August 11, 2009


I had to go to the bathroom.  The toilet filled with blood, and I looked down and saw the placenta hanging out of me.  I let out a whimper of agony...and woke myself up.

I am tired of the nightmares.

I am tired of living multiple futures.  In some of my dreams and daydreams, I get the call with good news about the CVS test.  I wait for my husband to call and happily tell him.  I finally update that I am pregnant on Facebook.  I have a big, round belly in my Christmas pictures.  I have a baby, finally, after three long years of pain.

And just as easily as I can imagine a happy future, I imagine the bad one too.  I get the bad news from the CVS test.  I have to decide whether to stay on vacation and attend my friend's wedding or drive straight home to come back to my doctor.  I have my mom call work for me and tell my boss.  And time stops there.  I can't see any life beyond that...

Both scenarios are perfectly mapped out and anticipatorally griefed.  Both are equally likely.

One will happen to me.

I am tired of constantly living at the fork in the road.  I have done it for years now.  It's the choose your own adventure book I can never escape from.

I want out...but there is no out.  This will always my fate.  Even if this pregnancy goes well, I will get trapped in this hell again to have a second child.

I want a linear life.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:17 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Sarah - how long does it take for you to receive the results of the test? I wasnt sure if you had to wait days or weeks? Thinking of you.

Posted by: Keri at August 11, 2009 08:50 AM (k6Euw)

2 Even if this pregnancy goes well, I will get trapped in this hell again to have a second child.Oh honey - don't worry for tomorrow, today has worries enough of its own.  I am so sorry you are going through this living hell - I really am.  I check here every day and feel the biggest relief when there is no bad news.  You are living that feeling every second of every day right now, and that has got to be exhausting on so many levels.

I am praying for you and little Joey Elway to have a very happy story that continues on for decades to come. 


Posted by: RC at August 11, 2009 09:38 AM (0bg5E)

3 I initially thought your nightmare was real. Worse yet, you did too ... until you woke up. And even then, the memory was fresh and painful.

You're in a Choose Your Own Adventure book without much choice. When you reach a big fork, you're pulled in one direction or the other. You're allowed to react only when you reach a little fork. It's hard to think clearly when you're haunted by the last big fork - and you fear the next one.

We're all in that book, on that bus together. We can't stop some meteor from heading for Earth. But we could develop the technology to stop it before it hits the Earth. We always have some degree of control ... but not enough, and not necessarily when we need it.

Still, that's better than a truly linear life. A bus headed in one direction no matter what. That's fine if it's headed upwards, but what if it's racing straight down?

Posted by: Amritas at August 11, 2009 10:49 AM (+nV09)

4 Don't really have anything to say, other than I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of this, and that I'm hoping this CVS brings good news.  Sending more thoughts your way!!

Posted by: Courtney at August 11, 2009 12:38 PM (jKra5)

5 Boy do I know what you mean. 

Posted by: David Boxenhorn at August 11, 2009 01:44 PM (bjGKR)


Posted by: Deltasierra at August 11, 2009 07:19 PM (unCAk)

7 (Sorry about that last empty comment--I'm using an unfamiliar keyboard and typing one-handed with a squirming kid in the other.)

That first paragraph almost gave me a heart attack! *Phew!*

I'm praying for you and sending you lots of mental hugs.  Pie is sending good wishes, too!

 fgyflk .,.`

Posted by: Deltasierra at August 11, 2009 07:27 PM (unCAk)

8 You, dear sweet Sarah, are so very normal...yours are the fears of all women who've suffered the tragic loss of a life so very wanted.  I've been quietly rooting for you and that husband of yours for a long time.  With each loss, the two of you have gotten up, brushed yourselves off, and lived to play the game with all of your hearts once more.  This may very well be your Hail Mary...regardless, yours are eternally optomistic fans. 

Posted by: Pam at August 11, 2009 08:50 PM (hBa+5)

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