When we started trying to have a baby a year and a half ago, my husband was dismayed that he hadn't reached two goals yet: he wanted to have X amount of net worth, and he wanted to be finished with his MBA. But that was our safe year, so we had to take advantage of his non-deployable status.

Well, last month we hit that X amount of money, and now I'm happy to announce that my husband passed his last two classes right before he deployed and finished his MBA program.

So anyway...Hey, baby, any time you feel like finally joining our family, feel free. Everything's squared away for your arrival. We've got fun knitted animals for you to play with, you've got a dresser full of clothes that the SpouseBUZZers bought for you, and now your screaming won't bother your father while he's trying to do homework.

Anytime now...

Posted by: Sarah at 02:08 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Wow. Congratulations to you both. Amazing milestones you guys have hit! Praying for that baby!!

Posted by: Tonya at May 09, 2008 05:59 AM (KV0YP)

2 I'm sending crossed fingers and prayers.... And I was serious about compensating you for some knitting projects. I don't know how to knit and your stuff is gorgeous.... Please e-mail me if you are interested...

Posted by: Allison at May 09, 2008 05:31 PM (7gasU)

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My husband never remembers his dreams (lucky) but I always do. We often laugh at how mundane and stupid my dreams are. For example, last night: The husband and I visited some sort of aquarium museum. In the gift shop, I picked out a quartz that was carved into a turtle and bought it. Afterwards, I realized it was $11, and I panicked. I didn't think it was worth $11, but I was too embarrassed to immediately ask for a refund. And then my husband comes around the corner and sarcastically says, "You could always buy one of these," referring to a little statuette of a mother holding an infant.

Seriously, these are my dreams. Of all the things I could be doing -- flying, commanding a space ship, winning the lottery of free yarn -- I dream about buyer's remorse. And about how mad we are that we don't have a baby yet.

Apparently I'm just as parsimonious and cynical in my dreams as I am in real life.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:11 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Today is our stinker's 3rd birthday.

His birthday kinda snuck up on us this year, so he doesn't get the same treatment he got for his 1st or 2nd. But he is getting steak for dinner. And he loves his birthday present: a stuffed beaver.

Here's to many more, Chuck.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:46 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Happy birthday, Charlie!

Posted by: Green at April 18, 2008 12:12 PM (6Co0L)

2 Happy B-day, Little Man!!!! What a good looking boy!

Posted by: Guard Wife at April 18, 2008 12:49 PM (BslEQ)

3 Enjoy your steak, Charlie!

Posted by: Nicole at April 18, 2008 02:48 PM (sBJ2p)

4 Happy Birthday, Charlie!

Posted by: pam at April 18, 2008 02:57 PM (l6NIn)

5 Any story behind his name?

Posted by: Jed Steven at April 20, 2008 12:33 PM (bT2o/)

6 Happy Birthday Charlie!!!

Posted by: Mare at April 21, 2008 05:57 AM (EI19G)

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This morning we had an appointment with a fertility doctor.

I wanted closure. I wanted reasons. I wanted someone to pore over my charts with me and help me find the definitive a-ha as to why we haven't had a baby yet. And honestly, I wanted a big fat neener-neener "I told you so" that I could say to all the people who told me to just relax and stop stressing. I wanted there to be something wrong with us that we could fix.

But I didn't get that. Instead we got hemming and hawing and maybe you could get pregnant on your own but maybe you couldn't and you got pregnant once before but actually these test results don't look so good, well they're not the worst we've ever seen but they're not great and when are you deploying and for how long and hmmmm and uhhhhh and...OK, fine, you're candidates for fertility treatment.

And I guess the reasons ultimately don't matter so much. After 15 months, the ends justify the means, and whatever means it takes us to get a baby is fine by me. But I really wanted answers. Because as of now, we're still living with the same amount of uncertainty that we've dealt with for the past year. If there's nothing absolutely, definitively wrong with us that can get fixed, just some low numbers here and some less-than-optimal conditions there, then we just blew it. We had an 85% chance of getting pregnant this year and we blew it. That sucks.

And even though we're getting an extra dose of Science to help us on our way, it's just going to be more finger crossing and hoping for the best.

So my husband's leg of the journey ends here, but I must soldier on. Like Frodo with the ring, I will continue to carry the burden while my husband goes off to fight the battles of men (this analogy is totally working for me.)

And I'm ticked because we're right where I absolutely didn't want to be. We did everything we were supposed to do, and raised all sorts of concerns along the way. I took all my charts to the doctor last August and begged someone to listen to me. After the miscarriage, we pleaded with someone to hear our case. And now, now that my husband leaves for Iraq in less than a month, now they decide to help us. Now that the last 15 months have been one big fat waste of time.

And I can't help but be annoyed that if someone had just listened to me last year, our journey could've been more like this:

At any rate, we are where we are now and we have to make the most of it. At first the prospect of multiple babies freaked me out, but now I've gotten really used to the idea and I think I really want twins. Give me all the babies I am ever going to have in one fell swoop so I can be done with this horrible procreation process once and for all. Sorry, Mark Steyn, but I just don't have the stomach for it.

But it's funny; if we do end up having a baby, we will have Mark Steyn to thank for it. America Alone is the only thing that's kept me going. I asked my husband the other day what happens if we go through this entire stupid process and then only end up with one baby, do we go through it again? And he sputtered, "But...but...one child? But...Mark Steyn..." Ha, that book really messed with our heads.

So it's America Alone and now Sarah Alone, headed into Mordor with a burden that grows heavier with every step.

I start treatments the day my husband deploys.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:55 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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These LOL Cats are hilarious (via Mare). I crack up at this kind of stuff, but I'm easily amused. A simple "teh" can make me want to wet my pants.

Anyway, Charlie loves cats. Loves them. His first cat experience was with my in-laws' cat when he was young, and their cat thinks he's a dog. Seriously. He goes on walks and stuff. And he wrestles with Charlie. They scrap and fight and roll around. Unfortunately, Charlie now thinks this is how all cats are supposed to act. He's since scared the bejesus out of numerous cats because he wants to play with them and most kittehs are not into that sort of thing.

But he got to play with his favorite cat all last week, which was so fun to watch. Sadly, it's not so easy to photograph. But here they are, face to face, right before the cat reaches out and punches Charlie in the face.

Also, I forgot to mention that this cat is hilarious for another reason. The jokes write themselves because he has a dark patch of fur right under his nose. Beware of Hitler Cat.

Charlie doesn't seem so scared. Maybe he thinks his blond hair and blue eyes will endear him to Hitler Cat.

By the way, he would make a great LOL Cat.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:03 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I found this article funny -- Average British family eats the same six meals every week -- because it's a running joke in our family that we never eat the same thing twice. The only time we have repeats is when we have company over because I'm not brave enough to try something untested when guests are coming. Otherwise, I browse the cookbooks every week and find something new to try. The downside to this is that my husband is not so vocal about what he likes and dislikes. He said once, "What's the point; even if I love it, we're still not going to have it again." I say there will be plenty of time for repeats once we have kids. For now, there's no reason why I can't spend three hours making enchillada green sauce from scratch. Yum.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:21 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Do you remember that episode of House where all those people got sick on the airplane, and it turned out they were all psychosomatic? I completely believe in the power to think you're sick and the placebo effect. One thing I would love to see, which is a completely unethical experiment, is to give women positive pregnancy tests when they're not pregnant and see what symptoms they report. I would bet that most of them imagine themselves nauseated.

For over a year now, I have spent the final days of every month trying to guess whether I feel pregnant or not. All of a sudden, you notice every twitch and twinge in your body. There are pains in your abdomen you swear you've never felt before. You sit and wonder if you could throw up. And every month save one, all those symptoms I felt were imaginary. It's amazing what the mind can be tricked into thinking when you really want to be pregnant.

So I'm sitting here trying to fight back nausea that most likely only exists in my head. Mind over...mind? And then at the end of every month, I have this fight with myself because I get so annoyed that I fall for it every month. I berate myself for even entertaining the hope. Because when you start to feel the twinges and nausea, you start to imagine all the good stuff: taking a positive test, calling mom and dad, finally getting to use all the lovely things I got at my baby shower. And then it just hurts your heart even more when it turns out to all be in your head. It's a stupid cycle.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:52 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Charlie thinks that you should read this article about the oppression of his people: Why Do Palestinians Get Much More Attention than Tibetans?

He also thinks the Tibetan people could learn from the Tibetan terriers, such as how to hide.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:13 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Knitters watch a lot of TV. And since I've been cranking out baby gifts and scarves for my mama and squares for HCC, I watch a lot of TV during the day. Oh hooey, I won't even blame it on the knitting; I like watching TV. And I try to watch interesting things on the National Geographic channel, but they take more concentration than reruns of cop dramas, and I need that concentration for the knitting.

But I've discovered a funny side-effect of all this TV: I am starting to dream about TV characters as if they're people in my life, or as if I'm in an episode of their show. About a week ago, I dreamt about Calleigh Duquesne and Eric Delko. I just thought it was funny when I woke up. But two days later, I was solving a murder with Goren and Eames. The next night, I hung out with Wash from Firefly, and then last night I was a high schooler sitting next to Sam Weir. It's starting to creep me out.

I am turning into Mike TV.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:31 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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As I was leaving my house tonight to have dinner with friends, I noticed a dog wandering on my street. I started to drive away since I was already a few minutes late, but I changed my mind and called the dog over to me. He had tags, but nothing that indicated where he belonged.

(Incidentally, what is up with that? We get dogs roaming our neighborhood all the time, and none of them ever have a tag with their address or phone number on it. What is wrong with people?)

He did have a tag noting that he was chipped, with a 1-800 number. I took him home -- he followed quite willingly -- and called the people. They tracked him down and called the owners; no answer. They left a message saying I had their dog and to call me. I left this dog in our backyard while I went to dinner.

I should've remembered Mare's warning. He was a beautiful husky mix, just so handsome. He also apparently had the husky's digging fetish. I got home from dinner and he was gone, leaving me with a major hole under the fence. Now I know how he disappeared from his owner's house.

I hope he's OK and found his way home.
I'm kind of sad; Charlie wanted to keep him.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:49 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Must...stop...fingers from typing.

Stop talking about not having a baby.

Just stop.

No one wants to hear it. No one cares. I mean, they do care, but they don't need to hear about it every day.

Just talk about something else. What's Obama doing? Talk about that guy who died and came back to life. Something, anything else.

But all I can do is sit here and think about how it wasn't supposed to be like this. Having a baby was supposed to be happy, fun, natural. I never envisioned this for myself.

Oh lord, I'm Dante Hicks.

Just, bleh. Talk about something else. Don't write about this anymore. The more you write about it, the more people comment and send you emails, which means the more you think about it, which means the more depressed you get.

Duh. Stop it.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:46 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 *hugs* I left something for you over on my blog. The SPAM filters aren't letting it through, though.

Posted by: Stephanie at March 25, 2008 10:35 AM (kzbE/)

2 "Oh lord, I'm Dante Hicks." Without the facial furniture and pants tucked in the boots, naturally. Nice to know that the hometown heroes are all worried about the same things. All my best. And, oh yeah - what's up slut? (think we'll be explaining that one to everyone else also?) I'm hoping for you. - trr

Posted by: Sarah's pinko commie friend at March 25, 2008 10:53 AM (c0h9C)

3 Meh, could be worse. No one could send you emails or comments. How 'bout a Charlie update? Cute dogs fix everything. Serioulsy? What do you think about Hilary 'mis-speaking' about Bosnia?

Posted by: Mare at March 25, 2008 11:02 AM (EI19G)

4 Howzabout we talk about my musings over my dog's orientation? The way he pined about Charlie leaving, I have my suspicions... That would explain his fastidiousness and penchant for velvet dog beds, though.

Posted by: airforcewife at March 25, 2008 11:30 AM (mIbWn)

5 I wouldn't call your posts about trying to conceive 'entertaining' but I am totally mesmerized by the window into your life and feelings. I know how you feel! Three years and three miscarriages fucking sucked and I really didn't overly blog about it but now wish that I had. And I, too, thought that it was getting too obsessive..... But your feelings and experiences are so true. It is a human suffering, my friend suffering, and when I read about how you're doing and not about stupid Hillary or slippery Obama, I am relieved. Talk about overkill! Obsessive? Yeah, but I am, too, and so are probably most of your loyal friends and readers! I have full faith that whatever road you are led/forced down, you will not only make the best of it, but by sharing, help others who are feeling exactly as you are but don't know how to say it. And now that I am personally out of that shit-storm, I can't give good advice.... Except to keep on truckin! I would tell my husband on the 'lottery nights' to "make a deposit" for me to sleep on. It worked eventually, but damn if I hadn't given up hope that last time.... "Do it if you want to, but I'll be watching Craig Ferguson." How much is too much? You'll know when you get there....

Posted by: Allison at March 25, 2008 07:28 PM (2PnS2)

6 Allison makes some excellent points. I've never been through the experience but have watched it really really suck for a lot of my friends. Write about it, don't write about it. Do whatever you feel you need to do to get through it. We're here because we like hearing what you have to say. Having friends gets you through some of the crappiest times in life.

Posted by: Mare at March 26, 2008 04:58 AM (EI19G)

7 If writing about it helps, then do it. Write it here, or put it down on paper. There's always the satisfaction of the 'delete' button when you're finished, or you can set it on fire or tear it to shreds when you are done. If posting helps, then do it. Don't worry about what the rest of us want to read. If you want/need our support, we'll always be here to provide it. No matter what the topic.

Posted by: Ann M. at March 26, 2008 08:19 AM (HFUBt)

8 Sarah - I agree with the others. Sometimes it just feels better to write it out. This is your blog. Write if you want to. I dont even know you but I will keep reading. I will keep hoping that your dreams come true & that where ever the road leads, there will still be happiness. Take care -

Posted by: Keri at March 26, 2008 05:48 PM (HXpRG)

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Posted by: mysekstv at April 14, 2008 02:41 PM (4ypBx)

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LauraB asks a pertinent question in the comments section:

So for those people who cannot/have not/may never conceive - isn't there a point at which you just have to surrender to it and live your lives together even if it is childless?

I have thought a lot about this too over the past year.

Look, I am an obsessive type person. I think that if you're going to do something, you do it wholeheartedly. So when we weren't quite ready for children, we were actively preventing the possibility. Every single time, no exceptions, for many years. So when we decided it was time for a family, it just wasn't in our nature to take the whatever-happens-happens approach. I am an all-or-nothing gal; I immediately started maximizing chances for baby to happen. I read books, websites, sought tips, everything. I began charting immediately. It was the exact opposite of the diligence with which we had previously prevented pregnancy.

My ultimate fear isn't necessarily that we might not be able to have kids. It's that I might not be able to "switch off" this diligence. We are trying to have a baby; at what point do we give up? When do you give up hope? Because, really, it's the hope that kills you. It's the hope, every month, that you might've gotten what you wanted.

If a doctor told me tomorrow that I would never have kids, that there was no chance of it happening, I could mourn and then move on. And I would recover and go on to lead a happy and normal life. Because I wouldn't be trying anymore.

And I was never one of those women who loves babies or wanted to be a kindergarten teacher her whole life. This may sound terrible, but there's a part of me that's ready to throw in the towel because the more elusive it gets, the less important it feels. The less emotional it feels. I think human beings ought to procreate, and I think that people with stable, loving homes like ours are a good place for kids. (And Mark Steyn makes me think I need to have ten of them, to shore up our numbers.) I was always fairly matter-of-fact about having a baby anyway, and this year of over-thinking it hasn't helped any. My husband re-convinces me every day to keep trying, because I'd love to abandon hope and forget about it.

It's the trying, the hope, that's beating me down.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I think that it wears every couple down after awhile. The hope really is the worst thing--especially when you get no answers from tests and the like. Because they just feed into that 'maybe next time everything will be fine' thing. As hard as it was for me to be "wasting cycles" (or whatever you want to call it) while my husband was deployed, it did serve as a good mental and emotional break for me. There was no pressure, no hope, no possibility of failure, no nothing. Just a chance to recharge myself and the ability to think about why it was important to me and if it was still worth putting myself through it again when he got home. While your husband is deployed, you get to take that same kind of time and switch it off a bit. See how it feels. By the time he gets back, you may have your answer.

Posted by: Ann M. at March 25, 2008 04:03 AM (HFUBt)

2 Ann M, I totally get that. The first thing I felt when he said he was deploying was the weight lifted, freeing me from the albatross of procreation. It was a relief. Of course, a day later they told me we could bank sperm and keep trying while he's gone, so the weight was right back on

Posted by: Sarah at March 25, 2008 04:08 AM (TWet1)

3 I have to echo Laura, I pretty much always knew I wasn't going to have kids. So I never watched the clock. It was never about wanting or not wanting them. It was about being able to be a parent with the right person. I can't stress how important that was. While there are times I have been sad about it, I've never been miserable because I know it won't happen. I think it becomes this huge merry go round of pressure and disappointment, month after month after month. And when people tell you to relax they aren't necessarily just trying to be nice. Check out the studies on relaxation and fertility. Think about what stress biochemicals do to your body. I know a few people who took a break from worrying about it for a few months and went back to it with a better mindset.

Posted by: Mare at March 25, 2008 05:50 AM (EI19G)

4 I think that it's important to "try it on for size" so to speak. About midway through the 4 years we spent trying to have our daughter we took a break. Stepped off that merciless hope rollercoaster. It was incredibly therapeutic to envision the future without any kids at all, and to see how I really felt about that. It took about 10 months, and then I was ready to get back on again. We are going through something similar now with secondary infertility, trying to envision our family as complete. Hang in there.

Posted by: dutchgirl at March 25, 2008 08:41 AM (i1RnJ)

5 We haven't been trying nearly as long as you guys. And I couldn't handle the pressure after a few months. You're a stronger, more masochistic person than I. :p To echo dutchgirl up above me, my husband and I were just talking the other day about how much we like having the other one to ourselves. I mean, that's why we came together in the first place; we love one another. Whether we have kids or not, there is a future for us. More importantly, there is the present. Anyway, until we have kids I need - for my own sanity and for our relationship - to enjoy our alone time.

Posted by: Spants at March 25, 2008 09:06 AM (9r4Kb)

6 I know/have known many couples in your circumstance and a good handful who have opted to never have children. I cannot imagine that option, but it is there and it is their choice. On the other hand I am so happy to have little pieces of my loved one show up in our children. It really is the future and it also shows us the past. I look at them and wonder when did that trait first appear, how did that ancestor actually look. Ok, so I am a genealogist but that's one of the pluses you are longing for. And I'm truly sorry if that hurts you for me to say it. I have every hope and expectation that some day you will have your baby.

Posted by: Ruth H at March 25, 2008 09:28 AM (w9ltj)

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Oh look, another chance to rave about my husband!

I already wrote about how my husband and I ended up together:

When I realized that my friendship with my husband was turning into something more than friendship, I knew I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. So I flat out told him one night, told him that I really liked him and that I was starting to think about him all the time, and asked him how he felt. He was quite taken aback, and that's when he gave his famous "well, I like you, but I'm not going to marry you or anything" line. He wasn't quite sure what to think, but he slept on it (for two weeks!) and finally told me that he wanted to be with me too.

Dr. Melissa Clouthier did a follow-up post and wrote about dating rules for men. One of the things that so impressed me about my husband was that, while he was taking his time deciding whether he wanted us to be together, he never abused his position in the relationship. He could've used the info to try to get me to go home with him, or strung me along, or whatever. But he was a perfect gentleman. Just perfect.

And I complimented his mother on his behavior later on.

I really liked this part of Melissa's post:

Another aside: I think men are more romantic than women, not less. A man will fall in love and be in love and stay in love with a woman and he just knows. It's often very cut and dried for him. Women are often more needing of proof and evidence. Now, I realize this is a generalization, but I believe it to be true.

My husband is very cut and dried. He just fell in love with me and never stopped, and never considered not being in love with me. It's so simple and so wonderful. Granted, sometimes he could work on his delivery: for example, we are attending a military ball tonight, and when I tried on my new dress to show him the other day, he barely looked up from playing with the dog. He takes it for granted that I know he thinks I'm pretty, which is actually quite cute. He also thinks the height of romance is funding my IRA. He says things like, "See how much I love you; I put money in an account that I would never be able to touch if you divorced me." That's true love for my husband.

And I've been meaning to tell this story for a while now. We were watching highlights of a slam-dunk contest on ESPN a few weeks back, and I asked my husband if he can dunk. He got the cutest look on his face and said, "No, absolutely not, but I think it is such a compliment that you even remotely thought I might be able to."

One of my cherished readers reminded me in an email that, despite the fact that we have encountered roadblocks trying to get pregnant, I have many things to be thankful for. She said that many people would give anything to have the marriage I have, let alone kids. And she's right. Since then, I tell my husband often that I'd rather have zero babies with him than five babies with anyone else.

I am lucky and happy, and I know it.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:59 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 You ARE sooooo lucky to have him. But know what? He's lucky to have you, too. And the fact that you both know it and cherish it makes your marriage so wonderful. I about died laughing at the IRA thing. I know AFG loves me because he'll put on my Neil Diamond cd in the car or when we're home together (he's more the Metallica type). Without prompting! Little things like that are so much better than diamonds.

Posted by: airforcewife at March 20, 2008 08:31 AM (mIbWn)

2 "I think men are more romantic than women, not less. A man will fall in love and be in love and stay in love with a woman and he just knows. It's often very cut and dried for him. Women are often more needing of proof and evidence. Now, I realize this is a generalization, but I believe it to be true." Nail. Hammer. Bang!!! Now, falling in love with the right girl. Yea, that's the tricky part.

Posted by: tim at March 20, 2008 09:40 AM (nno0f)

3 Brava, Sarah! Well-told. (I especially liked the slam-dunk story. . . . )

Posted by: prophet at March 20, 2008 09:55 AM (aavdh)

4 Prophet -- My husband is 6'2", which seems sooo much taller than me, so it seemed plausible. He thought that was hilarious.

Posted by: Sarah at March 20, 2008 10:04 AM (TWet1)

5 My husband had me picked out in third grade. I didn't know this until our sophomore year in college, when the truth finally came to light and I realized I loved him, too. Still blows my mind that he could be that devoted for so long (he calls it proof that stalking really does work out in the end), while I remained so adrift and clueless. I sure am glad, though.

Posted by: deltasierra at March 20, 2008 02:30 PM (7uphd)

6 I hadn't thought of it like that--men being more romantic than women. But my husband was very set on me, too, long before I was able to make up my mind. He was always very up front about what he wanted (like announcing he wouldn't continue dating me if I didn't want kids on our second date). The dunk conversation was really cute!

Posted by: Ann M. at March 21, 2008 06:51 AM (HFUBt)

7 My husband isn't a traditional romantic, but he tells me every day, "You are my favorite person and I love you." It's nice being the favorite. And, just an aside, it sucks having kids with a man you're not in love with or who doesn't love you. I should know. My two oldest with my ex, as much as I hate to say it, will have a hugely different life than my smaller ones with my 'favorite' husband....

Posted by: Allison at March 21, 2008 07:45 PM (2PnS2)

8 Aw, that last line is great. I hope he reads or at least knows about your posts about him, because I love reading about how much in love you both are

Posted by: Kate at March 22, 2008 12:27 PM (576n8)

9 I've had a busy few days and got behind on my reading... just now saw this post. *loosens collar to ease lump in throat*

Posted by: FbL at March 22, 2008 12:32 PM (rW1/8)

10 I think thereÂ’s nothing wrong with people, who say whatever they want. ItÂ’s just there way of communication, I think

Posted by: Lesly at April 06, 2008 07:02 AM (PJrWD)

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Angie posted a link about large families (4+ kids). I knew I shouldn't read it, I just knew it. But I went anyway. Ouch, does it hurt to read comment after comment from people who had all of these accidental kids. Pregnant while on birth control, pregnant after having tubes tied (!), etc. It's so hard to hear about all these surprises when we'd give anything to get the one mega-planned-for baby we've been working on for 13 months.

I have begun to feel discouraged again. It's been three months since the miscarriage and, despite the fact that friends and family all assured me I'd be pregnant again by now, no such luck. And I'm starting to wish that I just had someone to go through this with me. I know several people who had trouble getting pregnant, but, happily for them, they have all gone on to start families. They completely understand what I'm going through, but since they're all past that stage of their lives, it's not the same thing; they know that life eventually works out for them, but I don't have that guarantee yet. So while it's reassuring to me that everyone has gone on to have a baby, either by adoption or IVF, I don't know anyone in the same situation as I am right now: trying unsuccessfully to have her first child. Do any of you readers know of someone currently going through this stage of her life? I'd really like to find a comrade in this struggle.

Because it's rough knowing that people who got pregnant five months after I started trying are getting ready to give birth...

Posted by: Sarah at 01:20 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 I wish so much I could gift this curse of fertility to you. You're right, it just doesn't seem fair. Can't tell you how often I've thought of this very subject. I think I can hook you up with some in your same situation. Gimme a couple of days. I have to tell you I gave a mid-wife a good laugh today. I asked at my appointment if I could get my tubes tied even if my husband had a vasectomy. She told me to just trust the vasectomy. I laughed and said no way! Not with our luck. I want to make sure I'm not having anymore babies!!! I hope your smiling a little, my friend I'm sending you one of my great big "Fertile Myrtle" hugs right now.

Posted by: Angie at March 07, 2008 02:49 PM (BJEkk)

2 The last time you posted about this, it made me think of my good college friend who was recovering from her third miscarriage. I think, at that point, that she and her husband had been trying to achieve (and sustain) a pregnancy for about 14 months. I just found out yesterday that she's 16 weeks pregnant and had ultrasound pictures to show. She waited to announce this one because she lost her first pregnancy at 14 weeks. Although I'm not at the point of being ready for motherhood, she sure gives me lots of hope!

Posted by: Nicole at March 07, 2008 02:54 PM (YHVU/)

3 Dammit. I'd give you my (theoretically) fertile self if I could. *hugs*

Posted by: FbL at March 07, 2008 08:29 PM (rW1/8)

4 Some of our dearest friends at church have been trying to have another child since I was in Afghanistan. I missed meeting them the first Sunday I was back because she had just miscarried. She's now watched no less than 8 people in the church--including people who didn't want one, and a teenager, and so forth--go on to have babies in the last year and a half (ours was born a week and a half ago), and she has said before that it's really hard not to be a little bitter about it. Every time I see her, my own (considerable) joy is tempered quite a bit because she is such a wonderful mother to her 3-year-old daughter and it's a really big deal to them. I can't say anything that hasn't been said. We've been married for 7 and a half years, but only started trying right before I deployed, and even so it took 6 or 7 months after I got back before we "caught." The worst part of the deployment for me was when she miscarried just a month after I mobilized to go over; I was stuck in TX, unable to help or even just hold her hand... Sig

Posted by: Sig at March 08, 2008 07:39 AM (7uphd)

5 All I can say is GOOD LUCK. I can't imagine how you are feeling, I'm way older than worrying about becoming, or not becoming, pregnant. I know the blessings of motherhood and family and I wish it for you. Today I am in San Antonio celebrating with my children and grandchildren the graduation of one of my grandsons from basic training at Lackland AFB. we are so proud and happy for him. It took him a while to decide on a path in life. His was an honor flight and a great incentive to do even better.

Posted by: Ruth H at March 08, 2008 08:57 AM (caBZ5)

6 I'm thinking about you!

Posted by: Allison at March 08, 2008 10:36 AM (xElwl)

7 I remember how absolutely alone I felt when I was going through infertility issues. (it took 5 years to have our first!). It seemed as if everyone was pregnant around me. I wish I knew someone at the same stage now, I wish I had known someone at the same stage I was 10 years ago... you're right, it would have helped. I hope you can find a comrade in this struggle.

Posted by: TripleE at March 08, 2008 03:06 PM (OWlhq)

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John Hawkins scoffs at arm hair woes. Trust this hirsute chick, it can be a worry. Excessive hair anywhere is a nightmare. I lucked out and inherited my dad's genes, so I get to fuss with hairy knuckles, a lady mustache, and eyebrows that would make Oscar the Grouch cringe. And I do the best I can, but apparently the problem is bad enough that my husband's uncle gave me a mustache trimmer for Christmas this year. (Yeah, ouch. That's like getting punched in the stomach for Christmas.) So John Hawkins might not get it, but I do.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:29 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Wow. Husband's uncle highly presumptuous, to say the least and mildest possible. I share your pain. Recently caved and began having some strategic waxing and doing some tactical tweezing. Eeyaarrrggh.

Posted by: Anwyn at February 29, 2008 05:35 AM (uNpky)

2 I've got German ancestry. That means someone in our background mated with a bear. Seriously. My poor half-Russian kids. Ohhhh, the poor kids!!! Anyway, TWEEZIE! Best. Thing. Ever. It plucks the hairs and actually inhibits growth, so after about a year of using it, my hair is growing much more slowly and much lighter. Yay for damaged follicles!

Posted by: airforcewife at February 29, 2008 06:58 AM (mIbWn)

3 I'm right with you, AFW--I swear there's a bear in my heritage. I've got wiry hairs that sprout in places no woman should have hair! And all that hair grows fast, too. And sadly, my follicles don't seem to damage easily. *pout*

Posted by: FbL at February 29, 2008 02:40 PM (rW1/8)

4 My only real issue is my eyebrows. To make it more insulting flyboy has the most perfect eyebrows, nicely shaped, nice light coloring, and NO HAIR IN BETWEEN. Actually insulting was when he was honestly shocked that hair grows between the eyebrows and people pay to get rid of it. oh the shame. although your hair trimmer as a gift takes the cake!

Posted by: lea at February 29, 2008 04:00 PM (NJQf+)

5 This may be good news for you (or not!) but as we woman age, we lose alot of body hair. I can go a week easy without shaving my legs and no one would notice. Unfortunately, I think it all migrated to my nostrils. Just GROSS!

Posted by: Raging Mom at March 03, 2008 05:32 AM (l+Chn)

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I've decided it's Scare Sarah week on the internet. Parents seem to be posting horror stories about their kids in an effort to dissuade me from wanting them.

First it was Army Blogger Wife, compiling all the creatively bad things her daughter did.

Which reminded me of the time AWTM's kids got into plaster of paris while her washing machine was broken.

Then Pink Ninja took a ride on the garage door.

Then Erin told me on the phone that the honeymoon is over with Tucker and that she's frazzled and exhausted. She said all of this on the phone while she was planting spring flowers, because she didn't have enough time in the day in between Tucker's screaming to both talk to a friend and work in the garden.

Then today AWTM posted some Bill Cosby comedy about the maddening things kids do.

You guys are conspiring to freak me out, right? That's the awful thing about trying for more than a year to get pregnant: there's too much time to think about it! Time to think about whether you really want to sing Barney songs while cleaning an overflowed toilet. Or reprimand your son for playing with himself in public. Or pull your kid out of a grave.

This needs to happen quick before I lose my nerve...

Posted by: Sarah at 03:36 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Ya know Sarah, every time someone tells me "you will never guess what my kid did?" I say....is it as bad as falling into Grndas freshly dug grave? the answer is generally a horrifed look of no... I win every time. Pink Ninja pooped on the floor in front of company, cut her hair, broke both arms within months of one another leading me to have a discussion with social services as well.... the list goes on and on.... Parenthood, is not for wussies.... indeed

Posted by: awtm at February 28, 2008 04:07 AM (TEH0y)

2 and did anyone mention ''almost drownings''? I promise you, it's all nessecary, to build you up, for the parenting of teenagers....I also promise it's worth every minute, of laughter, tears, and fears!

Posted by: debe at February 28, 2008 05:48 AM (Hn47u)

3 Think of it this way... they don't start out like that. You get to work your way up to it gradually. You adjust as they get older and get to work through each thing as it comes along. While you're pregnant, you figure out (as you get near the 9 month mark) that you can live without much sleep. This helps when the baby comes along and wants to be fed several times a night and keeps you awake all day too. Cat naps... Then they start to roll, then crawl, then walk, then talk, then... well you get the idea. Each thing is a new adventure. If kids didn't do stuff like that - you would start to wonder what was wrong with them. LOL. But remember - none of these kids started out doing the fun and fascinating things you are reading about, so relax a bit. You'll be able to handle it when the time comes.

Posted by: Teresa at February 28, 2008 06:43 AM (rVIv9)

4 You forgot to mention that they crap all the way UP THEIR BACKS when they are infants. Sound impossible? Oh, just you wait. Physics are nothing when baby crap comes into play. Oh, and just for an update, I thought I was going to have to run to the ER yesterday when my son jumped off the kitchen counter and tried to do a ninja kick landing. He ended up with a HUGE goose egg on the part of his head that is bald. So we couldn't hide it. And we had Little Gym, so everyone got to admire it.

Posted by: airforcewife at February 28, 2008 09:16 AM (mIbWn)

5 Oh it's definitely not for the faint of heart, but it is fun, frustrating, rewarding, inspiring and so much more! Once they come out kicking and screaming you will adapt super fast and soon you will be a pro.....and a little grayer! All the good things far outweigh all the not so good things that they do.

Posted by: Army Blogger Wife at February 28, 2008 09:28 AM (Y3JJK)

6 LOL I am really enjoying this post and comments . Theresa is right, you do work up to it. Here's two off the top of my head: last winter, Ronin ate something blue, and we never figured out what, but Jim insisted we go to the emergency room. We got a stern brochure about locking up the chemicals in your cabinets. And, with the exception of the "episode" last week, every time that Ronin has thrown up in his short 5 1/2 years of life, it has been all down the front of me

Posted by: Kate at February 28, 2008 02:17 PM (576n8)

7 Other commenter was right, you kinda get eased into it. But it doesnt always make you feel anybetter at the time. But I'm probably a bad person to ask about this at the moment. Our house is being invaded by the terrible threes. Lets hope we make it to four.

Posted by: Lea at February 29, 2008 03:08 AM (NJQf+)

8 It's still totally worth it...

Posted by: Erin at March 01, 2008 01:46 PM (y67l2)

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Last night we watched The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. One Rotten Tomatoes reviewer said it was like "watching a book on tape." If that seems like your bag, this is the movie for you. I really enjoyed it, but I don't mind things that take their sweet time. I thought it was lovely and thoughtprovoking.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I don't know...CaliValleyGirl's new puppy is awful cute, but my loyalties lie with ol' Charles here.

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Heidi asked for a Charlie update, but there's not much to say. Here's a funny picture (please disregard the utter pigsty that is our TV room) of Charlie watching the Tibetan terrier take fourth place in group at Westminster.

We got the camera out while Charlie was standing right in front of the TV, staring at the dogs. He circled and laid down on the floor right when we got the camera ready, so the picture sucks. But it was hilarious to see Charlie watching his own kind on a dog show.

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1 Liked it a lot.

Posted by: Nicole at February 20, 2008 08:01 AM (YHVU/)

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Lorie Byrd posted a touching story of finding old Valentines in her grandmother's belongings. I have had a similar experience. I came across some letters last year that my grandmother wrote to me when I left for college. She passed away in 2003 after a long battle with dementia, so it had been a long time since I'd seen my grandmother's true personality. Reading those letters brought back memories of what my grandmother had once been like and helped me remember her as a fiesty lady instead of the frail shell she was at the end of her life. I was so glad that I had those old letters from her.

Despite how attached I am to the internet age, I am still a fan of writing letters. I love old fashioned correspondence. And those letters from my grandmother are cherished.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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