December 12, 2007

HATE, AND GETTING PAST IT

A couple days ago, I started to hate.
I hated everyone I know who is pregnant. I hated everyone who already has kids.

People keep telling me that there's a lesson to be learned here, that God has a plan for my life. But I'm not so sure I like the changes that have come over me. In the past year, I have felt more bitterness, more jealousy, and more hatred than I have ever felt in my life. I have grown so angry throughout this process. Having a baby is supposed to be a wonderful experience, and instead I am full of rage. I can't help but think that this is making me a worse person, that I would never have felt these feelings if I'd just gotten pregnant and had a baby the easy way.

I don't like what I've become.

And then the doorbell rang, and the UPS man left me a package. Ginger sent me a blanket from Sew Much Comfort. And her son made me some fudge.

I started thinking, and I started crying. I don't deserve a Sew Much Comfort blanket. I haven't lost nearly as much as the people who normally get those blankets, and I sure haven't done it with much dignity. Here I am, being hateful and feeling sorry for myself, and I get the most selfless gift imaginable from the most selfless family on the planet.

I'm working on being a better person, I promise. I have to earn the right to have that blanket.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:07 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 265 words, total size 1 kb.

1 My suggestion is that you wrap that blanket around you tight and feel all the love that it contains. I promise that will help.

Posted by: Butterfly Wife at December 12, 2007 11:20 AM (K0acE)

2 I was going to suggest the same thing as Butterfly Wife. That blanket was sent with love, and you certainly deserve that.

Posted by: Stephanie at December 12, 2007 12:57 PM (kzbE/)

3 Hi -- I don't think I've commented before. But I've read your blog for a while. You have more dignity than you know, I think. But it's hard to see it in yourself. My friend, a minister, talked to me the other day about suffering -- about getting past guilt about our own suffering and allowing ourselves to see hardship in our own life and not trying to be above it simply because we know that other people suffer more. It's a hard thing to do. Anyway ... I read your blog when my husband was in Iraq. You are strong, and smart, and more dignified than many of us could hope to be. God bless, and I hope you are wrapped in the love of friends and family to get through this.

Posted by: Christy at December 12, 2007 01:50 PM (iVWCq)

4 You know, anger is one of the stages of grief. You are allowed to grieve the loss of this child. Eventually the load will get lighter, but it will take time.

Posted by: sharona at December 12, 2007 02:50 PM (BeRta)

5 Don't beat yourself up. This process, for me, was as much of a rollercoaster as anything deployment ever dealt out. I had never wanted anything more than I wanted a baby. I probably have not concentated more on anything before or since. I read every book, visited every doctor, tried every idea that even remotely seemed decent. And, still I held some pretty awful thoughts in my heart and mind than I care to admit. There are some people who, thankfully for them, wouldn't understand what you're talking about at all. I'm willing to bet, however, that for every one of them, there are two or three others who know what you're talking about and more. You are already a terrific person and these experiences will teach you a lot--it just really, truly sucks at the moment. {{{Hugs}}} from me.

Posted by: Guard Wife at December 12, 2007 03:05 PM (BslEQ)

6 As much as I know you hated opening up and writing that post... Well I am going to leave a comment I may regret... First off...we love you. Anger is part of the grieving process, without it, you cannot move forward. Loss changes your heart FOREVER, especially if you have not known real heartache. I will also say this, without trials or tribulations life is cake. Cake. Even with the great amount of perspective you have , there are moments in life that happen for whatever reason that we need to come out a better person. Most people that have no amount of suffering ever learn REAL empathy, or growth spiritually. You are learning what you are made of. And sometimes learning what you are made of, even those grimey feelings that bubble up, well we come out victorious, and more faithful. I come from a heart that says, that baby, no matter how small needed a loving hand, loving parents, and a home in someones heart....

Posted by: awtm at December 13, 2007 03:08 AM (LxlNZ)

7 ((Sarah)). When I read your post this morning I recognized that feeling. Oh so well. The hate will lessen, but it will never completely go away. At least it hasn't for me. Even today, I still find myself angry with people who take their fertility for granted, or worse, treat it as a curse. A close second is people who treat their children as a burden. I was sick to death too of people spouting platitudes about God and learning lessons... but looking at it from where I stand on the other side, I can tell you that I would not change the journey because the hatred gave way to the most unbelievable love for my child. So you go on and hate. Don't shortchange yourself your feelings because you "shouldn't" feel that way. Your feelings are your own. You'll get through them in your own way, in your own time.

Posted by: dutchgirl at December 13, 2007 04:27 AM (i1RnJ)

8 I will be repeating what some of the others have said. But, for heaven's sake cut yourself some slack. You are grieving, whether anger is part of the process, I cannot say because I haven't been in your shoes. But from my shoes I say, go ahead, be angry, just don't let it consume you. You have every right to say "Why me?" and be angry that it IS you right now. And then accept all the love that is coming your way. One does not negate the other. Also, remember, your hormones are really messed up on top of everything and they do effect the emotions.

Posted by: Ruth H at December 13, 2007 08:42 AM (KyYN6)

9 I think this is normal. Or, at least I know you aren't the only one. I am the same way. I don't think it makes us bad people. Just grieving. If anger is what you need to feel right now, it's OK. You're allowed.

Posted by: Ann M. at December 13, 2007 02:48 PM (HFUBt)

10 So - you are normal after all! yeah, normal. You get to hate, be angry, anything you need or want to do. As for god's plan - make your own. platitudes - exactly that, useful for short messages and not having to think. anything else? nope. You need to get through this process YOUR way. counseling if you want it, and have found it useful in the past. tears, yelling, in private (only because sometimes it's not so cool to lose it in public) it's all up to you. Sarah - you are NOT superwoman. You can't be that, because you are a human being, and we are prone to feelings (appropriate/inappropriate) and doing what we want. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel. LAW

Posted by: liberal army wife at December 14, 2007 01:20 AM (R+g0A)

11 You have a right to your feelings, remind yourself of that. We do love you and there is no judgement from others. So please, please, don't judge yourself for the 'normal' emotions and feelings that you are having. It is a process and a rollercoaster. You don't have to embrace 'the suck' in all situations, sometimes we just have to allow ourselves, give ourselves permission, to go along the road, see what it offers, feel whatever it brings us and be with that moment, that day. Even if it isn't rosey, the process will bring you to a better place later. I know that doesn't help in the moment, along the road, but I love ya and am sending you hugs!!

Posted by: LMT at December 15, 2007 05:45 AM (y9taJ)

12 I know. You are living through the hell that I was going through when I posted that comment that 'ended' my happy relationship with you. I totally understand where you are.... Unfortunately.

Posted by: Allicadem at December 22, 2007 04:40 PM (tZAKC)

13 I know. You are living through the same hell that I was going through when I posted that comment that ended our happy relationship. Unfortunately. Sometimes things just fuckin suck.

Posted by: allicadem at December 22, 2007 04:51 PM (tZAKC)

14 I didn't mean to post two -- the first one gave me an error so I assumed it didn't post. Oh well. Sorry.

Posted by: allicadem at December 23, 2007 12:03 PM (tZAKC)

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