February 10, 2012

LIVID AT LUCK

CaliValleyGirl sent me a link to a blog post...man, it could've been written by me:


This month makes it one year.  One year of letting it happen.  One year of disappointment.  One year of trying not to hate all the pregnant girls that are around me.  One year of the most intense pain and frustration and sadness that my poor sheltered life has encountered.  One year of crying myself to sleep and stressing out Jeremy and basically feeling like an ungrateful selfish obsessive overanalyst.  Because that is what I feel like.  I have a beautiful home, a wonderful husband, a pretty outstandingly awesome son and all I think about is what I don’t have.

My husband and I were just talking about this two nights ago.  He has a good, secure job.  We have far more money than we need.  We have a wonderful relationship.  We have a beautiful daughter who sleeps through the night and naps like a dream and talks way ahead of her age.  And yet we're so gosh-darned morose most of the time.  It's sick.

We both vowed to try to do better.  To enjoy the kairos moments of life more.  To count our blessings.

And to know that, adding one more kid to our family will not automatically solve everything.  In fact, it will add quite a bit of work in the short term!  Sleepless nights, and stress, and double the amount of crying that goes on in this living room already.

This month makes it one year for me too: I got pregnant with #5 when BabyGrok turned 1, and she turns 2 when March begins.  I have been fake-pregnant almost continuously since last June (five months to get past #6, and then got pregnant with #7 two weeks later...whose presence is still hanging around...)  It's unreal that so much time has passed.  And it's a joke that I thought I might get pregnant "too fast" and have kids that are "too close together."  I wish...

I don't know how to let go of wanting what I want, especially when I know it is possible.  I know I can conceive a healthy child, which makes quitting seem silly.  But if I get over #7 and move on to a failed #8 in two weeks, I will be livid.

I have been livid at my luck for five years now.  I really want to learn how to let that feeling go...

Posted by: Sarah at 02:43 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1

I know this is personal and complicated, but is IVF with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis an option for you?  I imagine its expensive (very?), but even beyond that I wasn't sure whether it would be helpful in your case.

 

Posted by: Christa at February 10, 2012 03:53 PM (JnJR0)

2 It is possible...but in my case, it's death by anecdote: the only person I know who did PGD is Julia from Here Be Hippogriffs blog, and she had to do it THREE TIMES before it worked.  I know my resolve couldn't survive an IVF failure...and so I hesitate to consider it.

Posted by: Sarah at February 10, 2012 08:51 PM (ifOVh)

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