February 15, 2009

BABY MAMA

Last night the husband and I watched the movie Baby Mama. We had thought about seeing it for a long time but we weren't sure if it would make us laugh or make us depressed. It turns out that it made me laugh until about the last ten minutes. Then I hated it, choked back tears, and wanted to strangle someone.

Spoiler alert: I am gonna talk about the end of this movie. So here's how I thought the movie should end: Tina Fey meets Greg Kinnear's 12-year-old daughter and realizes that she can be happy just being a mother figure to this young girl, while also being in Stefani's life (ha, hilarious name choice, by the way.)

Instead, they made her have a whoopsie pregnancy.

Oh hey look, infertility is all about happy endings! She was trying so hard to have the surrogate baby that she didn't realize she'd gotten pregnant by the man of her dreams. And no miscarriage or nothin', she just had smooth sailing and the fairy tale ending of her own.

I hated that ending. God, I hated it.

After the movie, the husband and I were talking about the folk wisdom that once you adopt/give up/relax, you'll have a baby. Everyone has a story about someone they know who had that miracle pregnancy after they had exhausted all hope. Well, you know what? I know a couple, friends of my parents. Here's their story: They tried and tried and did every fertility test and treatment known to man, and then they gave up and relaxed...and never ever had a baby in their entire lives. No one ever tells that story, do they? No one ever says: I know this couple, they adopted a girl from China, and they never ever got pregnant with a child of their own, isn't that wild?

But Tina Fey got her one-in-a-million baby in the end. I think that makes a mockery of people's real struggles to have children.

I liked so much about this movie, but the end soured it for me. I much prefer the end of Raising Arizona. It makes me cry too, but in a much better way.

It reminds me to try to hang on to hope...when I have been feeling pretty hopeless lately.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:22 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 A shite ending to be sure. Mark really likes saying what Stefani says when the natural birth proponent asks who is gonna use evil bad numbing drugs. Like if you were to ask him 'Do you want some chocolate milk?', he would give that as his answer. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?! I cannot attempt to spell that. I can but I keep erasing it. And I really hate the RELAX RELAX RELAX advice. Is there a person on the planet who hears that without their blood pressure rising?

Posted by: wifeunit at February 15, 2009 07:09 AM (t5K2U)

2 Yeah, I thought the ending was cheap too. I thought it was good when she told Amy Pohler's character, "um, no, we probably won't ever see each other again", just before they went to the hospital. That was real. And then it went downhill from there...

Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at February 15, 2009 07:50 AM (irIko)

3 Dear Wifeunit, I know you hate the relax advice but study after study after study has proven that relaxation techniques improve your chances of conceiving. The reality is that these techniques may not work for you and you may never have children. I guess you have to decide for yourself how you'll handle your future if that's the case. Yes, people say a lot of stupid things to try to make you feel better. They are trying to offer hope. They are trying to express the fact that they love you and care about you and hurt for you because you are so unhappy that you don't have a child in your life. The only thing I consistently hear from people who have infertility issues is that they don't want to hear about hope. So when someone brings it up now I just smile, wish them the best of luck and change the subject or gently remind them that sex, politics and religion don't make for polite dinner discussion.

Posted by: mare at February 15, 2009 08:06 AM (APbbU)

4 I just love the movie "Raising Arizona." When you think about it, kidnapping a child is our favorite movie? Well, yes it is. It is such a touching movie. As for relaxing, what can I say. Apparently it does work for some people. But who can say who that will be? It happened for neighbors of ours who had never even tried because they thought when they got married, 15 years before she would never be able to conceive. They just call it a miracle, I think it must have been. I have known of one case where a woman conceived after adoption and in that case she went on to have another child years later. There are so many different and combined reasons for infertility. One good thing we do know about you , Sarah, is that you can conceive. It's not easy and it hasn't lasted but it has happened. That is your hope. And it is also a grief. I didn't mean this to be so grim. Sorry.

Posted by: Ruth H at February 15, 2009 09:18 AM (4eLhB)

5 I dunno. I myself was the "miracle baby" that happened "just as my parents were about to adopt" ... and ended up being the first of five ... I don't know, both kinds of stories need to be told, because both happen. Some people get that kind of miracle, I guess; some don't. And I don't really know why. And I guess it must be really, really hard for the people who don't know how their story is going to end ... whether they will get the miracle baby, or not ... the whole choose your own adventure thing again, where the choice isn't yours ... for us, we haven't started trying yet ... I'm on the pill until I get out of school, but right after that we're going to start trying, and I have NO idea how easy or how hard it will be. I don't know. But even if you don't want to hear about the possibility of a "happy ending," I still want to hope and believe for you.

Posted by: TW at February 15, 2009 10:54 AM (ZfS8j)

6 Oh. And I haven't seen the movie, so I don't know if the miracle ending was really cheesed up and unrealistic even if that kind of thing does happen on occasion in real life.

Posted by: TW at February 15, 2009 10:56 AM (ZfS8j)

7 TW -- I get it; my mother was that miracle baby too. (Her older brother is adopted.) What I object to is when people use those anecdotes as evidence that everything works out in the end. There are plenty of stories that don't have happy endings; it's just that no one tells those stories. And yes, I am at the point where I don't know how my story ends. It looks bleak now, but perhaps it will all work out in the end. But I just hate when people assure me that I will have a happy ending. There is no reason to automatically conclude that.

Posted by: Sarah at February 15, 2009 11:04 AM (TWet1)

8 Well that's not right, no one can assure you of anything in life. Personally I respond on a gut level more to empirical evidence and actuarial data. Perhaps science has tried to sell hope when they should not be in that business at all. I'm just saying is that there are people out here hoping for you for a good outcome. I hope that you have a happy ending. And that ending was a cop out but what do you expect from Hollywood. Though I do expect better from Tina Fey.

Posted by: Mare at February 15, 2009 12:16 PM (APbbU)

9 And on another grim note - they are called miracles because they are so rare. My personal opinion though is that any baby is a miracle and a blessing.

Posted by: Ruth H at February 15, 2009 02:36 PM (4u82p)

10 In all honesty, I do know a couple, friends of my parents, who suffered through infertility, and never did have kids. They are wonderful people, and chose to do other things with their lives since they were never able to become parents. But I also know a couple, my husband's aunt and uncle, who tried for 8 years before she quit her high-stress job and they took a long vacation, after which she found out she was pregnant with the first of their 3 children. It happens differently for all sorts of different people. There is no normal, typical, expected solution for anybody. And I agree, every baby is a miracle - I only wish all the miracles happened to people like you who deserve them, and not to the crackheads and teenagers who don't. Regardless, I will still keep praying for your little miracle to come along.

Posted by: Leofwende at February 15, 2009 05:28 PM (28CBm)

11 My sister struggled with infertility and I said everything I shouldn't. I thought I was being helpful until she sat me down one day and told me to STFU and just listen. She said that me (fertility of a rabbit) saying those things just made it 1,000 times worse. Lesson learned here! So, while people that say that annoy you, they say it out of love. If you know them well enough, do what my sister did and tell them how it does NOT help you at all. I then took myself to the library, found a book on infertility that had a chapter in it for those trying to support someone going through it. I read that chapter, my eyes were opened to the dumb things I was saying. I changed how I supported her and things were much better. I am purposely leaving out my sister's "ending" because it may or may not be your ending. Know that people are praying for your ending to be what you want it to be.

Posted by: Tracy S at February 15, 2009 07:13 PM (gNojb)

12 Yeah, I hate it when people tell people with fertility issues that they simply need to relax and everything will happen for them. Seriously? Most of the time it's the people that have never been through it that are the ones saying relax. They've never been the ones sitting there wondering if they will ever get that chance to feel a baby move within them, will they ever get a chance to have that "moment" when they finally pee on that darn stick and see what they want to see. I'm still hoping for you...I will continue to do so on your behalf, so that on those days when you can't, someone out there will be hoping for you!

Posted by: Stacy at February 16, 2009 08:58 AM (d3Lw1)

13 oh okay. I see. Yeah, if they happened to everyone they wouldn't be miracles. I guess people say those things because some people are happier when they can convince themselves that it is going to happen, in spite of the chance that it might not. Some people find comfort in that sort of blind optimism.

Posted by: TW at February 16, 2009 07:55 PM (ZfS8j)

14 I think I mentioned that I already watched this as well. Doesn't that ending totally bite? But yet the first many points totally reminds me of your book preview in a way!

Posted by: Darla at February 17, 2009 02:29 PM (LP4DK)

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