February 08, 2013

IVF -- Conclusion

Game over.


I got a call this afternoon that they are cancelling my IVF cycle.  Today's bloodwork revealed that I am now lagging where they want me to be by a factor of 10.  I am not responding as desired to the meds, and there is little chance of getting many eggs, much less getting enough to where we could weed some of them out via genetic testing.  So we can stop now and they can offer me a $7000 refund, or we can keep marching towards near-certain failure.


But we have plane tickets...and an apartment...and vacation time booked...


Half of me wants to go home tomorrow and throw my arms around BabyGrok and never ever think about making babies again.  I hate this.  Hate it.  I am two steps from feeling completely unable to shoulder this weight any longer.  My very first thought when they called me today was that I am done.  My spirit is completely crushed.  I want to live life moving forward instead of constantly living in depressing two week intervals and focusing on what I don't have.  I want to leave it behind.  I want to shrug.


But I also want another baby.


This decision will only be made by how much I can endure.  We are not limited by time: I perhaps have another ten years before I really cannot bear a child anymore.  We are not limited by money: we have enough to do IVF 30 times if we wanted to.  We are only limited by how much longer we choose to torture ourselves.


I want to stop.  I want to accept the fact that our family is complete and move on.  But I can't bear the thought of watching BabyGrok grow to adulthood and looking back and thinking that we perhaps could've had another if only I would've toughed it out a bit longer.


I don't know what the right answer is.


Heck, I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow.  My plane home doesn't leave for another two weeks...

Posted by: Sarah at 09:31 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Everything I can think of to say is wrong.
I'm so sorry.

Posted by: Sig at February 10, 2013 09:09 PM (3pjBy)

2 I have no words - only prayers.

Posted by: Sandi at February 11, 2013 11:51 AM (PzeGZ)

3 Sarah I have watched you go through this (via your eloquent and painful writing) for years now.  My heart breaks for you. The only thing I can offer is that I would not continue to go forward at this HUGE emotional cost until a specialist could tell me WHY I am not responding to the meds in the desired fashion and IF there is anything to do to increase the chances of success in the future. Otherwise, to repeat the same totally traumatic experience (without somehow increasing your chances of success) just seems (to me) like subjecting yourself and your family to too much pain to endure.
But once you are home, and you get past the most immediate pain of this, you and the family will be able to search your hearts and find your way.
I wish you peace. (eventually) I am so sorry.

Posted by: Amy at February 11, 2013 09:25 PM (MRKBy)

4 As someone who has been through IVF, my heart goes out to you. So, so sorry. I hope you can go home, find a moment of peace, and make the decision that is right for you and your family. Whatever decision will be the right one...no looking back and second guessing.

Posted by: Stephanie at February 15, 2013 08:43 PM (/ON25)

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