July 22, 2009
The baby has a heartbeat.
It grew exactly a week's worth of size and progress.
Whew.
Because that's not what I was expecting.
This morning I woke up to blood, heavier than I've had with any other pregnancy. I sat the 20 minutes waiting to be seen just trying not to cry, trying not to compose the "my baby is dead" blog post in my head, trying not to imagine doing this over again.
You know, when I told my husband we should go for this, I easy peasy said, "We try once more before you go, and if it's a win, then we're great; and if it's a loss, then we haven't really lost anything because I can still do the IVF."
It sounded far easier in my head to have one more loss than it feels in real life.
I've now made the ultrasound tech a nervous wreck too. She quietly fired up the machine, started ultrasounding, and as soon as she could see anything -- a second faster than I could locate it -- immediately says, "We have a heartbeat," and let out a sigh of relief.
The baby was hanging upside down in my uterus like a bat. It was kinda comical.
But I couldn't even enjoy it. I just felt the relief that it was there, and then immediately started thinking about making it one more week.
Pregnancy, for me, is like deployment. (Actually, pregnancy is worse, because my husband has lived through two deployments; our baby has never lived through pregnancy.) But pregnancy reminds me of the remarks I made at the 2007 Milblogs Conference:
Every moment that I am not looking at that ultrasound screen is a moment when I doubt the baby is alive. I know that is normal for many pregnant women, but for me it has been borne out by too much experience. Baby #2 died within a day of our seeing it on the ultrasound screen. And I don't lose babies naturally; I generally have to find out about it and take medicine to get it out. I won't know it's dead until I see it dead on screen.
And now I have morning sickness, so it's a constant reminder that I'm pregnant. And my house is empty, no husband to lovingly distract me from my worries.
So I asked my mother to come visit.
I need the distraction. I hate to admit that I can't handle this on my own, but it is proving harder than I figured. So my mother's going to come out for a few days and be there for next week's ultrasound. If we make it past next week, that will be the longest I've ever kept a baby alive.
I read this chapter in The Sandbox last night, on how casually an Afghan man says he would divorce his wife and choose another if she couldn't bear children.
Thank heavens I'm an American.
Thank heavens I have such a wonderful husband.
Thank heavens we made it another week.
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Posted by: Amritas at July 22, 2009 12:48 PM (+nV09)
Posted by: Ruth H at July 22, 2009 01:01 PM (YpblU)
So I am doubly glad your mom is going to come for a few days and will be there for the next appointment.
I think what you are saying about pregnancy for you relating so well to deployment emotions makes perfect sense. And I just wish there was something to put in the mail to help ease the roller coaster effect it has.
Posted by: wifeunit at July 22, 2009 01:38 PM (4B1kO)
Posted by: dutchgirl at July 22, 2009 01:49 PM (hLAkQ)
That's great news, and I'm so relieved for you. Dittos to everything Wifeunit said. Warm, happy thoughts coming your way.
{Hugs}
Posted by: Barb at July 22, 2009 02:25 PM (z9gCU)
Posted by: Heather at July 22, 2009 03:27 PM (BjblJ)
Congratulations! I've been checking everyday for an update.
With my first pregnancy (back when I was blissfully ignorant of infertility), I didn't have an ultrasound until 20-weeks. On the second round, after months of negative HPTs, two miscarriages and a clomid-assisted IUI, you get very frequent monitoring, which in my case showed a subchorionic blood clot and my doctor basically saying--don't get too attached just yet--wait and see. It was several more weeks of weekly ultrasounds before the clot was absorbed and I was given the all clear. So you end up with this love/hate feeling about the ultrasound. Yes, it reassures you, but it can also get you worried about things you would have never otherwise known about.
I never went so far as to get a home doppler kit, but I seriously considered it.
I'm praying for John Elway.
Posted by: Christa at July 22, 2009 04:28 PM (2qSbp)
But in this
case, I am so an Elway fan!!!! Reeaalllly glad to read this today.
Whew. Enjoy having Mom around, and I'll be praying for more good news
next week!! Posted by: RC at July 22, 2009 06:48 PM (0bg5E)
Hoping so badly that you and the baby are ok.
Posted by: Amy at July 22, 2009 09:02 PM (9fDOS)
Posted by: Butterfly Wife at July 22, 2009 10:58 PM (x8bmT)
Posted by: Val at July 22, 2009 11:16 PM (5btL/)
Posted by: Darla at July 22, 2009 11:28 PM (LP4DK)
Posted by: Deltasierra at July 23, 2009 02:00 AM (unCAk)
Congrats.
"Thank heavens I'm an American"
You mean 'Thank heavens your NOT a Muslim in the ME' (or anywhere Sharia Law is in effect or soon to be).
That is what we're talking about in that instance, the barbarity of Islam.
Posted by: tim at July 23, 2009 09:05 AM (nno0f)
*still holding you on a cushion of loving thoughts and prayers*
Posted by: FbL at July 23, 2009 05:05 PM (HwqvF)
SOOO glad to hear this. I am so, so thankful to hear this and hoping with you for another week.
And this:
Every moment that I am not looking at that ultrasound screen is a moment when I doubt the baby is alive. I know that is normal for many pregnant women, but for me it has been borne out by too much experience. Baby #2 died within a day of our seeing it on the ultrasound screen. And I don't lose babies naturally; I generally have to find out about it and take medicine to get it out. I won't know it's dead until I see it dead on screen.
Man, did I ever relate to this. I had both of my miscarriages and my two infections that followed the miscarriages diagnosed via ultrasound. I came to hate them. I too, lived for the next ultrasound with my pregnancy with Rusty. Praying that your ultrasounds contiue to show that beating heart and that precious babe.
Posted by: Stacy at July 23, 2009 09:45 PM (JGYbs)
Posted by: Courtney at July 23, 2009 11:47 PM (q408u)
Posted by: Krista at July 24, 2009 01:07 PM (sUTgZ)
Posted by: Oda Mae at July 25, 2009 03:55 PM (tKtQ9)
Posted by: Pamela at July 28, 2009 01:29 AM (NazsP)
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