May 01, 2006
Must love knitting. And talking about knitting. And reading about knitting, swapping patterns, and making knitting jokes. Must get excited about figuring out a ptbl. Knitting ambition is required: applicants must attempt patterns that make me cringe. Also must be a knitting nerd: must think the binary hat and Fibonacci sequence scarf are awesome.
Must love the other domestic arts. Sewing is a definite. Quilting is a bonus. Cooking is required. Must love calling first thing in the morning to rave about what you made for dinner last night. Must love reading cookbooks, cover to cover. Cleaning skills are a must too. Must be able to help me figure out how to get make-up out of a wedding dress or dog pee out of the sofa cushion. Bonus points if every time I call you you're cleaning the oven, or if you clean radiators when you're bored.
However, mere June Cleavers need not apply. Must have a healthy sense of humor. Preference will be given to applicants who use the f-word while discussing antique apron patterns. I'll even accept devout Catholics with a verified sordid past. Must love Alabama Worley and still keep a copy of Emily Post on the shelf.
Must be a fellow right-wing nutjob, preferably heavier on the fiscal than the social. Must want limited government and refuse WIC. Must be accepting of homosexuals, hate al Qaeda, and argue back and forth with me about abortion. Bonus points if your biracial son thinks his heritage is "Irish." Must love George W. Bush but enjoy talking about the ways he's screwing up. Extreme preference given to military wives who nag their husbands about staying in the Army.
Must have freckles, huge boobs, and look great in flannel. Must be a NON-smoker. Cubs fans need only apply if they fit all the other criteria.
Oh, who am I kidding? No one will ever measure up to Erin, Kelly, and The Girl.
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