February 27, 2010

IS NESTING THE SAME AS TWEEKING?

Husband:  I think you'll make a wonderful mother.
Sarah:  You do?
Husband:  Yes, and so does everyone else on the internet. Then again, everyone on the internet thinks Ron Paul would make a good president so...we'll see.

My husband is getting impatient.  He wants to hold her and be with her.  Me, I just feel nervous.  I have begun to get frightened of the pain.  I am in a cranky mood and want to be simultaneously left alone and completely taken care of.  I hurt a lot of the time.  I want the hurt to turn into labor, so I try to stoke it.  But it doesn't; it's just pointless pain.

I am not nesting so much as freaking out that I have wasted the past eight years of married life.  Why didn't I clean the garage or finish that quilt or sort through worthless old college textbooks?  What if today is the day and I still haven't gotten the oil changed in my car?

I don't feel like a good mom.  I feel like I'm already starting out on the wrong foot.

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February 22, 2010

NOT QUITE MENTALLY PREPARED

The good news is the bed rest worked.  The bad news is the bed rest worked.
I am stuck at the same dilation and effacement that I was at two weeks ago.

And really, other than the fact that life is exponentially more painful now than it was then, I guess I am OK with that.

Last night I had a bit of a freakout.  I somehow feel like I am still not ready.  I don't feel anxious to get the baby out (other than because of the pains) because I am still scared to death of having to take care of her.  I feel like everything I've read about labor and newborn care is not enough and I still feel overwhelmed and unprepared.  I am feeling the weight of the awesome responsibility that is motherhood, and I am OK with postponing it for another week or so. 

Plus we still need to paint her bookshelf.  And a million other things.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:10 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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February 12, 2010

TOUCH ME, BABE

Still here, still full of baby.

I had another appointment last night and this doctor was much calmer. She thinks my body is not reacting like a first-time mom because I have had to be induced three times already to have my miscarriages.  So taking that into consideration, she thinks I can easily make it until my husband gets home.  Thus I'm just going to keep taking it easy and hopefully can hang on to baby for one more week.

And then my husband will be home...

I have given almost no thought to the fact that the deployment is almost over. I have been so preoccupied with the baby that I haven't let myself get too excited over my husband's return. But he should be here in about a week or so.

I can't wait to lie on the bed with him and let him feel the baby kick. I want him to walk in the door and never take his hands off my tummy. I am so excited to finally experience that together.


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February 08, 2010

PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING

Nothing has changed from Wednesday until now, and yet it feels like everything has changed.  I keep having to remind myself that nothing has...

The same symptoms I had on Wednesday are now magnified and making me paranoid.  I feel exactly the same and yet now I am IN LABOR and getting freaked out over every twinge.

But I have kinda gotten over the freakout hump and feel better today.

Except I've lost three pounds since Wednesday.

And it starts all over again...

I am still in bed.  My husband is snowed in in Afghanistan, which would be hilarious if it weren't so surreal.  My mother is hobbling around on a broken foot after driving 21 hours straight in a snowstorm to get to my side.

And then the dog ate her blood pressure meds.

It's been a heck of a weekend!

Posted by: Sarah at 01:35 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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February 05, 2010

BABY UPDATE

I am OK; no baby yet.

I slept decently and haven't left my bed today for anything other than bathroom breaks.  I have intense pelvic pressure when I stand up, but at least no contractions today.  And so Charlie and I lie in bed and wait...

My husband called this morning because of the casualties.  He hadn't yet read my email and had no idea what was going on.  He said he would try to cash in some favors and get on an even earlier flight if he could.  We'll just see.  Now watch, the baby won't come for another month.

I told my husband that all that matters is that he comes home to us.  I said I will either welcome him home with the baby on the inside or the baby on the outside, but all that matters is that he's safe.

Posted by: Sarah at 02:20 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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February 04, 2010

NOT EXACTLY MILHOUSE

I spoke too soon: I will probably not make it a month.

I had an appointment today with my first physical exam.  The baby is head-down, ready to go, and so am I: I'm dilated and effaced like I'm already in labor the baby should arrive any day now.  In fact, the NP said to be ready any day now.

Baby doesn't seem to want to wait for Daddy.

My mother is leaving tonight as fast as she can.  A friend is coming to stay the night with me tonight, just in case.  And I had decided that I just needed to put myself on bed-rest and try to stay calm...

And then the phone rang.

Two soldiers in my husband's company were killed.

On the one hand, that gave me remarkable perspective.  My husband may not make it home in time for the baby's birth, but at least he still may make it home.  This other family is not as fortunate: that soldier won't be coming home to his pregnant wife. 

On the other hand, it just stressed me out even more...

Please, baby, wait two weeks.  Then you can do whatever you want.

Posted by: Sarah at 06:44 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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February 03, 2010

ONE MONTH LEFT



One more month.

One more month until this bouncy baby is bouncing in my arms instead of in my belly.  One more month until I am a mother, until I am responsible for someone else's life and well-being.  One more month until I test out all the parenting theories I've pondered for years.

It's been nearly three years to the day that my husband and I started trying to have a baby.  Three years.  One might think that I would be extra-anxious for this last month to fly by.  But I'm not.  I think I've even managed to develop some patience over the past three years; I am trying to enjoy every horrible moment of this pregnancy because there's always the possibility that it could be my only one.  As long as she's not in danger, I'm in no hurry to move faster than nature intended.  No matter how uncomfortable I am.

One more month.

And, with as much certainty as one can guarantee in the Army, my husband should be home in roughly half that time.

Everything's coming up Milhouse.  Finally.

Posted by: Sarah at 10:16 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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