July 29, 2011
MOVING ON
Just an update. The second round of meds worked, and I immediately felt better. Not morning sick anymore. Still a little sore, but glad to be moving on now.
Now just stressed out that we're moving 1000 miles in two weeks.
Posted by: Sarah at
08:06 PM
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I'm glad you are physically feeling better, I know it's still rough.
Regarding the move, I'm sure you have lots of access to advice for a military move, I have a few suggestions as a veteran of 8 of them, including one whole shipment that they lost. Take pictures of everything, put up in a private Flickr acct, on several smart sticks, but have a picture inventory. If a box, or, as in our case, the whole shipment is lost, you have to identify every item lost. Much easier if you have the info, this includes model and serial numbers for the higher priced stuff. I tried to have 1 adult per packer writing or taking pix of what went into each box. My good friend had a bag of garbage carefully boxed, and had her very expensive curtains used to wrap a fish tank. We avoided that, but had damage to wood tables, bed headboard, bookcases, and in one case the whole bookcase disappeared. In some cases they tried to argue that the damage had been there before the move, with pictures, you can prove otherwise. Adult supervision can help with the stupid stuff, and the recording. Next, toddlers and young children can get very upset as their toys are packed and taken to the truck. Finding a good friend or relative that can take your daughter while all the upheaval is going on is something I highly recommend. You have so many talents for coping, they WILL help you get through this. Take very good care of you and yours.
Posted by: HChambers at July 30, 2011 03:17 PM (VaG1x)
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I'm glad the experience has come to a conclusion so you can be feeling better and moving forward. That little girl of yours will be a fantastic mover!
Posted by: Darla at August 02, 2011 02:52 PM (d/msI)
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July 25, 2011
GONE BABY GONE
Without hesitation, this has been the most irritating pregnancy so far. The raised expectations and the morning sickness, then the death dragged out for three weeks, then the continued morning sickness, and now...
I took the round of meds on Thursday and they didn't work. The baby did not get the eviction notice and is still hanging around. So now I have to start all over again tomorrow. More meds. And this time with no husband home on the weekend to help.
I just want this baby GONE.
Posted by: Sarah at
12:53 PM
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You remain in my thoughts. I wish you a speedy conclusion to this ordeal.
Posted by: To the Nth at July 25, 2011 01:59 PM (mB143)
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I so agree with the above comment...
Posted by: Connie at July 25, 2011 05:11 PM (L6nIP)
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July 21, 2011
I THOUGHT I WAS DONE
What's been hardest to accept, I think, is the fact that I thought I was done. I foolishly let myself get my hopes up this time that, because I felt so similar to how I felt while pregnant with BabyGrok, and because that one was a success, that we were having another baby. And since we would be perfectly content to be a family of four, I thought we were done. I even remarked to a friend that maybe we'd get off easy, maybe we'd get away with only having to be pregnant six times.
Only six times. How sad is it that that's now what I consider having good luck...
I was done, in my head. I counted the chicken before it hatched and let myself breathe a sigh of relief that I might never have to try to get pregnant again. We were stepping off the rollercoaster and calling it a day. We had "won." We were successful. We had completed our family at long last.
I am accustomed to losing babies. I am accustomed to getting my hopes dashed. But this one hit me hard because I had The End within my sight, right at my fingertips, and it got yanked away.
And now I don't see myself getting lucky the seventh time. Now I start imagining that we might have to do it an eighth or ninth time...and could we stomach doing it a tenth? How many is too many?
I thought six was the end. Now I don't see any end in sight.
And now I have absolutely no criteria for feeling confident about future pregnancies. Strong hormone levels? Means nothing. Morning sickness? Had it in half the pregnancies. A baby with a heartbeat? #6 had a flicker and #2 had a full-on thump, and what good did it do?
There are no reliable indicators for success anymore.
The seventh time will be hard.
And it will be in a new city with a new doctor too...probably someone who will try to convince me that all the indicators mean something.
Ugh, I was done. I thought I was done. It hurts to have that taken away.
Posted by: Sarah at
07:32 PM
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It hurts to see you go through this again.
I thought you might be done too. I was wrong. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Amritas at July 21, 2011 07:54 PM (ZsCaC)
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Ugh. I hate this. I hate that you are having to be thinking that 6 was a lucky thing and such. I wish that you were able to be seeing that end in sight. I remember Kev and I having a discussion about this after the miscarriage between Caden and Jack. He said, "If you knew for sure that you would have another baby, but you had to lose 3 more to get there would you do it?" I couldn't answer that question, I just hoped with all of my being that the next pregnancy would end with a live baby. I am so sad that yours didn't. I wish I could make it better for you and take on a few of those losses for you.
Posted by: Stacy at July 22, 2011 12:44 AM (n8pne)
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Stacy, you've already had more than your fair share. But I know what you mean, we've had that talk too. I wish it were knowable, because I could survive three more if I were certain the fourth would be another baby. The hard part is the not knowing.
Posted by: Sarah at July 22, 2011 07:02 AM (iD+cA)
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I can only imagine how much all of this sucks, but as someone who lives in her head, I know the terrible ways our brains and emotions torture us. Sometimes the only good thing about time is that it keeps on moving.
Posted by: beth at July 23, 2011 10:51 AM (s/jIo)
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So sorry Sarah. I have no words of comfort but not saying anything felt too wrong. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Tracey at July 23, 2011 09:41 PM (wKx+4)
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I've stopped by here several times, but haven't really known what to say. I've experienced a miscarriage (again, with those damn 'high' hormone levels), but did not go through the multiple experiences you have...the not knowing must be overwhelming. I'm not sure any words I can say can bring comfort...but you are in my prayers. Thank you for reaching out with your situation so that others can know, maybe try to understand, and even be able to find a kindred soul...
Posted by: Mrs. Who at July 24, 2011 10:25 PM (CtX4I)
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July 16, 2011
CRAP SANDWICH
Horrible. Just horrible. I am still extremely morning sick. But it's either that or take the meds and face excruciating pain. Nice choice. Can I have neither? Nope, I get both. So I get to be morning sick for one more week and then I get to have the big dose of pain. What a crap sandwich.
Posted by: Sarah at
06:18 PM
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My sympathies and condolences, brought to you courtesy of the utterly anonymous internets.
Posted by: Eowyn at July 18, 2011 12:57 PM (t4Rat)
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Crap sandwich is a good way to put it. Sucks big time. So sorry.
Posted by: Stacy at July 18, 2011 10:29 PM (n8pne)
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That is a crap sandwich. I hope with every snuggle of that adorable baby girl you get little feelings of peace and hope.
Posted by: Darla at July 19, 2011 12:18 PM (d/msI)
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July 14, 2011
CRUEL SHOCK
I don't even know how to write this, or where to begin, or what witty angle to use to lay out the story of yet another dead baby. I used to compose the blog post in the car on the way home. I have been home for hours and still don't know what to say or think.
This one was a surprise. A cruel shock.
The only other time I had doubling HCG levels and strong morning sickness was with BabyGrok. I was craving the same things (pizza bread and white wine) and as exhausted as I was with her. And even last week's WTF wasn't enough to deter me from thinking that we had just conceived late and everything was going fine.
Is it because it's happening today and it feels much more real, or is this really as I perceive it to be: the biggest blow of them all? Because this time, more than any other time before, even BabyGrok, I was sure I was having a baby.
It just feels so cruel to have to be morning sick for a month for nothing. And to still be morning sick because there's a dead baby inside of me pumping out hormones and tricking my body into thinking it's pregnant.
Ugh, I just can't say anything more about it anymore. I am mad and hurt today.
Posted by: Sarah at
09:23 AM
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I'm so terribly sorry. I wish I knew what else to say.
Posted by: Erin at July 14, 2011 09:31 AM (G5D6v)
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Nothing I can say will take away the hurt, but please know I care and pray for you.
Posted by: Connie at July 14, 2011 11:16 AM (L6nIP)
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I am so sorry and I wish you didn't have to go through this.
Posted by: Christa at July 14, 2011 11:41 AM (2qSbp)
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So sorry Sarah, my prayers are with you.
Posted by: Tracey at July 14, 2011 12:13 PM (wKx+4)
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I am so sorry to hear that. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: To the Nth at July 14, 2011 02:31 PM (mB143)
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I have long admired the strength you have shown as you have faced the challenges you have been confronted with over the past few years. I am more sorry than I can say over what has happened, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Sandra at July 14, 2011 05:05 PM (Sxyff)
Posted by: Sig at July 15, 2011 07:47 PM (OzC/x)
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Rock your child,especially when she is sleeping. You'll still hurt and be unbelievably angry, but the touch of your child will make a difference. I am so sorry you had to go through this yet again.
Posted by: HChambers at July 15, 2011 09:50 PM (VaG1x)
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Words cannot express how sad I am for you! Send you support and love from across the ocean (I'm sorry that my iPhone has been blocking me posting for nearly a week. I apologize for neglecting so long!)
Posted by: Darla at July 19, 2011 12:16 PM (d/msI)
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July 07, 2011
COUNTING MY BLESSINGS
There's just one so far, but she's a pretty big one.
Posted by: Sarah at
07:14 PM
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LOVE the cute curls from behind!
Posted by: Connie at July 07, 2011 10:38 PM (L6nIP)
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She is a beautiful girl! You have been blessed.
Posted by: Darla at July 09, 2011 02:39 AM (EsO0b)
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She's a pretty amazing one!
Posted by: Stacy at July 11, 2011 11:42 PM (n8pne)
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I'M TIRED OF GUESSING WHETHER THE ATOM DECAYED OR NOT
OK, I'm trying to be zen, really I am, but life is really testing my limits.
The nurse originally wanted to schedule my ultrasound for back in June. I resisted, saying that I wanted to wait until we'd be positive either way that we ought to see a heartbeat. I thought July 7th was well far enough in advance to guarantee that no heart = dead and heart = alive.
But I went in today and the results were inconclusive. There was the merest, tiniest flicker where the heart ought to grow, meaning that there could be a heartbeat within days...or not.
Ugh.
I just feel overwhelmed with frustration right now. I tried so hard to avoid this scenario. It felt like an eternity waiting until July 7, but I did it because I thought that uncertainty at home was better than uncertainty in front of the ultrasound screen. Unfortunately, I got both.
And what I'd really like now is to talk to someone who gets it...but I don't know anyone. I don't know anyone else who has repeatedly sat in limbo wondering if her baby is alive or dead. I don't even know anyone who's done that once. I know my friends are sympathetic, and as empathetic as they can be, but I just want solidarity. I just want someone who groks.
So I wait another week, wondering if the flicker will turn into a heartbeat or just peter out. Debating myself whether my morning sickness is real or psychosomatic. Living in two alternate realities, one where the atom decays and kills Schroedinger's cat and the other where it doesn't.
I'm tired of doing this.
Posted by: Sarah at
08:43 AM
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I am so sorry about this. I have been there. And I remember the games I would play with taking pregnancy tests and scheduling ultrasounds and whether I would tell people I was pregnant and when. All sorts of superstitions cropped up when I am not normally a superstitious person. I am a planner and uncertainty doesn't lead to good, concrete plans. With one pregnancy I threw caution to the wind and bought some cute girl outfits that were on sale and then had to hide them in the closet because looking at them hurt. What finally worked for me was complete pessimism (I am not suggesting it, just telling). I don't think I really believed I was going home with a baby until we got past the week of viability outside my body.
Even my husband didn't really get it. I think because my miscarriages were so early, that for him they weren't as real as they were for me. I was the one obsessed with dates and hormones and tests. So, it was hard to talk to him about it because he was so certain it would all work out and what I really needed was someone to acknowledge that it might not and that I wasn't worrying for nothing.
I know were don't know each other in real life, but feel free to email me if you want to talk.
Posted by: Christa at July 07, 2011 04:37 PM (2qSbp)
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I get it. We went in for the ultrasound last June and the baby was measuring small and my doc kept saying I had my dates off but I knew I didn't. Then the next day I started bleeding and for 3 days would bleed off and on heavily. Everytime I called to go in I would be told that the blood wasn't necessarily a miscarriage and I just wanted to scream at them to shut up and quit giving me false hope because I was dealing with the loss until they piped up. I'm 29 weeks now and still don't feel like we are out of the woods yet and will relax once she is home. I have had no where near the difficulties that you have had, so I can only imagine the stress you are feeling.
Posted by: Tracey at July 07, 2011 05:38 PM (wKx+4)
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Thank you, ladies. Christa -- I know what you mean: my husband is the one person who's gone through all of this with me, and yet...he hasn't. You're right, he doesn't count dates or take pregnancy tests or sit and agonize over when we must've conceived in order to have a 6 1/2 week old fetus instead of a 7 week old one. He's there for me, but somehow he doesn't feel it as acutely as I do. Tracey -- I have been there too, with the "are you sure your dates are right?" and the bleeding and the false hope. Most of the time it was truly false hope, but I was bleeding with BabyGrok too, so that was a time that it worked out. But usually it doesn't for me. The nurse today told me to think positive and I said, "I'm trying, but I'm 1 for 5!" Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
Posted by: Sarah at July 07, 2011 06:46 PM (iD+cA)
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I don't get it. I've never been there. But if there was anything I could do to alleviate any of this for you, I would.
Posted by: Code Monkey at July 07, 2011 09:00 PM (3ZmMp)
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Ditto Code Monkey
Posted by: Connie at July 07, 2011 10:37 PM (L6nIP)
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Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, sending positive energy your way. I think you are one amazing woman.
Posted by: Mary at July 07, 2011 11:22 PM (0+wct)
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My grandson and his wife have gone through this, and then the last two turned out to be real, but tubal. More heartbreak. So they are turning to IVF. She is on the hormones now and will hopefully be implanted by the next 2 weeks. They are lucky all the genetics seem okay.
Ironically, his brother and his wife have the twins and older one, all under 2. Mother Nature has some mysterious, screwed up, stuff going on.
Posted by: Ruth H at July 08, 2011 01:20 PM (CvvEA)
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Ugh is so right... and I'm so sorry...
Another ditto to Code Monkey. *hugs, thoughts, and prayers*...
Posted by: Krista at July 08, 2011 03:10 PM (BqTRT)
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I'm very sorry for your frustration! I can't imagine what you are going through. Thoughts from my corner of the world!
Posted by: Darla at July 09, 2011 02:42 AM (EsO0b)
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I went through the bleeding thing and having them say it was no big deal and it was a big deal, Everyone's experience is different. I have a friend you might want to talk to. She would totally grok.
Posted by: Mare at July 13, 2011 10:50 PM (t+Csh)
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