need to plan some activities for myself for the beginning of October.

I have made 19 preemie caps in the past week. You think I have nervous energy?

Posted by: Sarah at 03:40 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 245 words, total size 1 kb.

September 23, 2008

THEATER OF THE ABSURD

I find myself really hoping that this fertility cycle works, and not just so I get to have a baby or three. I keep thinking, "I can't wait until I have a healthy 12-week-old pregnancy so I can get the heck out of this fertility clinic."

Dealing with these people is theater of the absurd. The doctor has one philosophy and plan of action, while his nurses have another. The doctor is gangbusters, diving right in and slapping bandaids on problems so we can jerry-rig some success. The nurses want to run tests and get to the bottom of things before we do any treatment. The problem is, they haven't worked out their issues among themselves. So I end up having conversations like this:

Nurse: So we need to do a clomid challenge test and day 3 tests.
Sarah: But you told me a week ago that it was OK that I was going to be in Vegas on day 3 and couldn't be here.
Nurse: No, not OK, we have to skip this month.
Sarah: Not acceptable.
Nurse: But we need to make sure you're not already pregnant.
Sarah: My husband is deployed, so I am most certainly not.
Nurse: If your husband is deployed, how are you going to get pregnant?
Sarah: IUIs.
Nurse: Why are we doing that?
Sarah: Don't you people take notes or anything?
Nurse: (looks at chart) Oh, now I see what the doctor is doing. Well, that's risky but OK...
Sarah: RISKY??? No one said the word "risky" last week; you all acted like this was standard procedure.
Nurse: Well, the doctor doesn't always like the run the tests first, which is a problem.

Oh good lord. I was waiting for her to turn into a rhinoceros.

Ironically, a long time ago my husband and I joked about nicknaming the baby Godot, since we've been waiting for him to show up for quite a while now. I never knew I was inviting absurdity into my life with that harmless joke. But apparently I've jinxed myself into this Who's On First routine with the fertility clinic.

So we're doing a backwards compromise now. We are full steam ahead this month, trying to get pregnant. If it doesn't work this month, we will step back and start running tests to make sure my innards are a go-flight.

Maybe next time I talk to the doctor and nurses, I can get them to peek out of a joke wall à la Laugh In and have them dispense medical information in the form of knock-knock jokes.

Excuse me, does this IUI come with a cream pie to the face?

Posted by: Sarah at 05:08 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 450 words, total size 2 kb.

September 10, 2008

SAVIN' BACON

My husband will be proud of his business-savvy wife! I called to get the windshield fixed and got an estimate of $394. The man said that windshield must've been made of solid gold; it's the most expensive one he's ever seen. I called a couple other places, and his was the best price. Then, on a hunch, I called our car insurance company and asked them if they'd cover it. They don't, but they found a place to do it for $318. So I called back the original place to cancel my appointment, and they said they wanted my business and would beat the other offer and do it for $300.

So, I saved a hundred bucks! Funny how I feel excited about spending $300 but saving $100.

One gremlin down...

Posted by: Sarah at 11:43 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 135 words, total size 1 kb.

September 09, 2008

STRESS

Today was one of those days...

Over the weekend at SpouseBUZZ Live, Andi asked me if I've had any "deployment gremlins." I couldn't think of any. But I returned home to find that we may have a water leak somewhere on our property and we may have a case of identity fraud. Both are things I'd rather let my husband deal with -- or at least things we could stress out about together -- but he ain't home.

Posted by: Sarah at 12:46 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 80 words, total size 1 kb.

September 08, 2008

AT FULL GALLOP

Today I pretty much guaranteed that I'm gonna get pregnant soon: I bought $66 worth of booze.

Saturday night after SpouseBUZZ Live, AWTM called me at midnight to check on me. She said she had been thinking about me all day after the panel at SBL and wanted to make sure I was OK. It was so thoughtful of her. But really, I was OK. In fact, I was puzzled at first about why she was checking on me.

I did speak about the miscarriages on our panel, and how frustrating it's been to try to squeeze pregnancy into deployment schedules. And also how depressing it is to miscarry your baby on your wedding anniversary while your husband is deployed. Heh...sigh.

But honestly, pregnancy has been pretty far from my mind lately. I stopped charting -- there was no point with my husband gone -- and I knew there was no chance of getting pregnant, so it became a non-issue for two months. Until I talked about it at SpouseBUZZ, I hadn't thought about it in a long time.

But today I had my first appointment with the fertility doctor. Remember how I said I'm getting back on the horse? Well, I'm hopping on a horse at full gallop. At the end of the month, I will be trying to get pregnant. Sadly, it will be alone in a doctor's office. For all my griping about babymaking, I kinda wish we could do it the old-fashioned way. But that's probably just the four months of deployment talking.

And squeezing it into deployment schedule? We will be lucky if we get pregnant right away, because otherwise there's not much hope for my husband being here for the birth. Funny how I could get pregnant without him and he will still come home and leave again during the pregnancy.

So much for planning out our life, right?

But we're back in the saddle. And I'm off the wagon until I'm not allowed to be anymore.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:44 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 339 words, total size 2 kb.

September 07, 2008

POOR DOGGY

Bad news. My parents' little doggy has cancer.

toby.jpg

Charlie and I are hoping for a full recovery.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:48 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 21 words, total size 1 kb.

September 05, 2008

ON MY WAY

When John McCain gave his list of things we can do to personally make the country better -- "feed a hungry child, teach an illiterate adult to read, comfort the afflicted" -- I said, "Make chemo caps?"

Cuz that's what I was doing.

chemocap.jpg

This morning I set out for SpouseBUZZ Live. I also get to stop along the way and spend some time with Sis B...and give Crush his knittery.

I live for meeting up with these friends.

Oh, and I'm wearing my new t-shirt, a gift from AWTM: I heart Nebraska.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:48 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 98 words, total size 1 kb.

August 31, 2008

GOOD TIMES

I haven't been blogging because I have a friend in town this weekend. I also am unrelatedly kitten-sitting, which has been an interesting experience. Charlie desperately wants to wrestle this 4 lb kitten. And he even more desperately wants to eat her wet food.

For a laugh, read Palin Facts. My favorite was the Tom Brady one; my husband's was the Terminator one.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:21 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 67 words, total size 1 kb.

August 27, 2008

HOME

We're home, and we're tired.

charlieyawn.jpg

Posted by: Sarah at 10:00 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 7 words, total size 1 kb.

August 25, 2008

COMING UP

The time has come to head back home. Let's hope my windshield survives.
I can't believe I scheduled my three-day drive home for the nights of the DNC. Dumb.

Oh, but there's something fun to look forward to when I get back: my husband just got his new laptop in the mail, which has a *webcam*! I get to see his dimpled face for the first time in three months.

And then it's almost time for SpouseBUZZ Live: Hampton Roads!

Posted by: Sarah at 02:29 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 84 words, total size 1 kb.

August 23, 2008

EXPLAINING MY LACK OF SUCCESS

I hate meeting new people or catching up with old acquaintances. It's the worst aspect of coming home for a visit.

I, she states emphatically, am not enterprising. My shame is that I would've made a terrible pioneer and probably would've never crossed the Atlantic for the New World. I don't like adventure, and I'm not the least bit entrepreneurial.

I am a born follower.

When our future children start school, I will get a job. Not a career, a job. I have no interest in a career whatsoever. I fancy myself a sort of Renaissance Lady who likes learning new things for the sake of learning, but I am not ambitious. I went to grad school merely to kill time while my husband finished school. I liked school and was good at it, but I can't imagine myself in any sort of career.

I say all of this to set the stage for the question I hate most: "So, what do you do?"

I don't do anything. I don't know how to answer that. I do a monkey's job two weekends a month. I don't make money. I have no job to speak of.

I was voted Most Likely To Be President by my graduating class. I have no idea why. I am certain I am a disappointment to them.

But I am fine with my life. My husband likes me the way I am, though I am sure he will enjoy the extra money once I get a job. I have no regrets at all about where I am in life. (Except if I'd known it would take more than two years to have a baby, I would've gotten some sort of job at this duty station.)

But any time I get the "What do you do?" question, I feel like I need to explain all of this. I feel like I need to prove I'm not a bum. Or I have to explain the two dead babies, so at least I have an excuse for not working.

Yesterday we ran into the mom of a kid I went to school with. "So, what do you do?" I fake laughed and said, "My husband is in the Army, so I follow him around for a living." She looked disappointed. "I just remember you were so successful in school."

Ouch.

I'm just typing this to get it off my chest. I hate that question. I hate not having an answer to it. I hate the look people give me when I don't have an answer for them.

Sometimes I answer "I'm a trophy wife" if I think I can get away with it.

I hate how the question makes me feel inadequate when really I am happy with my life. I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does.

I just need to hurry up and have a kid so I have an excuse for staying at home.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:15 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 499 words, total size 2 kb.

August 22, 2008

BACK ON THE HORSE

Yesterday I had lunch with my best friend from high school. I hadn't seen her in almost nine years; the last time I saw her I wasn't even dating my husband yet. We reconnected via email around the time I started trying to have a baby. She has been a good friend to have in my life over the past two years; she had to undergo monstrous amounts of testing and IVF to have her two children, but the sting of infertility is still fresh with her. She didn't dust her hands off and get over it after her children came along, and she keenly understands my gripes and frustrations. And she lost her first baby, so there's that angle we share too.

In short, she makes me feel normal.

With my husband gone and babymaking out of the question, I haven't given much thought to the babies we lost or the one we'd like to have soon. It's been a non-issue for me as my HCG level steadily declined and there was no chance of getting pregnant again in the meantime. I haven't talked about the issue with anyone in a long time, but my visits with Guard Wife and my friend from high school, two women who've been in my shoes, brought the issue to the forefront for me again.

And this morning, the fertility clinic called me and said they have an opening when I get back, so I scheduled an appointment to see if we can figure out this crazy puzzle.

Time to get back on the horse.

Oh, and Darla and I are totally going to have triplets at the same time and move in together while our husbands are deployed. Take that, Jon and Kate.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:35 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 299 words, total size 2 kb.

August 21, 2008

ROCKS

So I made some calls re: the windshield. Naturally there are two hitches: both my sticker to get on post and my state inspection sticker are on the broken windshield. I can only get a new inspection sticker if I get the windshield replaced in my state, and since our vehicle was registered at our old post, I have to go in with umpteen documents to get a new sticker at our current post. Pain in the neck. So I decided to just wait until I get home to get the windshield replaced.

But would you even believe that, while driving today, another rock hit me and made another chip in the glass in a different spot? Thank heavens I hadn't already fixed it; I would've gone through the roof.

Don't ride with me, I'm a rock magnet.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:10 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 140 words, total size 1 kb.

August 20, 2008

MY MOTHER IS A HOOT

We were teasing my mother the other day that her eulogy is going to be a laugh riot. We have so much hilarious material on her, including the fact that this week I threw out some canned goods in her pantry that expired in 2001. And how she argues with her GPS: "No I should NOT turn left here!" And how she whistles under her breath all the time. Oh, the whistling, it drives me nuts.

She pouted and said that we can't wait for her to die so we can make fun of her.

But yesterday, I saw a side of my mother that I love. Through her work, she's befriended a family from Tanzania. We stopped by their house because my mother had done some school clothes shopping for their daughters. My mother is so entirely generous that way: she invites this family to Thanksgiving, she bought them a Christmas tree, and she's always popping in on them with new clothes and toys for their kids.

And I just love how these two little African girls climb all over my mother and call her Grandma. And my mom kisses them and reads books to them and loves on them to death. It is such a beautiful sight to see this little black girl throw her arms around my mother and shout, "Grandma!"

Don't worry, Mama. We'll include good stuff like that in your eulogy too.
Just please stop with the whistling.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:41 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 253 words, total size 1 kb.

<< Page 7 of 32 >>
124kb generated in CPU 0.029, elapsed 0.1562 seconds.
65 queries taking 0.1373 seconds, 306 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.

Search Thingy