My husband finished his MBA three days before deploying. He took a full load of distance classes every term in addition to his full-time Army job. He was always busy. And he finished the program and deployed, so I was really looking forward to having him home and having him to myself. No more homework, no more projects, no more me sitting alone in the TV room all day Saturday and Sunday while he worked.

He sat me down last night and said that he wants to start a new Master's Degree. Or learn Pashto. Or both. Either way, he warned me, he will be busy again. There go our Saturdays and Sundays.

I admire him for taking his professional development so seriously. But I can't help but feel frustrated that the thing I was supposed to be doing -- raising a baby -- hasn't happened yet and I keep sitting around waiting for my life to start. I could relate to Heidi's recent post about being consumed with the way life should have been instead of what it really is. I don't know what to do with myself besides sit around and wait for baby to show up. That's my only major life goal, and I've been twiddling my thumbs on it for two years now.

Maybe I ought to learn Pashto too.

Posted by: Sarah at 08:53 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 You really must embrace what IS. You don't have your baby yet. When you do finally have one, you will never have time again. You'll find that you can accomplish more things in an hour than you used to do in a day, and yet still never catch up. And you'll fantasize about all the wonderful things you could have done with all that time pre-baby. Absolutely live your life the way it is, even though it's not what you want it to be. I find myself in this battle constantly. When HD goes back to his Dad's house, I want to crawl under the bed and sleep until he comes back. I want everything to stop. Some days are better than others, but what I keep coming back to is that things are pretty damn good, even if it's not ideal. You're alive now. You're healthy now. You must live NOW. There are no guarantees that you will live tomorrow, that you will ever become pregnant again or that there will ever be another Republican president. If you wait for the perfect set of circumstances before you embrace life, you will never, ever truly live. I'm not admonishing you, I'm speaking as a friend who struggles with this same thing daily and doesn't want to see you drown in What If's and Maybe's and One Day's. I promise that on the days I'm able to embrace what I have rather than wallow in what I don't, things get just a little bit better. Ok, Polyanna is shutting up now. Thinking of you.

Posted by: Sis B at December 29, 2008 09:15 AM (0ScrO)

2 I get your point, Sis B, and I hate posts like this because then I always feel like I have to clarify everything: Yes I like my life the way it is (that's part of the problem, that the longer it takes to have a baby, the more I like not having one), yes I am fulfilled on a day-to-day basis with my job and knitting and blogging, etc. But there's something I just can't explain about how I feel these days, that my husband is still working towards goals that will affect our future and I am not. It makes me feel unproductive and stagnant. And we better freaking have another Republican president.

Posted by: Sarah at December 29, 2008 09:45 AM (TWet1)

3 I'm all for learning Pashto!!! :-) And that'd be a great activity to do together :-).

Posted by: kannie at December 29, 2008 01:15 PM (iT8dn)

4 Amritas (& Sarah) - Wow! Didn't realize Mr. Grok already had Persian - how cool! I was a (mediocre) linguistics major in college, so I'm more than a bit chagrined to admit that, while I know enough to be really enthralled by the mere mention of learning it & recognize the roots you mention, I haven't kept up with it enough to even sound intelligent, as "less academic" priorities have taken over life, LOL. But wow. I love this blog for SO many reasons! :-)

Posted by: kannie at December 30, 2008 10:20 AM (iT8dn)

5 I would definitely be frustrated as well, as my dh is currently mired in his masters I can imagine how irritated I'd be if he came home wanting to work on a second one when the first one has been such a time suck. Particularly on the backside of a deployment? I probably would not have been as kind, come to think of it. And I know very well that frustration of wanting your life as a parent to "start". I think finding something else to focus on as a goal would be a good thing. Go for the Pashto!

Posted by: dutchgirl at December 30, 2008 12:10 PM (rVkwX)

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I debated whether I should post that thing on sleep the other day. It seemed unnecessary to cash that chip on the blog. It also made us look like we had problems, and I never like to give that impression.

But if you asked me if we had any reintegration issues in 2005, I would've said that we didn't. A trip back through those archives reveals that we did indeed have a rough patch or two. If I hadn't documented them on the blog, I would've forgotten those tough days and said that we had no problems whatsoever. I wanted to document this issue too.

This reintegration, it is a tricky thing, even for solid couples. My husband is truly my best friend. We like the same movies, the same music, the same foods, the same TV. We're both stingy, both homebodies, and both love Krauthammer. I wanted to show that reintegration is hard even for couples who get along swimmingly. It's an adjustment. I wanted to document that, because to pretend like we weren't frustrated with each other was to lie, in a sense.

He's been home a week now, and we're doing much better. No more grumpiness. He's staying up a little later to be with me and I'm not asking him to stay up as long as I'd like to. We're meeting halfway and doing fine. I want to document that too, to keep a record of when we got back on track.

MORE TO GROK:

More thoughts at SpouseBUZZ.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:27 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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We hung out together every single moment
'Cause that's what we though married people do
Complete with the grip of artificial chaos
And believing in the country of me and you

The husband is walking the dog and I am on teh internets. I am learning to not want to be with him every waking second.

But we did go out together this afternoon. The husband had a very Happy Boxing Day...

But, you know, technically it's mine because it was my permit. I plan to remind him constantly that they are both my guns but that he can borrow one if he wants to.

Heh.

Oh, and CVG got me a funny Christmas present. She was bored of getting me knitting books all the time and decided this year to focus on my second hobby. Her husband picked it out for me, which I find phenomenally cute.

My boys are back from their walk now. Gotta go stick to him like glue again...

Posted by: Sarah at 10:39 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 And believing in the country of me and you What's your immigration policy? When will your second hobby come to eclipse your first? Now that Kim du Toit's offline, there's an online market niche waiting to be filled ... Gotta go stick to him like glue again... Insert appropriate sound effect here.

Posted by: Amritas at December 26, 2008 12:48 PM (miOrm)

2 "Funny Xmas present?" May I remind you that "this book can save your life!" Glad you enjoyed it...I gave hubs the same book, I mean, since he researched it and it was approved by him, I was sneaky and got a 2nd copy for him!

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at December 26, 2008 04:06 PM (C/w9N)

3 nice. It reminds me that I want to go shooting next month. Found you via milblogging. I'm a future milspouse, possibly milblogging milspouse. Hope you don't mind if I visit from time to time.

Posted by: Annie at December 26, 2008 07:59 PM (wfky/)

4 erlnnwj egoghf phnobwj http://riqjyb.com jbqojpf phnobwj

Posted by: ekejpx at January 06, 2009 11:52 AM (YtHZo)

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Today was great. My husband didn't fall asleep once! Heh.
We had a lovely day. And we just listened to this and had a good laugh.

SNL Christmas Song

Posted by: Sarah at 03:03 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I was just getting ready to head to bed when I noticed that my Christmas cactus has a bloom!

Last year, my uncle was trimming one of the plants that's been in our family for generations. I took the trimmings home and put them in a pot. The cactus has grown a little since I got it, but it has never bloomed before.

A Christmas cactus getting its first bloom on Christmas. Now that just makes me smile.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:11 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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AWTM blogged from her second honeymoon. That's hardcore, and I love it.

Actually, what I really love was when she called me the other evening and asked if my husband was home. She hadn't read about the delays yet. I love that she called me even on the night she thought my husband might have gotten home. She knows I don't have a Do Not Disturb sign.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You may tell me to stay away from the blog, but you know I won't.

And actually, it was my husband who sheepishly asked this evening if I would mind if he took a trip around the internet. It didn't bother me at all, because I had been trying to figure out the polite way to ask him for the same courtesy.

We've been having fun today, doing nothing at all. We went out to breakfast and took the dog on two walks, and I've been talking his ear off and cashing in some of those chips.

We are happy to be together again and to quickly slide back into our old routine. Except now we have two laptops. Think of the fun we can have being on the internet in the same room!

(And don't worry, Chuck. We're having plenty of fun other ways too.)

Posted by: Sarah at 12:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I was starting to panic a little that I got nothing constructive done today. And then I did some thinking and decided to throw the list out the window.

I see knitting and Futurama in my future, not vacuums and dog baths.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:22 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So T linked to my brain love post, and I realized that I have recently said that I only love my husband with my brain and that I don't want babymaking. Lest anyone think that our love is boring and passionless, I thought I'd point out an old post from his last deployment:

Anthology of Goofy Crap I Said to My Husband Back in 2000

We are mushy too, not just cerebral. I love him with my brain and my heart, and though I often quote that we "care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss"...really, I do love him with all those body parts too.

He will be home so soon...and I am thrilled.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:19 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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There's another thing that happens when my husband gets home: we have to get back in the business of babymaking. Frankly, I am dreading it.

My cousin is pregnant. When my mom told me, she said, "I know it will happen for you too someday." And I felt this flash of anger and snapped at her. Because she doesn't know that, no one can know that, and it feels like a lie when I hear it. It angers me up because I know it's simply not true.

I don't have any hope that we will get pregnant. I have lost all ability to think about the future. This time last year, when we were reeling from the first miscarriage, I comforted myself with the thought that we could end 2008 with a baby. Not even remotely close. I just don't allow myself to imagine what will happen in 2009. And how on earth is it already almost 2009?

I feel like I have been frozen in time for two years, watching everyone else's life keep moving on. We have no more goals to work towards besides having this stupid baby. Before we got pregnant, we wanted to move back to the US, save x dollars, and finish my husband's MBA; we reached those goals a long time ago. We have lived in this house for two years now, and it feels like I have no idea what we have done in that time. I can't believe it. I feel like my life has made no progress since we started trying to have a baby. That was the next step, and we just can't seem to get there.

And I just want it to be over. I joked the other day that it's like in action movies when someone gets shot and they still keep trying to fight back. I feel like I keep getting shot, but I'm the Good Guy, so I have to press on to save the day and ignore the fact that I keep getting shot. And I feel like I'm limping and dragging my way to some imaginary finish line where I kiss the girl and finally get to go to the hospital...and then finally I can breathe a sigh of relief and say "it's over" while the credits roll. Only I never get there. It's never over. That's part of the reason why 'giving up' is so tempting, because then it might feel like my life can start rolling again. If I stop letting myself get shot, I will stop feeling like I've been wounded.

I have managed to block a lot of this out while my husband has been gone, but his imminent return is has shown me that I really don't want to think about it.

I don't want to start trying to have a baby again.

Darla has been doing this for seven years. She is amazing. And I know it doesn't work this way, but I would choose for her to get pregnant first if I could.

Posted by: Sarah at 07:50 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 Well, with an attitude like that young ladyÂ…just kidding. I think IÂ’ve spent enough time here to know you donÂ’t literally mean some of what you said. DonÂ’t give up, (I know easy for me to say) we need people like you to procreateÂ… a lot. My useless 2 cents, (hey, what else am I here for) youÂ’ll probably get prego as soon as you stop stressing about it and within a couple days of your husband coming home. If not, the practice will be worth it. Besides all that, there should not be ANYTHING in the way of the joy of having your husband home from where heÂ’s been. There are many wives, girlfriends and widows who would gladly change cirmistances with you. I KNOW you know that but it seems it needs repeating. Lastly, I hope he doesnÂ’t read this post, I can only imagine what that would feel like, for many different reasons. But speaking as a guy thereÂ’s probably ONE thing, the one thing heÂ’s thought ofÂ…oh, a couple hundred times a day, on the very top of his list he wants to do first thing when he gets home and to have that spoiledÂ…(*cring*)

Posted by: tim at December 12, 2008 11:02 AM (nno0f)

2 How frustrating - wish there was anything that I could say beyond "I'm sorry", since that really doesn't help. I tried so hard not to get pregnant for years, and then when we decided to stop any form of birth control ... nothing happened. We obviously waited too long (I was 37), and since then I've decided it was better, for us, that our lives worked out that way. But I don't wish that for you, dang it! *sigh*

Posted by: Barb at December 12, 2008 12:02 PM (iaV9O)

3 I know what you mean, about feeling frozen in time, but for different reasons. I moved back to Texas 4 years ago this month. Decided to go back to school and become a teacher. Well, it's been 2 years now since I graduated with my M.Ed., and I still have no teaching job. There are things I didn't do or pursue because I thought "well, I don't know where I'll be once I get that teaching job". Now, I despair of ever finding one, feeling like I have wasted the last three and a half years of my life, getting to a point where I can't wait any longer for a teaching job, that I'll have to get a "real" job that will give me benefits, but that would mean I would likely never ever teach in my own classroom. And, while I've been doing this waiting, I felt reticent about trying to pursue a social life to find local friends, and what would be even better, a significant other. And, I keep being told by my (much) younger sisters (who pretty much still have their entire lives in front of them) that I'm too negative. And, re: a significant other, I keep being told "it will happen for you too someday", too, all prior experiences in the matter to the contrary. Nobody else seems to truly understand what I feel, in regard to both my professional and personal situations. As for your pending reunion with your husband, try not to stress about the baby thing, and just revel in the fact that he is back home with you.

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at December 12, 2008 01:24 PM (zoxao)

4 Sarah -- Adoption is a wonderful thing. Having "one of each," I know. Let your bitterness & anger go, and apply everywhere you can to give a loving home to a precious little soul who won't otherwise have what you can give. Don't get discouraged by all the turn-downs. The right one can come through for you. Especially reach out to Methodist Mission Home in San Antonio. They are fond of military parents.

Posted by: KansasNana at December 12, 2008 05:40 PM (O2Zo/)

5 I don't know if this will help, but your reaction to your mom is normal. I said the same thing your mom said to you to my sister when she was dealing with infertility. I was thinking I was being positive and encouraging. She looked at me and said, "Right, like you, who got preggo the first month you 'tried' BOTH times has ANY right to say a word to me!!" I was shocked that she yelled that at me, but once I apologized and she calmed down she explained to me that those things are NOT helpful and the best way to be encouraging is to listen to her bitch and then say "that sucks" and that's it. So, that's what I did. I also went out and got a book on infertility with a chapter for the relatives and close friends of those dealing with it. Eye. Opening. Everything that chapter said NOT to do, I was doing thinking I was being helpful. I read the chapter and came away with some good ways to be helpful that wouldn't make my sister feel worse. Sorry that got long. So, all I will say to end this long comment is "That sucks!"

Posted by: TracyS at December 12, 2008 07:10 PM (gNojb)

6 Sarah, Having walked a mile in your shoes, I do understand how you feel. While undergoing fertility treatments for the umpteenth time I gained weight and one of my uncles asked me if I was finally pregnant I felt like throwing something at him. My mother commented once that maybe it was better if I didn't try any more. I got pregnant, it was ectopic, had to have surgery. My youngest sister was pregnant and had her baby about 3 weeks after my surgery. Tried a few more rounds of treatments, I was angry, depressed, and darn near crazy. My wonderful husband and I nearly separated for a while because our whole existence was about our failure. The whole damned world was pregnant. Everywhere there were people having babies who didn't even bother taking care of them. And here we were aching to hold our child, but, couldn't have one. It sucked. And then one day.....

Posted by: Pamela at December 12, 2008 08:38 PM (zfLfJ)

7 there came into our lives a beautiful little blond haired blue eyed angel who wrapped her tiny hands around our hearts and refused to let go. Later still Anna came into our lives. Lori is 24 and Anna is 12 (Lord just give me the strength to go through puberty one more time). By the time Lori was 4 years old my mother was calling her Junior, because she acts so much like my husband. My family also say Anna is just like me, stubborn and determined to do things her own way. Lori has been married a couple of years and 2 weeks ago gave birth to our first grandchild, Isabella. I was in the delivery room with my daughter and son-in-law and I got to cut the cord. I love my daughters and granddaughter with every fiber of my heart. The anger, bitterness and depression began melting away the first time I looked into my babies beautiful eyes and those hurts have been healed many years. We got Lori when she was 6 weeks old and we got Anna when she was 10 months old and I don't think I could love them any more if i had given birth to them. I thank God daily for them. God bless you and your husband as you continue your efforts to build your family. PS..the first two weeks after your husband gets home, just have "fun". When the baby making starts "it" becomes a chore. PSS...Yes, this really, really sucks, but,try to find the funny in this situation. If you can keep a sense of humor you can deal with anything.

Posted by: Pamela at December 12, 2008 09:35 PM (zfLfJ)

8 Sarah, If you aren't looking forward to making a baby, then you're doing it wrong. You sound a lot like I did with physical therapy--every setback, every surgery meant more weeks/months of pain, starting over from square one, etc. I get that. The difference is you don't have transdermal narcotics and a support network of friends and family who won't let you quit. (That'd be pretty weird, too.) Now, on the bright side of things, Your husbands' swimmers will be much more aggressive when he returns home. Physiologically, it's a genetic means of making sure he (the dominant male) propagates his dna with his mate. Goes back to when we swung from vines or something. The swimmers are so aggressive they even attack any other swimmers they find (not that they will, but still.) I saw it on TV, so you know it's true, too. The guy who said it on TV even had a British accent, which automatically raised his IQ by 24 points. The only sure-fire way to get pregnant is to be 16, unwed, live in a trailer, and have unprotected sex exactly one time. Wanna borrow my two kids for a month this summer to see just what you are getting into? (sorry, snark slipped back in.) I would agree with the previous commenter not to forgo adoption as an option. I realize you aren't rich like madonna and can just go buy a baby, but there are plenty here at home. My best friend growing up (and someone who shares--almost exactly--my sense of humor--scary) was adopted, and I know several Officers who've adopted as well. I promise you this, however. I won't try to comfort you through this, I won't make excuses or begin to grok what you are going through with this, because I simply have no reference frame. But I will be your friend (imaginary though I may be) and a willing ear to bend when you don't want to burden your husband--or add any stress. I have no answers, only patience and concern. Plus, I'm a helluva pole dancer. --Chuck

Posted by: Chuck at December 12, 2008 09:55 PM (q4psF)

9 Sarah, It's different for you and your husband because you are trying to do this around his deployment and school schedules for this upcoming year. The pressure will be on. This just sucks.

Posted by: Mare at December 13, 2008 04:30 AM (APbbU)

10 Girl you know I feel your pain and frustration. That endless pacing in circles thinking what's next? That struggle between wanting to adopt and KNOW that you just don't have the extra to give amongst the evil monthly fertility cycle of 'why can't my body cave in after we ditch the meds and possibly produce one successful baby!?!' I love the support and hate it. I have a husband that rides that roller coaster while struggling to shoulder the unending pressure of the military's sometimes silly and sometimes expectations. You hit the nail right on the head! Chin up my friend. That man of yours wants you for hot body and poorly Lasik'd eyes and baby or not still wants to support you. Honesty reminds him that you are fragile and it's not always a simple thing to continually cope and mourn through. It's not the end of the world. Maybe first deal with the reintegration, talk with him, than see if you want to give it one last hurrah before chucking in the towel. I know sometimes that's all you can do. Always thinking of you and glad I stumbled into your blog so long ago!!

Posted by: Darla at December 13, 2008 04:49 AM (UcAbT)

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When my husband is gone, my bedtime creeps later and later. I have begun the process of pushing it back to where it needs to be to match my husband's sleep cycle. So Saturday was my last hurrah and I was going to go to bed early last night.

I let Charlie outside one last time, and I noticed he was spending a suspicious amount of time in the garden. We came back in the house, went upstairs, and he immediately crawled under the bed and barfed.

Had he mathematically calculated, he couldn't have done a better job of finding the middle of our queen sized bed. So I'm squeezed under the bed, my arm stretched as far as it will go, scooping up vomit.

Then I notice that the genius dog has also barfed all over his front paws. So into the bathtub he goes.

Guess who didn't really go to bed early last night?

Sleep shifting starts tonight...

Posted by: Sarah at 03:45 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 I'm LMAO. I'm sorry. I really am. But that's the funniest thing I've read all morning.

Posted by: airforcewife at December 08, 2008 06:53 AM (Fb2PC)

2 I thought my canines had the corner on the doggy brain trust market. I apologize. I'm sure it was because Charlie spent entirely too much time with Henry & Annie this summer. They were a bad influence on his mojo.

Posted by: Guard Wife at December 08, 2008 11:39 AM (N3nNT)

3 Sounds like motherhood

Posted by: Green at December 08, 2008 03:01 PM (6Co0L)

4 Good thing he is so darn cute! I'm not sure it is any sillier than Moo eating a 3-pound bag of Starburst then puking on the bed. He probably just needs an extra tummy rub.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at December 09, 2008 11:59 AM (H+5RX)

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So far today, two people have said that they're worried about me and my general level of usch. I didn't realize I was that transparent. I have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders lately.

So I shrugged.

Tonight I swung through BK for a #12, I rummed up my Coke, and I'm sitting down to watch 300 and work on my awesome top-secret knitting project.

Seriously, how could I be in a bad mood with that lineup?

Posted by: Sarah at 01:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Now it is the month when my husband comes home from deployment.

I still haven't watched the Terminator movies yet because they are on backorder. Same with 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story, which has been in my queue the entire time my husband has been gone.

Seems we mouth-breathin', gun-clingin' rednecks are all lined up to watch our moving pictures.

But there's plenty of Redacteds to rent.

I also have been working a lot, since I got promoted right before Christmas and right when the only other person who can do my job had back surgery. Oh well, a few more hours gives me a little more wealth for Obama to spread around.

Cynical today, eh?

Posted by: Sarah at 03:34 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 I got promoted right before Christmas Congratulations? Did I say the wrong thing? I don't want to anger a mouth-breathin', gun-clingin' redneck.

Posted by: Amritas at December 01, 2008 09:18 AM (+nV09)

2 We live to anger such people, to hear the last cries of the conservatives bemoaning the death of their Europpressive mythology. Rent Redacted. Of course it is whitewashed, but it is a necessary first step toward the truth. Perhaps by "Christmas" - a day no revolutionary needs - you will be ready for 이름 없는 영웅들. You will be mesmerized for twenty hours straight. The Dear Leader will be pleased.

Posted by: kevin at December 01, 2008 10:17 AM (+nV09)

3 I watched the first Terminator for the first time this last weekend. Then hubby and I rented that new-ish TV series, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and we've been watching it pretty much all weekend. It's not that good, but it was something. *shrug*

Posted by: Leofwende at December 01, 2008 12:18 PM (jAos7)

4 Leofwende, Now I don't feel so bad about having never seen Raiders of the Lost Ark. As for TV worth renting, I'd rather watch Sarah Tries to Grok. I look forward to the episode guest starring Ben Stein.

Posted by: Amritas at December 01, 2008 12:36 PM (+nV09)

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