Husband:  I think you'll make a wonderful mother.
Sarah:  You do?
Husband:  Yes, and so does everyone else on the internet. Then again, everyone on the internet thinks Ron Paul would make a good president so...we'll see.

My husband is getting impatient.  He wants to hold her and be with her.  Me, I just feel nervous.  I have begun to get frightened of the pain.  I am in a cranky mood and want to be simultaneously left alone and completely taken care of.  I hurt a lot of the time.  I want the hurt to turn into labor, so I try to stoke it.  But it doesn't; it's just pointless pain.

I am not nesting so much as freaking out that I have wasted the past eight years of married life.  Why didn't I clean the garage or finish that quilt or sort through worthless old college textbooks?  What if today is the day and I still haven't gotten the oil changed in my car?

I don't feel like a good mom.  I feel like I'm already starting out on the wrong foot.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:17 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 it is totally normal to panic and worry!  If it makes you feel any better, you'll probably spend a good amount of time once she's here in panic and worry mode about all kinds of things....maybe that doesn't help!

Posted by: sharona at February 27, 2010 09:55 AM (BeRta)

2

Don't worry!  Your ducks are in a row.  You and the babe are more important now.  Chores and projects can wait!  Try to enjoy these last days of having a baby without all the work at the moment...do you get what I mean?

As far as labor goes you can handle it.  Have hubby remind you that there is a very wonderful result of this labor.  (hint: hubby, encourage but don't be too pollyannish! pick your moments,you'll get what I mean.)

Last but not least do what is good and right for you and don't listen too much to all of us.  Not everyone has 80 hour labors!  They just like to tell stories, kinda like fish stories. I liked the shower and I had a rocking chair in the room that I spent most of my time in.  You will know what you need when you need it.

Eat you favorite things, read a good book, watch Dick Van Dyke reruns whatever...enjoy.

cindy h.

Posted by: cindy h at February 27, 2010 10:14 AM (gcBP7)

3 Ian arrived so quickly that the phrase "muzzle velocity" was bandied about. No drugs, not TOO much pain (she says). Sometimes it's easy. Sig

Posted by: Sig at February 27, 2010 02:58 PM (/Mv9b)

4 You got all the important stuff done already.  It's fine.  I promise.  The rest of it will all get done one day.  You can always assign those jobs to people who come over and ask you what you need help with,  And labor, honestly, it's different for everyone, but you'll handle any pain that comes your way.  I promise, none of it will matter to you in the long run.  

Posted by: Ann M. at February 27, 2010 05:28 PM (+GQ3g)

5 Honestly, I think you're right where you need to be.  Life isn't life without "what ifs" and second guessing.  I believe it's what gives us our second nature.  4 hours before we were supposed to leave for China to bring Olivia home, I had not yet been to bed, was blogging and then finished packing. 

You're going to be a fantastic mom...the internets will back me on this one.

Posted by: Susan at February 27, 2010 09:07 PM (URuXw)

6

Heh... Ron Paul works his way into a parenting conversation. Sweet.

On the chores note, you'll be asking yourself, "why did I think I was so busy back ___?" for the next few decades... so no worries.   Gotta leave something home-chore-ish for you to do with her!   Kids LOVE to help (especially when they're little)!

FWIW, I had an OB PA (who's had kids) tell me that if I could handle those "clean it out now" tablets, I can definitely handle labor.  I haven't been through anything to test that hypothesis yet, but I like to believe her.   You'll do great. 

Posted by: Krista at February 27, 2010 10:58 PM (sUTgZ)

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The good news is the bed rest worked.  The bad news is the bed rest worked.
I am stuck at the same dilation and effacement that I was at two weeks ago.

And really, other than the fact that life is exponentially more painful now than it was then, I guess I am OK with that.

Last night I had a bit of a freakout.  I somehow feel like I am still not ready.  I don't feel anxious to get the baby out (other than because of the pains) because I am still scared to death of having to take care of her.  I feel like everything I've read about labor and newborn care is not enough and I still feel overwhelmed and unprepared.  I am feeling the weight of the awesome responsibility that is motherhood, and I am OK with postponing it for another week or so. 

Plus we still need to paint her bookshelf.  And a million other things.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:10 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 Sounds to me like you are right where every first time mother is before the birth, feeling overwhelmed.  You are going to have complete responsibility for a new person. It is an awesome responsibility and if anyone is prepared it, you are. Its not the books you read, it what is in your heart.

Posted by: Ruth H at February 22, 2010 02:22 PM (JCV5R)

2 I remember reading up mere hours before checking into the hospital like I was cramming for a test. You're never "ready," just willing. Like Ruth H writes, "what is in your heart" matters more than what you know.

Posted by: Lee Anne at February 22, 2010 03:01 PM (FXhFB)

3 If you can feel the weight of motherhood mentally as well as physically, your heart has what it takes.

Posted by: Amritas at February 22, 2010 03:19 PM (+nV09)

4 I'm just so happy for you that all is in place and ready to go.  So looking forward to reading that She has arrived.  Welcome your hubby home from those of us that have been following this journey that the three of you have been on.

Posted by: Laura, A Military Mom at February 22, 2010 03:24 PM (oLHZ3)

5

I was so happy to hear that he made it home in time!  I know less than zero about how deployment works, but I was wondering when he has to go back, if he does.

You never feel ready, but the most important thing is that when she comes all she'll really want is you, a clean onesie and a dry diaper.  So, if you have those things covered, the rest is gravy.

I remember with my first feeling that first day home from the hospital that he was a stranger to me, this new little person I was getting to know for the first time.  Once I realized that it was a relationship (meaning, two-way) and that we both needed to get to know the other, (what he liked and didn't; for him to know he could depend on me) it seemed much easier.

Good luck!  And although it will likely be the last thing you'll be worrying about, do you think you could leave the keys to your blog to a friend who could give us an update when the time does come?

Thanks!

Posted by: Christa at February 22, 2010 04:04 PM (2qSbp)

6 Christa -- The absolute soonest he'd deploy again is November.  And that's not so likely.  Hopefully we'll have him home for a while.

And AirForceWife is already prepped to spread the word on my blog once I'm in the hospital!

Posted by: Sarah at February 22, 2010 05:31 PM (gWUle)

7 Just wait until you carry her out of the hospital! I remember feeling like it was all surreal and couldn't believe they actually trusted me to take my baby home. By myself. To care of all alone. Hee-hee!

You're never really "ready", IMO. It's so much awesomer (yes, I said awesomer), profound, and breath-taking than you can possibly understand or expect ahead of time.

I'm smiling thinking about the joy that lays ahead of you and your husband. I'm so happy for you. :-)

Posted by: Heather at February 22, 2010 06:39 PM (9k/pz)

8 If you are feeling like you aren't ready to be a mom, you're a little late in the planning cycle.

Just follow the instruction booklet they give you when you leave the hospital and everything will be fine.

If you weren't worried, I'd be worried.  It's natural.  You are just as equipped as every other woman to be a mother,  but your are phenomenally more qualified for motherhood and parenting than most of the folks dragging their brood around between peopleofwalmart photo shoots.

Really, what's the worst that can happen?  This is a mutant baby.  It will survive anything.  She already overcame your (apparently) tremendously recessive genes; genes that are so recessive and hate reproducing so much that I'm in awe that you actually heal from minor scrapes!  She will be fine, if not exposed to green kryptonite, and you manage to lay off the crack pipe and not huff paint while breast feeding.

As fare as raising her goes, given her parents--she'll be winning the hearts and minds of the other kids in preschool and building them a new, better and state of the art playground as soon as they inform on who ate all the paste, then blogging about how much she misses charlie when she is away at school and he's at home.  I can see it now--Twying to gwok.

Or maybe you'll be on a "Very Special Episode" of Springer with me and my family.  Either way, you do the best you can with what you've got and hope for the best.

Posted by: Chuck at February 22, 2010 07:31 PM (bMH2g)

9 sarah, like the others have said, I think it's natural to feel nervous, anxious, excited. PLUS, you've had quite a ride over the last few years getting to this point PLUS your husband has been deployed for the better part of the year... I'd say that qualifies to feeling a little unsure of all of this. I think you just do what feels 'right'. Consult the books, doctors, friends and parents when you need to (and everyone will have a different opinion), but at the end of the day, just give her alot of hugs, and make sure she's fed. She will thrive and so will you.

Posted by: Keri at February 22, 2010 10:10 PM (dtvJC)

10 You are going to do great!  You can do all the reading in the world, but then your instincts just kick in and you figure things out!  You and your man will do a great job and she will know she is soooo loved!

Posted by: Stacy at February 23, 2010 12:02 AM (oubiR)

11 Think of this; throughout most of history women haven't had books or doctors to help them. It would never occur to husbands that they should help with the baby or to wives to expect help. Women relied on their Moms, other female relatives and friends for answers to parenting questions and even though a lot of those answers were just old wives tales, most of the new Mamas and babies managed just fine.

Then think of  the resources you have at your finger tips, any question you have can be answered either by doctors or books or bing. But, my guess is that most of your questions will be answered by your Mom, your female relatives and your friends. Because, they've already been there, done that, and have the drool on their best clothes to prove it. Plus, you have a husband who is ready, willing and able to help with the baby any time (as soon as you show him which end to burp and which end to diaper). You are both intensely focused on doing everything possible to make your new baby know she is welcome and loved. Mama, daddy and baby are gonna be just fine!!

Posted by: Pamela at February 23, 2010 02:03 AM (f+d6l)

12 P. S.    My granddaughter is 15 months old, when she was 12 months she weaned herself. My mother said when a baby weans herself like that she's getting out of the way for the next one. My daughter is 9 weeks pregnant with their second. It was not planned. Could be something to those old wives tales!!

Posted by: Pamela at February 23, 2010 02:11 AM (f+d6l)

13 You will figure it out, and then she'll change the rules.  You'll figure out the new game, and she'll change it again.  But you're a smart woman.  You will always figure it out, or know the right person to ask.  

Posted by: Ann M. at February 27, 2010 12:17 AM (+GQ3g)

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Still here, still full of baby.

I had another appointment last night and this doctor was much calmer. She thinks my body is not reacting like a first-time mom because I have had to be induced three times already to have my miscarriages.  So taking that into consideration, she thinks I can easily make it until my husband gets home.  Thus I'm just going to keep taking it easy and hopefully can hang on to baby for one more week.

And then my husband will be home...

I have given almost no thought to the fact that the deployment is almost over. I have been so preoccupied with the baby that I haven't let myself get too excited over my husband's return. But he should be here in about a week or so.

I can't wait to lie on the bed with him and let him feel the baby kick. I want him to walk in the door and never take his hands off my tummy. I am so excited to finally experience that together.

Posted by: Sarah at 09:52 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Oh, JOY!!  For assuredly you deserve every moment of it!!

Posted by: Lissa at February 12, 2010 10:09 AM (eSfKC)

2 Lissa's right, Oh, JOY!! Enjoy every blessed minute of it, you've earned it!

Posted by: Tibby at February 12, 2010 12:13 PM (S/Fac)

3 I'm glad she thinks you can make it. I really, really hope he gets at least a few hours to experience baby-on-the-inside, and that you can see her face for the first time together. I'm glad he's so close to coming home.

Posted by: Lucy at February 12, 2010 12:41 PM (YNvUz)

4 We are in the middle of this awful blizzard area and our internet has been down for the past 3 days.  My work was backing up, I was out of touch with the world, had no idea what was going on (satellite didn't work for tv either) and all I could think of was "Did Sarah have her baby???"
Glad to be back online (whew) and see that you are ok. He will be home before you know it. And then a whole new wonderful chapter will begin..........

Posted by: Amy at February 12, 2010 12:52 PM (Cy1WK)

5

I wish I could send my luck quotient for the next couple of months to you.  I don't usually seem to get a lot, but I'd send it in a heartbeat so it all falls into place.

I'll have to settle for crossed fingers or something.  

Posted by: Code Monkey at February 12, 2010 08:15 PM (AxVal)

6 This will be super exciting!!!    Yea!  Nothing like experiencing all this in the same zip code.

I can so relate to what you're saying about the counting down.  I have some preoccupations here myself and I lose sight of the fact that he will be home and THEN we take the big trip.  Of course, if I wait until he's home to prep for the big trip, we're in trouble!

Can't wait 'til he's home for you and the baby!!

Posted by: Guard Wife at February 12, 2010 09:29 PM (2IXlO)

7 Almost there! On all accounts! I hope he gets to experience the pregnancy for a good moment or two before you both get to hold your new bundle in your arms I'm so very happy for you!

Posted by: Darla at February 13, 2010 01:28 PM (FpL1n)

8 Sarah, I am so excited for you and your husband.  I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. 

Posted by: Mary at February 14, 2010 12:24 AM (MZGTX)

9

YAY!

I am so glad to hear that the doctor has backed off a little on the fear factor.  Even more glad that your husband will be home in DAYS!!!

Posted by: AFSister at February 17, 2010 11:07 AM (HoMeG)

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Nothing has changed from Wednesday until now, and yet it feels like everything has changed.  I keep having to remind myself that nothing has...

The same symptoms I had on Wednesday are now magnified and making me paranoid.  I feel exactly the same and yet now I am IN LABOR and getting freaked out over every twinge.

But I have kinda gotten over the freakout hump and feel better today.

Except I've lost three pounds since Wednesday.

And it starts all over again...

I am still in bed.  My husband is snowed in in Afghanistan, which would be hilarious if it weren't so surreal.  My mother is hobbling around on a broken foot after driving 21 hours straight in a snowstorm to get to my side.

And then the dog ate her blood pressure meds.

It's been a heck of a weekend!

Posted by: Sarah at 01:35 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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I am OK; no baby yet.

I slept decently and haven't left my bed today for anything other than bathroom breaks.  I have intense pelvic pressure when I stand up, but at least no contractions today.  And so Charlie and I lie in bed and wait...

My husband called this morning because of the casualties.  He hadn't yet read my email and had no idea what was going on.  He said he would try to cash in some favors and get on an even earlier flight if he could.  We'll just see.  Now watch, the baby won't come for another month.

I told my husband that all that matters is that he comes home to us.  I said I will either welcome him home with the baby on the inside or the baby on the outside, but all that matters is that he's safe.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:20 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I spoke too soon: I will probably not make it a month.

I had an appointment today with my first physical exam.  The baby is head-down, ready to go, and so am I: I'm dilated and effaced like I'm already in labor the baby should arrive any day now.  In fact, the NP said to be ready any day now.

Baby doesn't seem to want to wait for Daddy.

My mother is leaving tonight as fast as she can.  A friend is coming to stay the night with me tonight, just in case.  And I had decided that I just needed to put myself on bed-rest and try to stay calm...

And then the phone rang.

Two soldiers in my husband's company were killed.

On the one hand, that gave me remarkable perspective.  My husband may not make it home in time for the baby's birth, but at least he still may make it home.  This other family is not as fortunate: that soldier won't be coming home to his pregnant wife. 

On the other hand, it just stressed me out even more...

Please, baby, wait two weeks.  Then you can do whatever you want.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:44 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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One more month.

One more month until this bouncy baby is bouncing in my arms instead of in my belly.  One more month until I am a mother, until I am responsible for someone else's life and well-being.  One more month until I test out all the parenting theories I've pondered for years.

It's been nearly three years to the day that my husband and I started trying to have a baby.  Three years.  One might think that I would be extra-anxious for this last month to fly by.  But I'm not.  I think I've even managed to develop some patience over the past three years; I am trying to enjoy every horrible moment of this pregnancy because there's always the possibility that it could be my only one.  As long as she's not in danger, I'm in no hurry to move faster than nature intended.  No matter how uncomfortable I am.

One more month.

And, with as much certainty as one can guarantee in the Army, my husband should be home in roughly half that time.

Everything's coming up Milhouse.  Finally.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:16 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Gosh, you're so cute, I just want to hug you.

Except that would be weird and creepy because I don't really know you.

And, I have personal boundary issues.

But, if it weren't for that, I'd hug you. :-D

Posted by: Heather at February 03, 2010 10:55 PM (9k/pz)

2 You look radiant. I am so happy for you.

Posted by: Amy at February 03, 2010 10:55 PM (Cy1WK)

3 You look awesome!  You are going to be the best mom evah.  The only piece of assvice I will spew is this: Trust your instincts.  Everything else will come naturally.  I have loved being a mom more than being able to breathe.  I look at Olivia daily and am in awe of her. I'm losing my baby, but I've gained a little friend with whom I love spending time.  I don't know if I appreciate being a mom more because I'm older or if it's because it was a freaking long road to get here and I don't ever want to take it for granted.

Sending lots of good wishes your way.............

Posted by: Susan at February 03, 2010 11:18 PM (URuXw)

4 Thank you for sharing this picture with us. I hope your husband can see it.

I can't wait to see the next picture in this series.

Posted by: Amritas at February 04, 2010 01:52 AM (TZltr)

5 What a lovely picture! Enjoy this last month--sending many good thoughts your way.

Posted by: Lee Anne at February 04, 2010 10:56 AM (FXhFB)

6 Your smile says it all, enjoy every moment

Posted by: Laura, A Military Mom at February 04, 2010 11:05 AM (oLHZ3)

7 You look absolutely fabulous -- healthy and happy. I'm so happy for you and your husband.

Posted by: loquita at February 04, 2010 05:46 PM (hFum1)

8 I agree with Amy: you do look radiant!

Posted by: Miss Ladybug at February 04, 2010 10:20 PM (vqKnu)

9 Treasure that patience you are feeling. You'll need it later. Sig

Posted by: Sig at February 05, 2010 12:05 AM (/Mv9b)

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