July 07, 2011

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

There's just one so far, but she's a pretty big one.



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I'M TIRED OF GUESSING WHETHER THE ATOM DECAYED OR NOT

OK, I'm trying to be zen, really I am, but life is really testing my limits.


The nurse originally wanted to schedule my ultrasound for back in June.  I resisted, saying that I wanted to wait until we'd be positive either way that we ought to see a heartbeat.  I thought July 7th was well far enough in advance to guarantee that no heart = dead and heart = alive.

But I went in today and the results were inconclusive.  There was the merest, tiniest flicker where the heart ought to grow, meaning that there could be a heartbeat within days...or not.

Ugh.

I just feel overwhelmed with frustration right now.  I tried so hard to avoid this scenario.  It felt like an eternity waiting until July 7, but I did it because I thought that uncertainty at home was better than uncertainty in front of the ultrasound screen.  Unfortunately, I got both.

And what I'd really like now is to talk to someone who gets it...but I don't know anyone.  I don't know anyone else who has repeatedly sat in limbo wondering if her baby is alive or dead.  I don't even know anyone who's done that once.  I know my friends are sympathetic, and as empathetic as they can be, but I just want solidarity.  I just want someone who groks.

So I wait another week, wondering if the flicker will turn into a heartbeat or just peter out.  Debating myself whether my morning sickness is real or psychosomatic.  Living in two alternate realities, one where the atom decays and kills Schroedinger's cat and the other where it doesn't.

I'm tired of doing this.

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June 23, 2011

HEAD'S UP

My hormone levels doubled like they ought to.  The only other time that's ever happened for me was with BabyGrok.  So maybe this is BabyGrok2.  It's looking like it might be...I feel icky and tired and hot.  (Caveat: it's 100 degrees here, so that could be a factor as well.)


Anyway, I have an ultrasound in two weeks to make sure, but I think we might have another head's-up penny here.

For the next two weeks, I am going to pretend I am having a baby.  When is it too early to wear maternity clothes?  Because I have a pot belly that could pass for pregnant already...

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June 20, 2011

BECOMING ZEN

The nurse who used to "help" me at the fertility clinic is gone, and the new nurse is super nice.  Last pregnancy and this one, she's been really accommodating.  They've offered me the moon both times: as many blood-draws and ultrasounds as I want.  And the ironic thing is that, the more frequently you're pregnant, the less crucial it feels.  I have come to the zen state that either I will be pregnant for 9 months or for about 3 weeks, and it is what it is.  No amount of kangaroo pouch peeking will change anything.  So I thanked them but told them not to waste their resources.  I will get my blood checked twice this week and then an ultrasound later to look for a heartbeat.  I appreciate their attentiveness, but I have really embraced the weird idea that all my babies' lifespans are predetermined long before I even know they exist, and whether I know the lifespan or not doesn't change anything.


Aren't you impressed with how zen I've become?  I grok the miracle of life.

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June 19, 2011

SIXTH FLIP

Pregnant again.  Sixth time, for all of us who've lost track (I have to pause and count frequently.)  Fingers crossed that it's the happiest Father's Day gift ever.

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April 13, 2011

FEELING GREAT

I am doing really well, just to let you know.  Man, a natural miscarriage is SO much easier than an induced one.  I imagine it's the same type of scenario as the difference between going into labor on your own and being spontaneously induced.  This time has been gradual and virtually pain-free; I took 2 or 3 doses of some stronger meds, and then I took two ibuprofen for another day and a half.  That's it!  I can't believe the difference.

They're monitoring my hormone levels to make sure the process has completed itself, but I can't get over how easy this time was...and thankfully so, considering I don't really have the luxury of lounging in bed all day to recover!

Feeling fine, and ready to flip this coin again and see where it takes us.

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April 09, 2011

STARTING AHEAD OF SCHEDULE

Perhaps it's because I've already had a baby, I don't know, but my body seems to be reacting differently this time around.  It appears I may miscarry this baby on my own without need for the medicine.  We'll see as days go on if it looks like the process is complete, but for now it seems the miscarriage has started on its own...

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April 06, 2011

LITTLE ANGEL

No matter what, we still have our little angel (or Lima Alpha, as my husband calls her.)


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POUCH PEEK

So we all filed into the ultrasound room today, me and two other ladies, and all our husbands, and also Baby Grok.  We looked like a parade of hand-wringers.  And while it used to tear my heart out to hear other people's fantastically alive ultrasounds, it didn't bother me to be seen last this time.  While Baby Grok toddled around and played with the stirrups, I eavesdropped excitedly to hear whether they'd be able to discern the sex of the twins one couple was having (they couldn't yet).  And I was happy to hear that the other couple's baby was still healthy and strong, since I actually know this woman and have seen her try to have a baby for a while now too.

And then it was my turn, and Schroedinger's cat never became a cat in the first place.  I have an empty yolk sac, just like two previous pregnancies.

I will go back next week to confirm, and then I will get a prescription for the gut-wrenching medicine and take it the next weekend while my husband is home to care for Baby Grok for me.  Sadly, it will be our last weekend together before he leaves for a three-month Army course.

And I will have to travel to see him at appropriately-scheduled intervals to try to make Pregnancy #6 be a heads.

I'm OK.  Disappointed that we flipped wrong this month, frustrated that I can't consult my eggs first and make a good one come out instead, but OK.

So let's have a giggle and appreciate what we have: here's Baby Grok napping with her butt in the air.


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March 30, 2011

LETDOWN

So...it's looking like this coin flip is leaning towards tails instead of heads.  My hormone levels aren't doubling and are pretty low.  I have zero pregnancy symptoms.  Hope is dwindling.

I have an ultrasound next week to peek in the kangaroo pouch and see, but I am not optimistic.

But Julia was so right: it's much easier to handle the letdown when you already have a squirmy kid to cuddle.

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March 21, 2011

TWO NIGHTS OF WINE

I nearly just typed "Last week was Baby Grok's birthday."  But it's actually been three weeks.  How time flies.  I had every intention of commemorating the event here, but I didn't get around to it.

I'm not sure who still checks here, but if you do, there's news today.

I'm pregnant again.

Last week I took five negative pregnancy tests.  I was pretty bummed out and getting fairly obsessive again about cycles and luck.  Today I took two positive tests.  Don't know why that is, but it is.

It's wonderful.

Obviously, the same probability applies this time around too, and I still have a coin toss chance of another miscarriage.  But I remain happy that we made it past the getting-pregnant step and now just have to focus on the staying-pregnant step.

And I find this quite humorous: I nursed Baby Grok for the full year and had been slowly weaning her.  We had just taken the step of cutting out her nighttime nursing, and I was happy that I'd now be able to have a guilt-free glass of wine with dinner.

I had two nights of wine.

Heh.

Fingers crossed and prayers offered that I don't get any more wine for another two years...

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June 01, 2010

THREE MONTHS



Today was our baby's three month birthday.
Which means we made her a year ago, tee hee.
This year I made socks instead of a baby...

Or did I...

I do find myself often thinking that I'd like to just go ahead and aim for the second one now, to get all the infant years done at once.  If life starts to get too cushy, I am not sure I'll want to go back to the beginning.

But I'm also not sure I want to take care of a baby while I'm pregnant.

I'm definitely sure that I don't have much say in the matter though, and we'll flip another heads whenever a heads comes along...

In the meantime, making us matching socks keeps me happy.

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April 08, 2010

HEADS UP

In addition to the octopus photo, there was one other thing I was itching to do when my daughter arrived.



After too many times of flipping tails, we finally flipped heads.
She's our John Elway baby, our non-mutant child, our lucky head's up penny.

She's 100% here and 100% ours.



(Heh, I love the photo of us.  She's looking at me like, OMG no one told me my mom was a mutant...)

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March 21, 2010

BABY AAR

I know there are a few pregnant ladies who read this blog, so I thought I'd steal a few free minutes to write an AAR.

As I told one of these friends recently, having the baby is everything you imagined it would be...only moreso.  That's about the only way I can describe the situation.  Logically I knew everything that was going to happen, but until it really happened, I had never fully grokked it.

Labor hurts, more than you think it will.  Breastfeeding hurts and is hard, harder than you think you will be.  You will not be grossed out by your baby's poop, like you think you would be.  Your heart will completely stop when your baby chokes and stops breathing for a second, which is scarier than I ever imagined.  And you will be tired, WAY more than you think you will be.

It's just everything you knew it would be, only more.

Oh, and there's way more laundry too.

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March 03, 2010

THE BABY STORY



I had my 39 week appointment Monday morning.  I had been having contractions over the weekend, but nothing that I felt was enough to warrant going to the hospital.  At my appointment they determined I was already 5 cm: halfway there!  And that I was having regular contractions.  It was news to me, as I was feeling fine.



They admitted me at about 1:00 and started me on penicillin because I was GBS positive.  I would need four hours on the IV in order for the baby to get all the meds.  They decided to break my water at 3:30, figuring I'd have plenty of time before baby arrived.  I assumed she'd get here around midnight...

As soon as my water broke, the pain kicked in, and I started dilating fast.  I finally decided I wanted an epidural, and they checked me as they called the anesthetist.  I was already 10 cm.  So I just decided to go for it.

They set me up to push and I closed my eyes and pushed with everything I had.  I was concentrating so hard and was in so much pain that I never knew what was happening: the baby's heart rate went berserk.  The midwife grabbed the scissors they use to cut the umbilical cord and started cutting me in all directions, while the doctor grabbed the vacuum.  She came out and they whisked her away to check her out.  I didn't get to see her for the first hour, which broke my heart, but thankfully her Daddy and Gramma got to spend the time with her. 



Meanwhile, I had to get put back together again.  And let me say, I never really understood the gravity of the words "tear" and "episiotomy."  I do now.

She looks just like her Daddy, which I love.  We are working hard on breastfeeding, with about 85% success.  We got home this evening and Charlie went bonkers.  He wants to lick her constantly.  She squeaks, just like his toys.

We are happy...



(Daddy just said that he hopes her SSN shows up soon so he can open her accounts.  "She's been alive for two days and she doesn't have any money yet."  And then Charlie licked the top of her head.  I love my family.)

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February 27, 2010

IS NESTING THE SAME AS TWEEKING?

Husband:  I think you'll make a wonderful mother.
Sarah:  You do?
Husband:  Yes, and so does everyone else on the internet. Then again, everyone on the internet thinks Ron Paul would make a good president so...we'll see.

My husband is getting impatient.  He wants to hold her and be with her.  Me, I just feel nervous.  I have begun to get frightened of the pain.  I am in a cranky mood and want to be simultaneously left alone and completely taken care of.  I hurt a lot of the time.  I want the hurt to turn into labor, so I try to stoke it.  But it doesn't; it's just pointless pain.

I am not nesting so much as freaking out that I have wasted the past eight years of married life.  Why didn't I clean the garage or finish that quilt or sort through worthless old college textbooks?  What if today is the day and I still haven't gotten the oil changed in my car?

I don't feel like a good mom.  I feel like I'm already starting out on the wrong foot.

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February 22, 2010

NOT QUITE MENTALLY PREPARED

The good news is the bed rest worked.  The bad news is the bed rest worked.
I am stuck at the same dilation and effacement that I was at two weeks ago.

And really, other than the fact that life is exponentially more painful now than it was then, I guess I am OK with that.

Last night I had a bit of a freakout.  I somehow feel like I am still not ready.  I don't feel anxious to get the baby out (other than because of the pains) because I am still scared to death of having to take care of her.  I feel like everything I've read about labor and newborn care is not enough and I still feel overwhelmed and unprepared.  I am feeling the weight of the awesome responsibility that is motherhood, and I am OK with postponing it for another week or so. 

Plus we still need to paint her bookshelf.  And a million other things.

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February 12, 2010

TOUCH ME, BABE

Still here, still full of baby.

I had another appointment last night and this doctor was much calmer. She thinks my body is not reacting like a first-time mom because I have had to be induced three times already to have my miscarriages.  So taking that into consideration, she thinks I can easily make it until my husband gets home.  Thus I'm just going to keep taking it easy and hopefully can hang on to baby for one more week.

And then my husband will be home...

I have given almost no thought to the fact that the deployment is almost over. I have been so preoccupied with the baby that I haven't let myself get too excited over my husband's return. But he should be here in about a week or so.

I can't wait to lie on the bed with him and let him feel the baby kick. I want him to walk in the door and never take his hands off my tummy. I am so excited to finally experience that together.


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February 08, 2010

PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING

Nothing has changed from Wednesday until now, and yet it feels like everything has changed.  I keep having to remind myself that nothing has...

The same symptoms I had on Wednesday are now magnified and making me paranoid.  I feel exactly the same and yet now I am IN LABOR and getting freaked out over every twinge.

But I have kinda gotten over the freakout hump and feel better today.

Except I've lost three pounds since Wednesday.

And it starts all over again...

I am still in bed.  My husband is snowed in in Afghanistan, which would be hilarious if it weren't so surreal.  My mother is hobbling around on a broken foot after driving 21 hours straight in a snowstorm to get to my side.

And then the dog ate her blood pressure meds.

It's been a heck of a weekend!

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February 05, 2010

BABY UPDATE

I am OK; no baby yet.

I slept decently and haven't left my bed today for anything other than bathroom breaks.  I have intense pelvic pressure when I stand up, but at least no contractions today.  And so Charlie and I lie in bed and wait...

My husband called this morning because of the casualties.  He hadn't yet read my email and had no idea what was going on.  He said he would try to cash in some favors and get on an even earlier flight if he could.  We'll just see.  Now watch, the baby won't come for another month.

I told my husband that all that matters is that he comes home to us.  I said I will either welcome him home with the baby on the inside or the baby on the outside, but all that matters is that he's safe.

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