I sit on the funny panel at SpouseBUZZ Live and hate everything that comes out of my mouth. I am like Chris Farley in those old SNL skits -- "Idiot! I'm so stupid!" -- after everything I say. I don't like being funny. My peeps bring teh funny, not me.
And I don't do impressions. I don't even have a Cartman or a Slingblade. I can't do it.
With apologies to Rachel Lucas for stealing her line, they need to legalize gay marriage so that Kristen Wiig can be my wife.
This is for you, AWTM.
Every time we go to one of these SBL weekends, someone will ask me what I did. Did you see the Space Needle, Did you see the Alamo? I don't seem to be able to explain that the only thing I care about is being with my friends. In the swank Hotel Murano or the ghetto fabulous Sahara, I just want to be in my gulch.
1
I thought you wanted gay marriage legalized, so you could marry me...
I am gonna shank this Kristin !
Posted by: awtm at November 17, 2008 05:39 AM (e4NmX)
2
Ummm, AWTM...it was during the conversation at the lovely bar that you proposed to me. Remember? It was also during the conversation where we talked about relocating to the Ute, though, so maybe you just forgot?
The plan was: you, me, clean house & the men at a shared dwelling for heavy lifting and, ahem, other services.
Posted by: Guard Wife at November 17, 2008 10:20 AM (2QRRp)
3
well 3 of us can marry....
it is not like there are not laws and stuff...
Sarah knit us sweaters and ponchos
I can get rejection letters and wall paper the bath
you can be our lawyer...because we will need representation as a 3 married ladies
Posted by: AWTM at November 17, 2008 01:09 PM (e4NmX)
4
Yeah, can I just tell you...when AWTM asked GW to be her wife, I was feeling pretty left out.
Posted by: Sarah at November 17, 2008 01:32 PM (TWet1)
HEH
I recorded SNL from Saturday but hadn't watched it yet. Holy cow, Ben Affleck did a hilarious impersonation of the crazy that is Keith Olbermann. I almost feel sorry for laughing at him when he had a butt for a face. Almost.
And John McCain was quite funny, especially the campaign strategies. He should just show up on SNL periodically; he always makes me laugh on that show.
TIME FOR A LAUGH
Amritas says, "Varifrank talks about change I can believe in!"
“A new President has been elected. Well that aught to teach him…”
The Office of the Presidency is a cruel inhumane joke that we invented to trap our most agressive alpha males. They get attracted to the scent of power, and the find themselves trapped in the steel jaws of a governmental system thats designed on purpose to not work.
That's why everyone comes into the office of the President loks like a bright shiny penny and leaves the office looking like a bag of freshly hammered dog crap.
GAFFES
I liked this round-up of Obama gaffes. Shoot, even I know the difference between Sanford and Son and The Jeffersons. And I never watched either show growing up.
But this one from back in May I hadn't heard yet, and it's a doozy:
In Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Obama showed off his knowledge of the war in Afghanistan by honing in on a lack of translators: “We only have a certain number of them and if they are all in Iraq, then it’s harder for us to use them in Afghanistan.” The real reason it’s “harder for us to use them” in Afghanistan: Iraqis speak Arabic or Kurdish. The Afghanis speak Pashto, Farsi, or other non-Arabic languages.
You know, twice in the past week or so, I have made jokes about how $600 couldn't even buy earrings, and nobody got it. Once I explained, they were shocked that Michelle Obama had said such a thing. But they hadn't heard about it before I mentioned it.
1
Tell me about it. Many people go on and on about the $150K in clothes for Palin and her family (which she didn't spend, but somehow gets blamed for), but have no idea about Michelle's comment to Ohio mothers about feeling their pain and the $10K the Obamas spend a year on after-school activities for their girls...
Posted by: CaliValleyGirl at October 30, 2008 10:06 AM (irIko)
2
I watched both Sanford and Son and The Jeffersons growing up. I read Obama's quote and knew right away that "Weezie" was wrong, but I couldn't remember the right name. I only recalled that it began with "El." Granted, I watched a lot less Sanford than Jeffersons, but still ... I'll give Obama a pass on this one. Old sitcoms are a lot less important than some of the other things Malkin mentioned.
I can guess why that translator gaffe upset you. You know why it upsets me.
I hadn't heard about the $600 earrings until now. Seeing Michelle Obama's exact words -
http://michellemalkin.com/2008/07/17/michelle-os-stimulus-package-600-earrings/
- I'm willing to give her a pass too. It's not clear whether she thinks people should be buying $600 earrings. Sounds to me like she's saying, "take your $600 and get a little something for yourself." That doesn't necessarily entail spending all six hundred dollars.
Still, I'm glad you brought up these points. "Potatoe" (sic) is still remembered after two decades. It's hard to remember what one never hears about.
Posted by: Amritas at October 30, 2008 10:48 AM (+nV09)
3
You know,I was just thinking this morning about how Dan Quayle has had to pay and pay for one little mistake but BARAK FRICKING OBAMA doesn't even know how many states there are in the U.S. and he gets a pass?
Joe Biden can't keep his foot out of his mouth yet,the MSM doesn't call him on any of it.
Whatever! I am so over Democrats lately. I normally tolerate their views and listen politely,but right now I just want to say "Are you KIDDING me? Are you REALLY this clueless?"
Rant! Sorry S!
Posted by: MaryIndiana at October 30, 2008 12:25 PM (SRyvm)
SUCKER FOR ADVERTISING
I am the absolute worst sucker for food advertising. A pizza commercial comes on, and I want pizza. I see a Blizzard on TV, and I want one. It's become a running joke in our household that if there's food on TV, I will want it.
I just watched last night's South Park, and I immediately had a craving for Chinese food. I had to google to even find a restaurant around here.
Mmmm, that was a good treat.
Good thing this only works on me for food; otherwise, I'd be at the Tahiti Village timeshare or tangled up in a Bow-Flex. And working for T. Boone Pickins.
CHOPPED LIVER
Guard Wife also spent Saturday at the gun show, but she apparently got leered at. Not fair! I didn't get leered at.
But AWTM wasn't here to do my make-up, so that's probably why.
1
Those are reasons to celebrate. I'll eat cake to that
Posted by: Sara at September 09, 2008 06:25 AM (SZeN8)
2
You crack me up. I'd have a piece of cake if we lived closer.
Posted by: Guard Wife at September 09, 2008 06:57 AM (F5iCn)
3
I hope we donÂ’t have to eat that cake for awhile. I want him to suffer an excruciatingly slow, painful death. Just like the North Korean political prisoners who have been horribly brutalized and the other citizens of that medieval country who died of starvation and the like.
Eff you Kim Jong-Il, I hope you find yourself drooling and defecating on yourself while your brain slowly fades well into the ripe old age of 130. You miserable wretched bastard.
Hopefully, the next guy will not be worse.
Posted by: tim at September 09, 2008 08:28 AM (nno0f)
(INSERT VOICE)
I just realized that my husband and I have to do this funny thing when we write emails and letters while he's deployed. We have so many inside jokes and quotes from animated shows, so we have to write in the parenthetical voice clues. Like I have to write: Weak, lame (Cartman voice). Or, as I just wrote in a letter an hour ago: I got this in Parade Magazine (Stewie voice). And my husband just sent me this: I'm from the future! (Reno 911 voice)
I find it hilarious that we both do this so often. It also reminds me of something my French "cousin" said when he lived in the US. My brother asked him what the hardest part about making friends is, and he replied that Americans are constantly quoting things. We drop quotes from songs and movies and The Simpsons into everything. He often had a hard time following conversations because it would take him a while to realize a quote was being made. So my brothers and I tried to take him on a crash course of quotable stuff, which at the time included Friday and Swingers. It was hilarious.
My cousin would have serious trouble hanging out with my husband and me. Our relationship is one big string of quotes.
1
I think I mislead you, my dad turned 49, but my dad's friend turned 42. He had me when he was 26 years old - I'm 23
Posted by: Sara at August 11, 2008 02:04 PM (lS9hT)
2
You know what, you're right. I totally only saw the email message with your comment and I forgot what I wrote on that day. Either way, my math is still right lol His friend turned 42 so I thought that was what you were commenting on. whoops
Posted by: Sara at August 11, 2008 02:08 PM (lS9hT)
3
"intersting, very interesting" (insert gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein voice here...)
Posted by: awtm at August 12, 2008 05:18 AM (+RMdC)
There had been reports that Iran would compete against Israel at these Olympic Games for the first time since the 1979 Islamic revolution.
The Iranian National Olympic Committee (INOC) had said that as there was "no face-to-face situation" in swimming there would be no problem in attending the competition.
"Alirezaei swims in lane one and the representative of the Zionist regime (Israel) in lane seven, so they will not face each other," INOC secretary Ali Kafashian told ISNA news agency prior to the race.
Racists crack me up.
Also, something that would've been so skeezy if the last president had done it is so cute when this one does.
HA
So the bio of Benjamin Franklin I've been listening to? Yeah, that's not a sustainable activity. FbL had a good alternate suggestion: listen to stand-up on youtube. I ended up on the most hilarious thing, Dennis Miller interviewing Dana Carvey. The Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart thing was priceless.
P.S.
Sarah Silverman just has the most perfect delivery. I can't listen to any more of her because I can't not watch her. Her face, it is delightful as she makes jokes.
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The other day, I set my purse down in the living room and walked down the hallway. A minute later, I hear the cell phone ringing. I run down the hall, rummage through my purse like a madwoman, and grab the cell phone right as it stops ringing. I recognize the displayed number as my husband calling from Iraq. And I'm standing there with the cell phone in my hand as he's leaving a voice message. No way to call him back or to let him know that I'm stupidly holding the phone.
That's excruciating.
I sent him an email later, saying that I was dying as he left that message, and that if he ever doesn't reach me on the cell phone in the future, he should hang up and try back one more time. Chances are I'm rummaging through my disaster of a purse, which is always what happens when my phone rings.
So a day or two later, he calls again and I miss it, but he calls right back. After we get off the phone, I go to my voicemail and hear what he left after the first call: a sing-songy teasing voice saying, "I'm not calling back -- you shoulda gotten to the phone in time! Just kidding..."
My husband's got jokes.
After I came up with that post, I went outside for a moment and my husband called again and I missed him. This voicemail said sarcastically, "You'd think with your new eyeballs you could find your phone faster."
That man.
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TEH FUNNY
Well, this cheers me up today. I clicked on Instapundit and my heart literally skipped a beat when I saw that Mark Steyn was hosting the Rush Limbaugh show today. I ran to the radio.
I am not what you would call outdoorsy. If I wanted anything that was outdoors, I'd hire someone to bring it inside where civilization lives. [...]
Anyway, on my recent trip to Branson, we were staying at a hotel with both an indoor and an outdoor pool and spa. You already know which one I used. As I sat in the hot tub, inside the air conditioned building, I realized I was a full two layers away from nature, and I liked it. The air conditioning protected me from the heat outside, and the warm water of the hot tub protected me from the air conditioning. In time, the hot tub became too hot, and I wished I had some sort of thermos suit I could wear to take the edge off.
UPDATE:
I guess I ought to specify: they were fits of laughter. Maybe I have a weird sense of humor, but I thought that was darned funny. Take that, Al Gore.
1
Metrosexual femboy. ItÂ’s pervasive in our society. (Notice all the Obama supporters).
Sarah, when you have a boy, and you will, please donÂ’t let him be like that clown.
Posted by: tim at July 11, 2008 08:18 AM (nno0f)
2
Update: My original comment still stands.
I can actually hear the lisp in his writing.
Posted by: tim at July 11, 2008 09:42 AM (nno0f)
3
Oh yes, I heard him too. He did me a lot of good with laughter. He has such a way with words. And his riff on J Jackson was so good, he really got a lot of that in. Too bad he is from Canada I've vote him for pres anytime.
Posted by: Ruth H at July 11, 2008 11:11 AM (FAgoX)
HAHAHA
I talked to ArmyWifeToddlerMom this evening. She is unable to get online at her father's house, so she has been in non-internet limbo for a long time now. She's itching to get back. And I'm itching to hear from her again, because she always kills me.
One of AWTM's charms is her filthy mouth. Sadly, she's now going to have to curb her enthusiasm, especially for her favorite insult. Her son, Sir Rowland, is apparently cut from the same cloth as she is, and his inner-AWTM is starting to shine through. They were eating in a restaurant the other day and the waiter took a really long time to bring the kids their plates. As the waiter handed her son his dish and turned to go, Sir Rowland muttered under his breath, "Thanks, douchebag."
1
PRICELESS! I'd have to stifle laughter to be a good parent and try and correct the potty mouth... while at the same time wanting to record it and show it to the family.
Posted by: sara at July 09, 2008 02:36 PM (lS9hT)
2
I LOVE this story.
It is especially poignant to me after hearing M2 exclaim, "Holy Shiz-nay" when she ran into the house from a driving rain and slipped a bit in the entry...just like her Mama.
I truly need to meet SR and PN in person.
Posted by: Guard Wife at July 09, 2008 03:34 PM (ccp31)
3
Too damn funny! Littles hear, remember, and repeat rough language at the WORST possible moment! (remember the Lifebuoy soap scene from the movie A Christmas Story?)
1
Third time at the gym loosens up sore muscles and makes everything feel better.
If you figure out how to do anything with yarn while exercising, let me know! :-p
Posted by: loquita at July 09, 2008 10:21 AM (kZVsz)
2
Oh! I need to know that yarn thing, too!
Try the treadclimber! It burns more calories than anything!
Posted by: airforcewife at July 09, 2008 11:00 AM (mIbWn)
MAKING ME SMILE
I bought the ingredients before I knew I was pregnant, but hadn't gotten around to making it yet. Then I was pregnant and couldn't but now I can. So I'm doing two things tonight that I couldn't do two weeks ago: drinking wine and eating Chuck Z's tuna casserole.
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There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living. --The Count of Monte Cristo--
While our troops go out to defend our country, it is incumbent upon us to make the country worth defending. --Deskmerc--
Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, WWII, and the Star Wars Trilogy. --Bart Simpson--
If you want to be a peacemaker, you've gotta learn to kick ass. --Sheriff of East Houston, Superman II--
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind. --Jed Babbin--
Dante once said that the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in a period of moral crisis maintain their neutrality. --President John F. Kennedy--
War is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. --General Patton--
We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over. --Full Metal Jacket--
Those who threaten us and kill innocents around the world do not need to be treated more sensitively. They need to be destroyed. --Dick Cheney--
The Flag has to come first if freedom is to survive. --Col Steven Arrington--
The purpose of diplomacy isn't to make us feel good about Eurocentric diplomatic skills, and having countries from the axis of chocolate tie our shoelaces together does nothing to advance our infantry. --Sir George--
I just don't care about the criticism I receive every day, because I know the cause I defend is right. --Oriol--
It's days like this when we're reminded that freedom isn't free. --Chaplain Jacob--
Bumper stickers aren't going to accomplish some of the missions this country is going to face. --David Smith--
The success of multilateralism is measured not merely by following a process, but by achieving results. --President Bush--
Live and act within the limit of your knowledge and keep expanding it to the limit of your life.
--John Galt--
First, go buy a six pack and swig it all down. Then, watch Ace Ventura. And after that, buy a Hard Rock Cafe shirt and come talk to me. You really need to lighten up, man.
--Sminklemeyer--
You've got to kill people, and when you've killed enough they stop fighting --General Curtis Lemay--
If we wish to be free, if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending, if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained -- we must fight! --Patrick Henry--
America has never been united by blood or birth or soil. We are bound by ideals that move us beyond our backgrounds, lift us above our interests and teach us what it means to be citizens. Every child must be taught these principles. Every citizen must uphold them. And every immigrant, by embracing these ideals, makes our country more, not less, American. --President George W. Bush--
are usually just cheerleading sessions, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing but a soothing reduction in blood pressure brought about by the narcotic high of being agreed with. --Bill Whittle
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
--John Stuart Mill--
We are determined that before the sun sets on this terrible struggle, our flag will be recognized throughout the world as a symbol of freedom on the one hand and of overwhelming force on the other. --General George Marshall--
We can continue to try and clean up the gutters all over the world and spend all of our resources looking at just the dirty spots and trying to make them clean. Or we can lift our eyes up and look into the skies and move forward in an evolutionary way.
--Buzz Aldrin--
America is the greatest, freest and most decent society in existence. It is an oasis of goodness in a desert of cynicism and barbarism. This country, once an experiment unique in the world, is now the last best hope for the world.
--Dinesh D'Souza--
Recent anti-Israel protests remind us again of our era's peculiar alliance: the most violent, intolerant, militantly religious movement in modern times has the peace movement on its side. --James Lileks--
As a wise man once said: we will pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.
Unless the price is too high, the burden too great, the hardship too hard, the friend acts disproportionately, and the foe fights back. In which case, we need a timetable.
--James Lileks--
I am not willing to kill a man so that he will agree with my faith, but I am prepared to kill a man so that he cannot force my compatriots to submit to his.
--Froggy--
You can say what you want about President Bush; but the truth is that he can take a punch. The man has taken a swift kick in the crotch for breakfast every day for 6 years and he keeps getting up with a smile in his heart and a sense of swift determination to see the job through to the best of his abilties.
--Varifrank--
In a perfect world, We'd live in peace and love and harmony with each oither and the world, but then, in a perfect world, Yoko would have taken the bullet.
--SarahBellum--
Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free. --Ronald Reagan--
America is rather like life. You can usually find in it what you look for. It will probably be interesting, and it is sure to be large. --E.M. Forster--
Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. --Mark Twain--
The Enlightenment was followed by the French Revolution and the Napoleonic wars, which touched every European state, sparked vicious guerrilla conflicts across the Continent and killed millions. Then, things really turned ugly after the invention of soccer. --Iowahawk--
Every time I meet an Iraqi Army Soldier or Policeman that I haven't met before, I shake his hand and thank him for his service. Many times I am thanked for being here and helping his country. I always tell them that free people help each other and that those that truly value freedom help those seeking it no matter the cost. --Jack Army--
Right, left - the terms are useless nowadays anyway. There are statists, and there are individualists. There are pessimists, and optimists. There are people who look backwards and trust in the West, and those who look forward and trust in The World. Those are the continuums that seem to matter the most right now. --Lileks--
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
--Winston Churchill--
A man or a nation is not placed upon this earth to do merely what is pleasant and what is profitable. It is often called upon to carry out what is both unpleasant and unprofitable, but if it is obviously right it is mere shirking not to undertake it. --Arthur Conan Doyle--
A man who has nothing which he cares about more than he does about his personal safety is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the existing of better men than himself. --John Stuart Mill--
After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference." --Dave Grossman--
At heart I’m a cowboy; my attitude is if they’re not going to stand up and fight for what they believe in then they can go pound sand. --Bill Whittle--
A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship. --Alexander Tyler--
By that time a village half-wit could see what generations of professors had pretended not to notice. --Atlas Shrugged--
I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and everything seemed so shitty. And he'd say, "That's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." --Alabama Worley--
So Bush is history, and we have a new president who promises to heal the planet, and yet the jihadists don’t seem to have got the Obama message that there are no enemies, just friends we haven’t yet held talks without preconditions with.
--Mark Steyn--
"I had started alone in this journey called life, people started
gathering up on the way, and the caravan got bigger everyday." --Urdu couplet
The book and the sword are the two things that control the world. We either gonna control them through knowledge and influence their minds, or we gonna bring the sword and take their heads off. --RZA--
It's a daily game of public Frogger, hopping frantically to avoid being crushed under the weight of your own narcissism, banality, and plain old stupidity. --Mary Katharine Ham--
There are more instances of the abridgment of freedoms
of the people by gradual and silent encroachment of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations. --James Madison--
It is in the heat of emotion that good people must remember to stand on principle. --Larry Elder--
Please show this to the president and ask him to remember the wishes of the forgotten man, that is, the one who dared to vote against him. We expect to be tramped on but we do wish the stepping would be a little less hard. --from a letter to Eleanor Roosevelt--
The world economy depends every day on some engineer, farmer, architect, radiator shop owner, truck driver or plumber getting up at 5AM, going to work, toiling hard, and producing real wealth so that an array of bureaucrats, regulators, and redistributors can manage the proper allotment of much of the natural largess produced. --VDH--
Parents are often so busy with the physical rearing of children that they miss the glory of parenthood, just as the grandeur of the trees is lost when raking leaves. --Marcelene Cox--
