In personal news, I have done all the normal fertility testing that they do. There's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with my husband. But we still don't have a baby. Fantastic.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:07 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 I'm so sorry... it really stinks when the good news and the bad news are the same thing. *thoughts & prayers*

Posted by: kannie at October 30, 2008 10:47 AM (iT8dn)

2 Part of me is relieved, unless their assessment is wrong. Part of me is alternately puzzled and frustrated. But all of me is thinking of you.

Posted by: Amritas at October 30, 2008 10:52 AM (+nV09)

3 Do you watch mystery diagnosis? I saw something that made me think of you on it the other night. Are all blood tests normal. Anything??? Something is happening. After all that, I just turned 72 last weekend so I can't remember what the diagnosis was!! Something about mysterious blood clots shutting off supply to the uterus. I am in the market for a birthday Yorkie now, to replace our almost 16 Yorkie girl we lost a year ago. I am still sure you will become a mother!

Posted by: Ruth H at October 30, 2008 01:19 PM (FAgoX)

4 Will they refer you to a specialist specialist? I'm not sure what kind of fertility doctors you're seeing but sometimes the frontline testing isn't enough to diagnose what's what. Their technical name for it? "Unexplained infertility" Lovely, right? It's like, I was under the impression that the DOCTOR would be able to explain this all...sheesh. I'm sorry. Like someone else says it sucks when the good news and the bad news are the same thing. I have my annual appt. with my OB/GYN soon. I'll ask him some questions...it will take my mind off him conducting his business on my business.

Posted by: Guard Wife at October 30, 2008 02:55 PM (eb8pN)

5 Sorry to hear the bummer news. Hang in there - I'll keep you both in my prayers. You'll have a baby soon!

Posted by: BigD78 at October 30, 2008 04:56 PM (PsV2e)

6 I hate to say that I feel sorry that your tests came back normal, but this is one of those cases where normal sucks. Wrong means something they can try to fix. I wish I had something to suggest but we kind of exhausted all the testing they could think of, too, and got nothing. Just focus on the fact that if they haven't found anything wrong, then nothing's wrong--meaning that things might go right just as easily. but in the meantime, exhaust the doctors. Make them run even the weird tests, and the things that they've ruled out but because you don't seem to fit the parameters....

Posted by: Ann M. at October 31, 2008 06:59 AM (HFUBt)

7 Get a dog and devote all your attention to it. (If you have one already, rinse, and repeat.) Once it's certain that it's human and its position in the family is unshakable, you'll have a baby. It never fails. Seriously though, I'll be praying for you.

Posted by: steven at November 02, 2008 01:46 AM (B+qrE)

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So there's a stock boy at my new job -- I'm gonna peg him at about 18 years old -- who I suspect has a crush on me. Last week he followed me all around the store, gave me a "how you doin'?", and wanted to know how old I am. The look on his face was priceless when I told him. And I figured that would be the end of it, but today he asked me if my band is just a ring or if I'm married.

I've probably been married since he was in middle school.

One of the girls at work says that makes me a cougar.

You know, when I was 16, I worked at a concert arena. I was one of the only females, and I was a good 30 years younger than most people working there. I can't tell you how many times gross 23-year-old roadies would come on to me. I used to get so annoyed at the unwanted attention at work.

And now, shoot, I want to hug this kid.

It has been years since someone has shown an interest in me. It is sincerely the most flattering thing that's happened in a long time. I am just tickled pink that this kid even remotely thought it would be appropriate for me to talk to him. I have been giggling all day.

Now there's an ego boost. Heh.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:34 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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how can I explain personal pain
how can I explain my voice is in vain
how can I explain the deep down...driving

I had myself convinced that I was going to have triplets. I had them named, and at night before bed I would have visions of myself corralling toddlers. I was kind of excited that we might breed at more than replacement rate. Twins was also acceptable. I got comfortable with the idea of multiples. Shoot, one was feeling like a let-down.

But I never prepared myself for zero.

Sure, I knew it could happen. Just like I knew two years ago that it was possible to have fertility problems. But it's one of those things that happens to other people. It wasn't going to happen to me. Because everyone I know who did the treatment I just did got pregnant. And since I have been pregnant twice before, and we know it's biologically possible, I figured this was the boost we'd need to make this work.

I never put any energy into thinking it wouldn't.

I feel so much frustration and ire today. I feel emotionally incredulous. I feel biologically sickened.

I feel like a failure. Squared.

I want to have my husband's baby. He's handsome, strong, tall, and fit. He's super smart. He's only been sick once since I've known him. He has perfect vision and nice eyebrows. His genes belong in the pool.

And we've been ready for two years. We have a stroller. We have a the paperwork for a rider on our life insurance. We have the baby names we picked out eight years ago. And yes, though it's been mocked, we have a nursery filled with knitted stuffed animals and blankets.

We still see ourselves like the end of Raising Arizona. But it's just as cloudy for us to imagine as it was for H.I. McDunnough.

One year ago today, I told you all that I was pregnant. Little did I know that we too would have "no return of the salad days." And last Christmas, I consoled myself with the hope that we'd have a baby in the house by this Christmas. Not even close.

And, you know, I am always the first person to try to keep things in perspective. To be grateful that I have a great husband and a nice home and plenty of things to be thankful for. But today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have.

And I probably should stop listening to The Violent Femmes, because that's not really helping anything.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:13 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 You are not a failure. I think the terms 'success' and 'failure' should only apply to outcomes that you can control. You've done everything you can. You have people on your side, no matter what happens.

Posted by: Amritas at October 20, 2008 10:49 AM (+nV09)

2 You are not a failure. I think the terms 'success' and 'failure' should only apply to outcomes that you can control. You've done everything you can. You have people on your side, no matter what happens.

Posted by: Amritas at October 20, 2008 10:49 AM (+nV09)

3 I'm so sorry it's all so sucky. I don't write about any of our baby frustrations for many reasons, and there's no way to ever compare situations, but I know how much it can all suck and there's just not much you can do about it.

Posted by: Beth at October 20, 2008 01:20 PM (NsxuH)

4 Hang in there, Sarah. You have a lot of readers pulling for you. (and this one is praying for you) Your stories help me understand what my sister and various friends are going through.

Posted by: MrPhil at October 20, 2008 01:35 PM (XsbFw)

5 "And, you know, I am always the first person to try to keep things in perspective. To be grateful that I have a great husband and a nice home and plenty of things to be thankful for. But today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have." Me too, and I have cried all day. And felt guilty for crying all day. But you know what, every now and then we have to admit this shit sucks and feel down about it for a while before we can get back up again. I don't know how you would feel about it, but the Military Family Life Consultants here are wonderful and understanding. I've gone to them on several occasions, and they understand better than my normal therapist the big issues and how they are compounded even more by deployments and other aspects of our lives. Thinking of you. I don't know what to say. Just thinking of you.

Posted by: Sis B at October 20, 2008 01:50 PM (U76K6)

6 ((((((HUGS))))) It is ok not to look at the blessings every once in awhile. I know of nothing else to say.

Posted by: Reasa at October 20, 2008 02:02 PM (2W7Iu)

7 Sometimes it helps to rail against fate or whatever. But it is hard to cry when there is no one there to comfort you. I know you appreciate all your blog readers and their hugs and sympathy but we are not a replacement for a baby to rock or a husband in the house to hug you. Maybe you can laugh again if I mention Abraham?

Posted by: Ruth H at October 20, 2008 03:09 PM (wWMQq)

8 Sarah, It may not help, but, there are those of us out here who know what you're going through. I remember and my heart aches for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will comfort you and fill your arms with love.

Posted by: Pamela at October 20, 2008 07:10 PM (9Twxi)

9 But today that's just not enough. Today I'm not content with the blessings I already have. You know, it's okay for that not to be enough. Sometimes it just hurts too much to do anything but feel the pain. And that's okay, too. Just ride the wave until it recedes and you can cope again. *loving hugs*

Posted by: FbL at October 20, 2008 08:23 PM (HwqvF)

10 There's not a whole lot I can say that hasn't already been said. You are entitled to feel the way you do and I say that from experience. There are some things in our lives that break us down like nothing else and it's okay. Life does, at times, suck. And, at Chateau L, it sucks big when it sucks. I have always had a tough time subscribing to "everything happens for a reason" and "things happen when they are supposed to." I still do, but when I look at Olivia, I'm reminded that was true, at least once. You will have a baby to love. A bouncing bundle of joy who will one day mock the knitted animals, but you will have that love. Hang in there, sister. There are a lot of prayers being sent up along with well-wishes and I'm sure some pixie dust is flying somewhere for you. Don't give up hope...it's coming. I know it is.

Posted by: Susan at October 21, 2008 04:07 AM (4aKG6)

11 Oh, Sarah. I'm with AWTM -- I wish I could come over in person. I'd bring homemade cheesecake, and homemade chocolate-peanut-butter-chip cookies, and my warm fuzzy kitty all squooshed in a blankie to cuddle in your lap for six hours. Would a virtual hug do?

Posted by: Lissa at October 21, 2008 05:49 AM (fHdl7)

12 I'm sending some virtual hugs, too. It's totally legitimate to embrace the suck once in a while. To get that all out, work through it, and eventually come back out the other end of it a stronger person. I'm praying for you, and I'm sure that some day you will have your baby or babies one way or another. Again, hugs to you.

Posted by: Emily at October 21, 2008 06:45 AM (jAos7)

13 i have stayed away because i don't think you want to hear from me with my baby stories and swear words for what you are going through. but i'm still here and i'm thinking of you

Posted by: Kate at October 21, 2008 10:51 AM (JIGe1)

14 I am sorry. I wish there was more I could offer besides virtual hugs and prayers and good thoughts. I wish I could just wish this away for you. I wish I could call someone, write an email, lobby someone on your behalf, pull some strings. So I pray. Lots. For you. And I'm sorry.

Posted by: HomefrontSix at October 21, 2008 09:47 PM (4Es1w)

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At the Milblogs Conference, during the tribute to our fallen, I mentioned Bunker Mulligan. Or, I tried to: I immediately choked up and barely managed to sob the words out.

It's been three years since the death of a man I never met, and it still hurts that much.

A while back, I found this old comment he left:

There are just too many things in this country I haven't seen to go wandering around the world looking for more. I still haven't been to the Black Hills, and I want to see Yosemite again. Washington is one of my favorite cities in the entire world--so much to do there. I've been four times and still want more.

I keep trying to plan a road trip from Corpus Christi through Big Bend to Vegas, then back along the northern route to the Grand Canyon, Painted Desert, then back to Corpus across the Llano Estacado and Comanche Country.

There will be time for golf when you get back!

He didn't get to do these things. We didn't get to play golf.

Mike is buried in San Antonio, and I had to see him while I was there. We located his marker and my friends stayed in the car as I got out to pay respects.

The sobbing started even before I saw his name.

I had tried to think of something I could leave there for Mike, but I couldn't come up with anything and was empty handed. My fellow SpouseBUZZ author Toad surprised me with the most perfect idea: he had brought a golf ball and a Sharpie for me.

I left Mike a little note on the golf ball and then sat there and wept.

I still miss him so much.

And I want this blog post to be better, because he deserves better, but I just don't know what else to say.

Damn, this weekend was rough.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:17 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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I am feeling better emotionally tonight, especially after a great chat with my husband. I told him that I really miss him and that, while I have had fun watching the debates with his friend, it's not the same. He said:

Husband says:
well when you've been in love as long as we have personalites start to merge
Husband says:
you become more or less one person
Husband says:
it's like talking to yourself

Yep, I miss my better half.

On the physical side, I feel terrible. I was told I might have "some cramping," but this is nearly as bad as the miscarriage. I did not expect to hurt this much. I hope it doesn't feel like this tomorrow.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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