I have a relatively small blog. I won't kid myself that I can make a big difference, but I'd like to try something, with your help of course.

I just recently got a currency adjustment for my salary. Since the dollar is so weak and many people live on the German economy, we got an extra 4% of what we made last year. I didn't make that much -- since I only started working in September and I'm woefully underpaid -- and I don't spend much money on the economy. Thus the money is waiting for a good cause, and I think I've found it. I want to buy one of these:

When I read at Spirit of America that the 1st Marine Division is trying to raise money to buy sewing machines for women in Ramadi, I thought that this would be a good cause. I enjoy my sewing machine and have been learning to quilt, so it seemed fitting that I could use my currency adjustment check to help Iraqi women start earning money and making clothes.

However, I don't have the full amount. One industrial sewing machine costs $475, so I was thinking that maybe my readers could help make up the difference? I get about 100 page views each day, which means if everyone kicked in five bucks we'd have a whole machine. I know many of you have already donated to Spirit of America, and I'm already amazed at how giving you all are, but maybe you could spare another $5? Like I said, I don't have any illusions that I can generate thousands of dollars like other bloggers did, but I'd be thrilled to get anything I could.

If you would like to donate, visit the Spirit of America site. You can use PayPal, VeriSign, or personal checks. And if you do donate something, comment on this post and let us know how much you've given, so we can all see when we've made it to a full sewing machine. I'll make up the difference.

I hope I generate at least some interest with this project. I'll donate regardless, but I thought it would be cool to say that we here at trying to grok bought a sewing machine for the sewing center in Ramadi.

MORE TO GROK:

Yay for the participation! I just got an email from a reader who suggested that some might feel funny about putting an amount in the comments section. Feel free to email me and I'll put an "anonymous" comment like I did for the first person. And like I said, $5 is plenty...and no one has to feel bad if they already gave at the office!

Posted by: Sarah at 05:49 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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My comments section has been growing and taking on a life of its own since the Atrios incident. Yes, I still read all of the comments. No, I don't eagerly look forward to them the way I did six months ago. I've got arguments and insults -- plus headaches and sleepless nights, believe it or not -- because of the comments section. Reader cjstevens wrote a long and interesting comment here, and Sander wondered why I even bother to have a comments section.

Sometimes I wonder myself.

I read this post on Instapundit today about comments, and I certainly understood. When I first started my blog and all those readers came over from USS Clueless, I couldn't keep my eyes off the comments section. When I started playing with my templates and thought I had deleted my first week's comments, I broke into tears (ask my husband; he thought I was nuts). I thought I needed to cherish every comment I had, because I certainly didn't think anyone would want to read my blog once the novelty of Den Beste's link wore off.

Eight months and 55,000 hits later, the comments section has begun to weigh on my heart. What was once a spot for Carla or Mike or Tammi to shoot me an encouraging word has turned into gnawing dread in my stomach whenever I see the numbers climb higher. Every time someone comments, I feel the need to think about his words for hours. I try to understand where he's coming from, what he's thinking, why he thinks I might agree with him, and what I could possibly say to get my point across and make him see what I see.

A friend advised me to blog for myself alone, not for the adoring (or loathing) public. But every challenge that I leave unanswered haunts me. Every comment I disagree with is hours of my thoughts diverted elsewhere, when I'm sure someone else has already had the same argument elsewhere.

I've thought about shutting the comments off and just doing this for myself. I've thought about leaving them and letting them take on a life of their own without my involvement. I've thought about giving blogging up altogether because sleepless nights and stinging wounds are really the last thing I need when half of my heart is in Iraq.

I'm just stressed. And beaten down. I'm struggling to remember what the point of all of this is...

MORE TO GROK:

cjstevens, it appears the director of Gunner Palace will be on CNN News Night with Aaron Brown tonight (30 Jun). See if you can check it out.

MORE TO GROK:

Please keep in mind that I'm not necessarily talking about "abuse" here. Yeah, the comments were pretty nasty there for a while, but mostly now it's civil. It's just so much for one brain to handle.

My alarm goes off at 0630. Lately I've been dragging it out until 0700. I read for an hour, get ready, go to work until 1600, come home, shovel some food in my mouth, and go to the neighboring post to teach for three hours. (On nights that I don't teach, I'm watching Band of Brothers, which isn't exactly light entertainment.) I return around 2145 and then read and blog some more. I rarely make it into bed by 2300 and I'm lying there thinking about Michael Moore and Iraq and elections until midnight or 0100. I just can't shut it off.

Writing my own posts keeps me occupied; thinking of how I would respond to five different people who all have different ideas about Moore and Iraq and elections is making me insane.

So I apologize if you're a commenter and I don't give you a direct answer to your comment. It doesn't mean I'm not losing sleep over it.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:35 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 I shut down comments some time ago (it may be close to a year now). My feeling is that the people whose opinions I value know how to get in touch with me. People whose opinions I don't value are free to get their own blog(s) and disagree with me.

Posted by: Nathan at June 30, 2004 10:57 AM (1vqm6)

2 You do what is right for YOU. I was just reading thru the latest batch of comments and found myself getting angry for you. Don't you worry - if we want to get an encouraging word to you, or agree with any of the wonderful things you say, we will find a way!

Posted by: Tammi at June 30, 2004 12:08 PM (Kw/tP)

3 Oh, dear. Well, I always like it when a blog has open comments, as they're often fun or interesting to read. On the other hand, I read the blogs that I do because of the blog's author, not because of the comments--and if the comments are causing you too much pain, then get rid of them! Blogging without comments is much better than not blogging (or less, or resentful, or whatever blogging) with comments. Also, you could always open comments on those posts you really want feedback on (with strict rules about staying OT), and since you post a way to contact you by email, it's not like you're entirely unreachable. Regardless of what you decide, I'll still be reading ya!

Posted by: Carla at June 30, 2004 02:40 PM (r5M6F)

4 It just sucks when mean people come to your house and harasss you! Maybe you can turn off comments for a week or so and see how it goes. I'm not sure how long I would take the abuse. Just don't let it stop you from blogging altogether - that would really suck!

Posted by: Beth at June 30, 2004 03:30 PM (Atb1y)

5 Noam Chomsky turned off comments after three posts. He has since turned them back on, but you pay for the privilege. Could be a good fund-raiser!

Posted by: Mike at June 30, 2004 04:37 PM (MqNKC)

6 Wow. I am sorry if my comments have contributed to your problems. I am not really used to this single POV blog stuff. I am a more used to free-for-alls like USENET, kuro5hin.org and slashdot.org. I have always thought that posting a topic for discussion was just the beginning...that the comments were alway where the interesting stuff was. I would encourage you to make people sign-up for account and verify their email. Consider comment moderation as a way of controlling the trolls and keeping the signal to noise ratio high. I don't know if MT supports that kind of stuff, but it is worth checking out. I am sorry if I ruffled any feathers along the way...I don't want to cause any problems. I, for one, will be moving along. Best wishes to you and your loved ones.

Posted by: rfidtag at June 30, 2004 04:46 PM (nO9sv)

7 The Democrats ideas died with Clinton --- They now have nothing to believe in, nothing to be for, nothing to promote --- They only have resentment, hate, anger, and attacks --- They have focused their lack of ideas into an attack on Bush. I always ask them what their for, what they beleive in -- they always answer with an attack on Bush --- I then ask if Bush was gone would everything be changed and everything be "milk and honey" -- It is at this point they curse and call me names This is why you hear nothing about Kerry -- This election is all about Bush --- ANYONE could be running from the Democrats and the result would be the same ---- The Democrat Party has died --- it is now the anti-Republican Party --- anything the Republicians are for, the Deomcrats are against -- this is why they can say and do anything as the have no principles, no ideas, they are only anti-Bush The death of their ideas policy and future leaves only hate and anger AND this is why they write as they do to you --- it is they way they respond to anyone they disagree with --- as proof,,, do they offer any suggestions for improvement or a different couse of action? Retreat and do nothing never solves any problem but it was the policy of Clinton --- and it is their policy too

Posted by: Mikeee at June 30, 2004 04:54 PM (HM88F)

8 Wowsa, quite a schedule, and here I am sleeping most of my days away and tending to ignore my blog on work days. Very impressive young Sarah. Kal

Posted by: Kalroy at June 30, 2004 06:03 PM (VU2TV)

9 Just found this about "hate posters" at Andrew Sullivans site EMAIL OF THE DAY: "Your article about William Raspberry's review of Moore's movie is right on target. Unfortunately, as I can tell you as a black person, Raspberry's irrational views are shared by many black people. I've never seen so many people who I always respected and always considered to be intelligent say so many crazy things, "Bush is the same as Saddam." "Saddam was not as bad as Bush." "The U.S. is the worst country in the world to live in." I kid you not. In the meantime, not one liberal or black person has anything to say about what Arabs are doing to black people in North and East African. The whole thing is very disturbing. Objections to Bush and the U.S. as a whole have gone way beyond any realistic criticsm of anything that is wrong. It's just hatred and a wish for destruction, after which I guess we will all live in brotherhood under Muslim rule! I just listen to people. I've given up trying to discuss it. People become enraged and start telling me I'm a self hating black, Uncle Tom, etc." - more feedback on the Letters Page. Seems alot of people are being attacked like you--- don't give up then they win

Posted by: Mikeee at June 30, 2004 06:23 PM (HM88F)

10 Sarah, Thanks for your acknowledgement. The Internet is a wild and wooly place, and "ruffly" subjects like politics tend to bring all sorts of characters out of the woodwork. The blogging atmosphere is particularly confusing. Blogging is a way of reaching out to a readership because it is so public. For this reason, it's natural to feel that any comment made on an entry is directed toward you. I commented this way at first, but then started commenting more in general terms toward commenters and yourself without necessarily expecting a response. But I'll be totally honest: I can't say I know how you feel, as I've never been in your shoes. Maybe that should be a sign to me to take it easy. I apologize. I can somewhat-understand your mention about the "numbers climbing higher," though... here, when the number of comments on an entry bumps into the tens and twenties, one can bet there's a fire raging within. I would actually recommend the idea of turning off comments entirely, or having them on only for certain posts. The latter option may or may not be possible depending on what you're using to run your comments. Or, perhaps you can make an account on a bulletin board site and link to it from your blog, directing commenters to that bulletin board. In terms of writing just for yourself alone, a journal/diary/whatever-you-want-to-call-it may be a good idea if you don't have one. At least, it seems helpful for me (yes, I admit to having a "diary"). Thanks for your information on Gunner Palace. The CNN NewsNight page (for some reason, I can't make a link to it) states that the show comes on at 10pm eastern time. Unfortunately, I won't be around at that time, but it looks like a transcript should be up some time afterward. I'm looking forward to it. Take care, Sarah... thank you for your patience with us.

Posted by: cjstevens at June 30, 2004 08:14 PM (FdYMc)

11 Better than Gunner Place but not a movie is the new book Generation Kill. The embedded author spent serious time with the forward Humvees, an interview with him is at the link below. He tells things in the interview that are not in the book, apparently, so it is a must-read. It is great because he thoroughly respects the soldiers personally, and reports only what they went through, but in the end it is an indictment on the horrible mess there. No wonder only 2percent of Iraqis view the US as liberators. http://www.laweekly.com/ink/04/30/books-donnelly.php

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10 Things I Love About Others' Weblogs

1. the rotating photos of the universe at U.S.S. Clueless

2. The Dissident Frogman's movies

3. the disclaimer that pops up when you comment over at Bunker Mulligan

4. Kim du Toit's skin pics

5. Allah's t-shirt

6. the picture of the ever-cheerful CPT Patti

7. The Gobbler Motel

8. South Park Pixy

9. Amritas' blogroll

10. The propaganda posters on The Mudville Gazette

Posted by: Sarah at 04:38 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I read Sanders' comment here and then sat down to write and saw that Lyana had beat me to my point. But I'll say it anyway. I appreciate Sanders' point, but I think it's sad:

Nah, you worry too much. What's more, you take things said on the internet personal, which is kind of cute in a very naive sort of way.

Internet is just not comparable to everyday life, it's more anonymous, sharper and sometimes uglier. No one in the comments would ever call you clueless fucktard dumb to your face, even more so if they have any personal knowledge of you, but on the internet discussion often end with rude ad hominems. On the other hand, by dispensing with courteousness the arguments are more direct and perhaps more honest.

It may be scary at first, but you get used to it, after realizing they're not talking to you personally, but some anonymous schmoe saying silly things. Live and learn.

If the attacks are not meant to be personal, then what are they? They're not constructive. They're not educational. They're just insults, and insults are personal. Yes, I do take these things personally because I believe in decency and manners. I'm absolutely appalled that those 90 people don't.

I have never called anyone a name in a comments section. Only very rarely have I argued back with someone, and it's only ever been with another commenter and never with the blog host. I have never linked to what someone else has written and made fun of them or pointed out how wrong I think they are, even though the blogger who started this atrios-lanche has done this to me repeatedly. Once I wrote about some silly posts I read elsewhere, but I didn't provide a link to the site because I didn't want to send hateful comments his way. I don't think that's right. I can discuss the other person's ideas without linking because it's the ideas that need discussing, not whether the person is dumb as a hammer.

Yes, the internet allows us to be more open. I talk about things here on my blog that I can't talk about with many of my peers because they either vehemently disagree with me or they don't read the news very often. I'm very grateful that the internet has given me that opportunity, but it's come at a price. If we're losing all sense of courtesy and respect for other people's views and "space" (as in it's my blog and you've come to my space to call me names), then I think that's sad.

Many of those commenters from the weekend probably have kids. What if I printed out their comments and showed them to their kids. Look, Timmy, your daddy called me clueless fucktard dumb. And then I explained to little Timmy that his daddy called me that simply because he disagreed with what I had to say. That's a bad lesson to teach your kids.

My mother reads my blog. So does my first grade teacher. I try to conduct myself in a way that would make both of them proud because they taught me that showing others respect is important. It's a shame others weren't taught the same.

Posted by: Sarah at 11:28 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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I don't know how Andrew Sullivan takes a break every year; the hardest thing for me to do is not to blog. Everything I read, every encounter I have in the day, everything turns into a post; for the past eight months I've looked at everything in my life through the lens of a blogger. However, I think I need to take a couple of days off. I have a lot of thinking to do. I'll be back in a few days with a long post about my thoughts. In the meantime, read about The Soldiers You Never Hear About.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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My congrats to Bunker, who just got denbestelanched. When I first started reading his stuff, I thought for sure he must have a popular blog; I was shocked to find out he was just starting out and still had low traffic. He has such an interesting perspective -- prior service, both enlisted and officer, well-read, the golf angle, deployed sons, etc -- that I think he has something for everyone. I hope that Den Beste's readers agree and stick around for more than one post to hear what Bunker has to say.

And if you haven't read it, read Den Beste's post on heroes and Bunker's addendum.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:53 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Thanks, John. But how in the hell did I beat Belmont Club?

Oh, and I totally agree. Those who say we shouldn't wave the American flag at the Olympics can ___________________ (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive). Lonsberry has lots of expletives he's deleted as well.

And your rebuttals to complaints on the war are spot on.

Posted by: Sarah at 05:33 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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In addition to Tenacious D, I have found another soothing balm for my anger at the world. Two of my married students just got a new puppy, and they sent me a photo of him. I opened it this morning, and then left the window open -- that way I can read stuff like this, and when steam starts to come out of my ears, I quickly switch over to the puppy window and look at this little piece of heaven.

He works wonders for bringing my rage to a manageable level.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:26 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Sorry, I ran out of time this morning. I was too busy responding to grokless comments on Anders' and Bunker's posts.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:10 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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There's a funny meme starting where you make a Geek List. It's the top ten things you know way too much about to be considered cool. Rocket Jones did one, so now it's my turn. For whatever reason, I know a fair amount about these oddball topics.

10. LDS
9. Alias
8. statistics (the fun stuff like the Monty Hall problem or the Birthday problem)
7. Yukio Mishima
6. Armyspeak
5. Swedish language
4. rap music
3. Chief Illiniwek
2. knitting
1. the Karate Kid Trilogy

Posted by: Sarah at 11:15 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Tim from CPT Patti in Baghdad is experiencing technical difficulties today.
You'll just have to wait until he's back up and running to read his gems.

Posted by: Sarah at 12:01 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I've never explored my hits from google searches before.
It's hilarious.
How did I get a hit for "taco bell complaints" and "headband store in Russia"?

Posted by: Sarah at 12:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I think this morning I'm going to limit myself to writing about uplifting things. And, man, have I found something that makes my heart sing: the running totals for money donated by bloggers to Spirit of America. Three groups of bloggers, headed by Castle Argghhh!, Dean Esmay, and A Small Victory, are raising money for alternate media sources in Iraq. So far they've raised over $30,000! And bloggers are starting to auction things: an original Cox & Forkum, a picture from Saddam's palace that Chief Wiggles took, plane tickets, bayonets, everything!

I didn't join up with any specific "team" for the competition, and it's probably too late to join in since it ends Thursday. If I had been paying more attention to getting in on this, I would've knitted a sweater for the reader who pledged the most. Instead I will just have to encourage you to go pledge through someone else...

And now that I see how much money everyone else is giving, I have to go donate more! $30,000! Look at the impact we bloggers can have.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:58 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The only blog I read where I can remember precisely the first entry I ever read is Lileks'. It was his post on Ed Harris. Ed Harris, you say, Mr. Link on Andrew Sullivan? I like him. Let's go see what this so-called Lileks character has to say about him. How's that, Harris said something moronic? And this Lileks guy writes about this kind of stuff every day? I'm hooked.

That was January 2003. I've followed Lileks ever since; he holds a sweet spot in my heart, though he'll never know it. I listen to all the crappy music he makes. I look at all his regrettable food. And I feel a certain connection with him today when he apologizes for not making more time for his readers. And he means it, you can tell he really means it.

He makes me smile.

Posted by: Sarah at 03:15 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The moment you've all been waiting for: the before and after of my trip to visit Tim.
You can also read Tim's infuriating before on his blog.

I've had some extra thoughts since I got home. The funniest one is that my mother encouraged me to go meet a total stranger from the internet. I think we look at blogging in a different way than we look at internet dating...

Posted by: Sarah at 08:39 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Remember when Roger Simon went to Paris and met The Dissident Frogman, Merde in France, and Nelson Ascher? Man was I jealous. I wanted to make a blog trip too. I want to meet these people whose lives I follow every day, more closely than I follow any of my friends' lives.

So I bought a train ticket yesterday.

That scenario could lead me off in a whole different direction, by the way. I could talk about how I tried to put to use the German I've been studying and say Ich möchte am Samstag nach Frankfurt fahren bitte, and how the girl behind the counter gave me this exasperated look when my German wasn't as fast as she would've liked, and how finally I just gave up and let her do it all in English, and how I walked out of the train station fuming and wondering why I even bother to study German in the first place. But that's a diatribe for another day; we need to stay on track.

Last week I decided that I needed some support. When my friend remarked that my house is entirely too quiet and that she doesn't know how I can stand to be alone like this, I started to think that I'd like to spend some time with someone who knows exactly what I've been thinking since day one.

So the grokkingest girl on the planet is going to Frankfurt...to meet Tim.

We had planned to meet once CPT Patti returned, but after last week's extension and missions, I figured there was no time like the present to just make it happen. So I'm going tomorrow to meet my first fellow blogger.

I'm a little nervous, to be honest. First of all, I have no idea what Tim looks like! I referred him back to my sweater photo and told him to be on the lookout for me at the train station. He also promised me a big hug -- something I have not had in two months -- and I'm honestly afraid that I might break down weeping there in the Hauptbahnhof. But it might be the best thing for me.

The hardest part about making this trip is explaining to people around here where I'm going. Do you want to come over on Saturday? Actually, I'm going to Frankfurt. What are you doing there? Visiting a friend. Are you staying the night? No, just a day trip. That's eight hours on the train -- why not spend the night? Because it's probably not appropriate to get a hotel with someone else's husband and a man I've never met before. Wait, who are you going to visit?

Just joking on that last part; I haven't said that because I know how odd it sounds. I've circumvented the whole thing really, just saying that I'm going to visit a friend. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Blogging resumes on Sunday, starting with what Tim looks like...

Posted by: Sarah at 02:39 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Cool! Ask Tim if he'd like a real blog

Posted by: Pixy Misa at April 23, 2004 02:41 AM (kOqZ6)

2 Your opening line led me to think you were going to France. Your experience so far reminds me of my trip to Germany to meet a friend I had only known online. Neither of us had any scanned pictures handy, so we had to guess each other's identity at the train station. I did manage to get the ticket using Dutch for most of the transaction - the counter person and I broke down and resorted to English briefly, then switched back. I'd like to read your linguistic diatribe, but I do realize that's only a footnote compared to what awaits you. Looking forward to your report. Pixy, Your generosity knows no bounds. Thanks for helping David with Rishon Rishon.

Posted by: Amritas at April 23, 2004 04:01 AM (h6KqA)

3 Language...everyone wants to speak English. I tried the same in Panama, and finally gave up. In Costa Rica, in a tiny town, I finally put my Spanish to use. Have fun on the trip.

Posted by: Mike at April 23, 2004 07:21 AM (cFRpq)

4 Hello, could you all tell me your opinion of a few of my military heroes, Smedley Butler, Scott Ritter, and USAF lieutenant-colonel Karen Kwiatkowski? Click on my name if you need to know more about the latter.

Posted by: florian at April 23, 2004 08:28 AM (hgLPQ)

5 Funny...I'm heading to Germany to welcome my very lucky daughter from the 1/4 ADA, 1AD back to Germany...I thought about trying to look Tim up as well! He's kept me going this long last year, as have you. Hope your visit is wonderful! And please post a picture of this wonderful guy. Keep on blogging, it keeps us going.

Posted by: beckie at April 23, 2004 03:35 PM (AaBEz)

6 http://www.booksforsoldiers.com/index.php Link to it. You're the one with the military husband.

Posted by: Taron W at April 24, 2004 09:18 PM (s915e)

7 I remember the first time that the woman at the ticket counter answered me in German... It only took 6 months of buying monthly tickets, too!

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I didn't check my email until it was too late, so I didn't get to participate in the Right-Of-Center Bloggers Select Their Favorite Contemporary Dinner Guests over at RWN. The list sounds pretty good to me -- I wouldn't mind eating dinner with most of these people -- though my list would have leaned more towards bloggers. I can safely say I'd feel more honored to meet Victor Davis Hanson than Condoleezza Rice, more excited to eat dinner with James Lileks than Mel Gibson, and more nervous to meet Steven Den Beste than just about anyone in the world.

Posted by: Sarah at 04:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Only on the internet could a blogger come up with a great product idea and have it made, marketed, and sold in less than two weeks.

(Thanks, Overtaken By Events.)

Posted by: Sarah at 07:33 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Michele questions blogging. I can relate.

(Thanks, Beth.)

Posted by: Sarah at 04:25 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Pixy Misa from Ambient Irony helped me move over from my old Blogspot blog to my new mu.nu one. I simply mentioned in a blog post that I wanted to explore other options, and abracadabra he set everything up for me and welcomed me on over. Mu.nu has been great, and it's been easier for me than Blogger (e.g. comments included, search engine for site, uploading photos, etc). So if anyone is interested in moving his blog or starting up a brand new blog, Pixy has made an open invitation to mu.nu! There's always room for one more, and then maybe you can see your name in lights!

Posted by: Sarah at 07:19 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Yes, well, open to people who aren't complete barking moonbats anyway.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at March 27, 2004 07:31 AM (+S1Ft)

2 Can I be "the prettiest blog", or are you speaking of the site?

Posted by: Mike at March 27, 2004 08:07 AM (00IUf)

3 Prettiest BLOG, Bunker, not BLOGGER...

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4 Then you have to remove all pictures or it isn't fair!

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