December 10, 2011


I got my levels tested and they were not ideal.  So I told people that.  And people told me to keep up my hope.

Easy for you to say.

This game is death by hope.  And I can't help but think that I have had fruitless hope 5 out of 6 times in the I wonder why people think it's just that easy for me to keep hoping.

My HCG level was 87% of what I'd like it to be.  For comparison, Dead Baby #2 was 89% and Dead Baby #4 was 81%.  And Dead Baby #5, the dirty trickster who fooled us all into thinking he was a real baby, was 106%.  And he was still dead.

So that's not much to numerically hold on to.

I would love to eat crow in two weeks and be wrong.  I'd love it.  I'd love nothing more than to have everyone tell me I was wrong.  But can't they see how hard it is to keep hope alive?  It's easier to fear the worst and steel your heart against it than it is to let hope lift you up to where you will fall hard.

No, it's not OK that the hormone levels almost got to where they should be.  This isn't grenade throwing.  Almost has historically never been good enough.

I'd love to eat my words, but we'll see...

BabyGrok was 119%.  That's a number that might make me hopeful.  But not so much 87%.

Posted by: Sarah at 01:59 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Praying for you.

Posted by: Toni at December 10, 2011 05:57 PM (ZwWdf)

2 I'm praying also...

Posted by: Connie at December 10, 2011 07:46 PM (L6nIP)

3 People don't know what to say.  They don't know that telling you to be positive, keep the faith, stay hopeful ... it can make it worse.  It can make you angry or even more sad. It's just plain hard.  Especially with everything you've gone through.  They don't know what to say so they revert to the "keep your chin up" attitude, because it's easier than crying with you, being realistic that things could be less than optimal, or trying to understand what you could possibly be feeling. 

It sucks.  All of it.  The ups and downs, dashed hopes, all the losses, and trying to explain the inexplicable feelings to someone one who has never been there.  You are amazingly strong to keep trying, to keep going, keep loving, and I respect you more for that fact than I could ever express.  Please know that I'm thinking of you, and that I'll hope for you but, if you want to cry and not get your hopes up, that's totally okay too.

Posted by: Stephanie at December 10, 2011 09:12 PM (2lHyJ)

4 I echo all that Stephanie says.  And you have LIVED hope simply by continuing to try, but that doesn't mean that you have to feel hope and keep hanging onto this elusive 'positive' thinking in this place that you are in.  

Posted by: Val at December 11, 2011 10:58 AM (glAPF)


I understand that it's hard to hope.  I will hope for you.

Posted by: Sharona at December 11, 2011 12:34 PM (bXtps)


Hope is a nasty sneak.  Even when I said I didn't have any I was lying.  Hope always lingered in my heart somewhere.

This sucks, but I think giving up would suck worse.  If you get to the point where that isn't true, then you've got some thinking to do.

In the meantime, drink some hot chocolate and eat Christmas cookies, because while you don't want to drink wine in case the 87% becomes the proverbial "ladybug onesie asleep upstairs," hot chocolate and Christmas cookies are a-ok.

Posted by: Christa at December 12, 2011 11:27 AM (JnJR0)

7 Ugh, I really think that people just don't get it.  Maybe they don't understand that telling yourself it is the worst and preparing your heart for that is somehow a little bit better than continuing that hope for awhile and having it dashed even more.  I do not like 87%.    Hugs.

Posted by: Stacy at December 12, 2011 04:04 PM (n8pne)

8 Christa is telling it true, and so is everyone else.  We all hope for you even when the odds are not so good.  But when she calls hope a nasty sneak she is telling it true.  We all know that trying to face reality doesn't keep the hope from being deep down in the heart. We need another miracle for you.  For the record, no pregnancy is ever the same, so.........

Posted by: Ruth H at December 12, 2011 09:03 PM (JFseb)

9 Sarah, I don't know how you have any hope left. But to hope is human, To get your heart broken is to have loved. I pray this baby wins the genetic lottery. Because in your case, there are no degrees. There is yes. And there is no. I'm praying for a yes for you and your family.

Posted by: Mare at December 16, 2011 10:49 AM (pme3X)

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